Phone it in Friday: Five Best Anything

Is it just us, or has this been the longest week EVER? We spent all day yesterday thinking it was Friday and now that it actually is Friday, we're pretty sure 5:00 will never get here. You know what you can do to make our day infinitely brighter? Tell us Five Best Anything. TV shows, movies, books, meals, beverages, countries, cities, towns, paint colors, musical instruments, anything!

Five Best TV Boyfriends

5. Dexter -- kills bad people so you don't have to

OK, so he kills people, like...a lot. He kills a lot of people. But they're all BAD people. And he's a surprisingly good boyfriend and surrogate father when he's not all cheating on Rita but that was OK because THEY WERE ON A BREAK!



4. LaFleur -- steals and saves pre-evil children because he loves you

The best thing that Sawyer ever did was jumping off that helicopter, away from stupid, whiny Kate, and swimming back to the beach because who was waiting there? Juliet. Then they time traveled and Sawyer grew up to become LaFleur and he and Juliet were totally about to live happily ever after until Kate and Jack came back to ruin everyone's lives because that is what they do. They ruin lives. Anyway. Here is LaSawyer being all adorable and supportive with Juliet.



3. Devon aka Captain Awesome -- is awesome for you because he's awesome

Dude. He's awesome, what more can I say?



2. Ned the Piemaker -- wakes pies and makes the dead for you

Ned brought his girlfriend back from the dead and stayed with her even though they couldn't even touch, and everyone knows guys want The Sex all the time so that was pretty big of him, yes? Yes. Plus, he's super thoughtful and if he was your boyfriend, he'd make you pies all the time.



1. Marshall -- lets you paint nude art of him because THAT'S HOW MUCH HE LOVES YOU

Marshmallow and Lily-pad are one of TV's most adorable couples, and Marshall is THE most devoted boyfriend in the history of television, AND DON'T YOU ARGUE WITH ME. Plus, he loves The Loch Ness Monster, which means you could go Nessie-spotting with him in Scotland. And he's cuddly. Bitch.



Honorary Mention: Jim Halpert

He was going to be #1 but then I remembered that, while he was a totally swoonworthy boyfriend to Pam, he was a pretty terrible boyfriend to both the purse girl and Karen. But whatever, I couldn't just NOT include him. Or this:

5 Best Albums of 2009

I didn't listen to a whole lot of new music last year, mostly just listened to 2008's top five (Frightened Rabbit, The Walkmen, Vampire Weekend, Bon Iver, and The Hold Steady if you're keeping score). But these are five from last year that you should really run out and buy if you don't own them already. They're just super.

1. Fantasies, by Metric


2. Middle Cyclone, by Neko Case


3. Hazards of Love, by The Decemberists


4. Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, by Phoenix


5. Dark Was the Night, Various Artists


What albums did you like?

Five Best Sauces

Sauce is probs dot com my favorite food. I mean, what other food can cover everything else? Nothing, that's what. Thus, just like paper covers rock and wins, SAUCE WINS. I've always had a thing for sauce (#68: I love sauce) and this thing keeps evolving more and I get weirder and weirder about what food I eat and don't eat, like a don't like. Get a plate of vegetables, though--or just a spoon--and any of these sauces and I'm good to go.

1. Ranch Dressing

Isn't that picture soothing? I want to stare at it all day. Ranch goes with everything. Meat, potatoes, veggies. Ranch makes even the boringest flavors delicious. I especially like it with my carbs: on bread, with pizza, and definitely with fries. For an extra kick, I occasionally add a few drops of Tabasco to my ranch cup.

2. Sweet Chili Sauce from Trader Joe's

I eat this for dinner (egg rolls on the side) at least once a week. It's sweet, it's spicy, it's sour, it's sweet some more. Plus it's pink and comes in an adorable bottle. McDonald's and Burger King's Sweet and Sour deserve a shout out in this section as well. They're all part of the same family. And though I could totally tell them apart in a blindfold taste test, I enjoy them all equally.

3. Taramind Sauce at BJ's Brewhouse that comes with their avocado egg rolls

People who say they could never be vegetarian have clearly never eaten this dish. It's likely that I would pick this as my one (never-ending) meal to take with me on to a deserted island. I don't know how to recreate this at home and I'm not really sure what's in it, but it's sweetish like teriyaki but totally different. It's light. After finishing my egg rolls, I always end up dragging the shredded carrot garnish bit by bit threw the sauce to get every last bit. This sauce would also be good with grilled chicken or something like jicama but it really shines paired with the creamy fat of avocadoes. Mmmm.

4.Teriyaki Sauce

This thick, sweet soy/sugar combo reminds me of my first apartment (2004). It is the only place I have ever cooked regularly. I had a huge thing of teriyaki sauce and my roommate and I would shop around on Saturday mornings for the best deal on boneless, skinless chicken breasts and then marinate and eat teriyaki chicken all week long. Now my favorite way to consume teriyaki sauce is on the teriyaki chicken sandwich from Red Robin. Teriyaki and pineapple, yum.

