Friday, 17 July 2009

Besides, you're saying it wrong. It's LeviOsa, not LevioSA.

Jennie Harry Potter has a special kind of magic. He managed to distract the world from Michael Jackson's death. Maybe not completely and definitely not permanently, but it has been a welcome reprieve from the Jackson Family Circus.

I first heard of Harry Potter back in high school, soon after the first book came out. I wandered into the breakroom one day, all alone and bored, and saw The Sorcerer's Stone sitting on the table. BJ (hee), the BATSHIT CRAZY children's librarian, wandered in and was all, "Oh, you should read that! We just got a couple copies so I thought I'd keep one in here in case anyone wanted to read it. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go wander around the library, smiling creepily at people while I stand too close to them all smelling like B.O. and Crazy."

She left, and I picked up the book. I scoffed (scoffed!) because my first instinct when I am presented with anything new is to make fun of it. But I opened it and started reading, because as much as I like to make fun of things, I can't stand feeling left out of something. Plus, I had fifteen minutes to kill so what else was I going to do? Go out and talk to the patrons? Stare at the vending machine?

I was instantly hooked and bullied everyone I could into reading the books BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I DO. Even my dad read them, although not the normal way, which is HUNGRILY, GREEDILY, AND AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. No, he'd take his time and I'd be all, "WHAT PART ARE YOU ON? ARE YOU DONE YET? I NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS WITH SOMEONE!" because this was before I had turned to the Internet for my literary obsessions.

Some people will try to tell you that, if you like Harry Potter, you should read Twilight. These people are stinking liars. I hesitate to rail against the Twilight books here, as I have not read them, but when the craze first started I did some research. I wanted to make sure I wasn't missing anything. I knew I wasn't when I read the words, "sparkly vampire." What. The. Hell. It's like Stephenie Meyer took all the good that Joss Whedon did for vampires and then just pooped all over it (VAMPIRES DON'T SPARKLE). Why would she do that? Why? Anyway, just in case you're thinking maybe Twilight is better than Harry Potter (the hell is your problem?), I've created a list of reasons WHY IT IS NOT, YOU TURD, GO AWAY:

The Hero:
Harry Potter: Can fly (on a broomstick). Friend to house-elves, owls, and hippogriffs. Is a Triwizard Cup winner. Has fought evil wizards, basilisks, trolls, etc. Can DO MAGIC.

Edward Cullen: Is a sparkly vampire with gross hair. Does "Blue Steel" when picture is taken, apparently. Broods, but not as well as Angel.

Winner: Harry Potter

The Heroine:

hermione3 Hermione: Is a genius. Hearts Ron. Is brave and always comes up with the big ideas. House-elf advocate. Is very pretty but no one notices because she's SUCH A GENIUS.

Whatsername: Falls down a lot. Says "vampire" all whispery. Is boooooriiiiiing. I heard she had a vampire baby and it was totally the grossest thing ever written (besides anything written by Stephen King).

Winner: Harry Potter


Ron Weasley: Is our king. Is also brave. Hearts Hermione. Has an awesome family. Is basically Xander Harris, which, AWESOME.

I don't know. Does Twilight have BFFs? (Confession: I did not do much research.)

Winner: Harry Potter



In Harry Potter: are Professor Lupin

werewolf twilight

In Twilight: um, exist? And have long hair, I guess.

Winner: Harry Potter

Plus, almost everyone in Harry Potter has a British accent. Therefore, Harry Potter wins. I think everyone can agree that my logic is totally sound. Thank you and good day.


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