5. Caramel Sauce

This is the purest form of candy to me. You know that saying about how life is short and you should eat dessert? Or whatever? Caramel sauce is the only thing that really makes me feel that sentiment. I love it by itself, but also enjoy it with ice cream and at Starbucks. One Christmas I received three giant bottles of Starbucks caramel as gifts. Apparently I'm really vocal about my loves. (Another year I received three nalgene flasks. Those come in handy when going through metal detectors, I tell you what.)

Honorable mention: The corn salsa from Chipotle. I've been told it does not qualify as a sauce.

Phone It In Friday: Guilty Pleasures

We've shown you ours; now you show us yours! What are your guilty pleasures? Be honest. We know some of you still watch soap operas.

You are being a cheer-tator, Torrance, and a pain in my ass!

I will be the first to admit that I am something of a movie snob. I almost wrote movie slob, right there. What's that about? Anyway, right, movie snob. When I say movie snob, I don't mean I watch all indie films or only movies with weird directors that no one else has ever heard of, I mean that if you tell me you want to go see the new Alvin & the Chipmunks movie, I will judge you. I will judge you so hard. One of my favorite things to do is rate movies based only on their trailers. It's easier than you'd think. This method has gotten me out of going to movies like Bride Wars, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, and any Dane Cook movie for years.

I realize this trailer judging is a bit like judging a book by its cover, but I don't care if it's superficial. Movies are more superficial than books anyway, so see? It makes total sense, this method, as long as you don't think about it too hard.

I really have no point, other than to say that even though I'm a movie snob, I have plenty of guilty pleasure movies. Bad movies. Except, no, they're not, THESE MOVIES ARE AWESOME. Also, I don't really think they count as guilty pleasures because I'm rather proud of loving all of them so much. So there.

1. Bring It On

This movie gave me about a million different quotes to throw into regular conversation, WHETHER OR NOT they made any sense, so that would be enough for me to love it BUT. BUT! Sparky Polastri! Faith pretending to be a cheerleader! GLORY pretending to be a cheerleader! Cute guitar-playing book-reading boy! Spirit fingers!

Apparently, there are no clips on the Youtubes because NBC Universal sucks a big fat turd. Team CoCo! Anyway. You should probably rent this movie ASAP. Not the sequels, though.

2. Ferngully

James Cameron may have lifted the script for Avatar straight out of Pocahontas, but I think he sampled Ferngully as well. My sister and I wore out our VHS copy of this when we were younger, and so when Joe saw it on sale for $5 at Target, he totally bought it for me and that is why Joe is awesome.

Watch for yourself.

3. Center Stage

I hesitate to even include this movie on account of how amazing it is, but whatever, I will admit that the "acting" in this movie leaves a lot to be desired. I don't care. Mostly because of the dancing, but partly because of Peter Gallagher's amazing emoting eyebrows. Bonus! Zoe Saldana is in it and she. Is. SASSY.



4. Pippi Longstocking

This movie is twelve shades of awful, yet I love it. LOVE IT. Probably because I watched this approximately 15 bajillion times when I was a kid and wished every day to be Pippi Longstocking because she had a horse and a monkey and a quirky fashion sense and I didn't have any of those things.

Damn disabled embedding ARRRRRRRG!

5. Grease 2 (much, MUCH cheesier than Grease...which is in and of itself a guilty pleasure)

Shut up.



That was just embarrassing.

6. The Mighty Ducks (1 and 2)

QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! FLYING V! PACEY!



7. The Cutting Edge

Just kidding, everyone knows this is the best movie ever made. Dooglas Dorsey! John Locke!



I got chills.

(they're multiplyin')

I'm on a good mixture I do not want to waste it.

When I learned the topic of this week's Collective my instant recall of all words Klosterman instantly kicked in, specifically his thoughts on guilty pleasures. To wit:

In and of itself, the phrase "guilty pleasure" seems like a reasonable way to describe certain activities. For example, it is pleasurable to snort cocaine in public restrooms, and it always makes you feel guilty; as such, lavatory cocaine fits perfectly into this category. Drinking more than five glasses of gin before (or during) work generally qualifies as a guilty pleasure. So does having sex with people you barely know, having sex with people you actively hate, and/or having sex with people you barely know but whom your girlfriend used to live with during college (and will now consequently hate). These are all guilty pleasures in a technical sense. However, almost no one who uses the term "guilty pleasure" is referring to activities like these. People who use this term are usually talking about why they like Joan of Arcadia, or the music of Nelly, or Patrick Swayze's Road House. This troubles me for two reasons: Labeling things like Patrick Swayze movies a guilty pleasure implies that a) people should feel bad for liking things they sincerely enjoy, and b) if these same people were not somehow coerced into watching Road House every time it's on TBS, they'd probably be reading A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man.

Both of these assumptions are wrong.

(Thank you Chuck for writing half of my post for today. Call me, and I'll buy you a beer at the Irish Channel.)

So. Attempting to stay within the confines of Mr. Klosterman's parameters, I present a list of my guilty pleasures, which likely need little to no explanation.

• Being a little (or a lot) tipsy in the office.
• Getting hit on by boys who are not my boyfriend.
• Making fun of people, especially to their faces.
• Not squashing insects, but instead giving them to my cat to torture and then eat.
• Waking my cat up from a deep sleep because he's just so damned adorable.
• Eating more than one Krispy Kreme doughnut in one sitting.
• Thinking there is no better macaroni and cheese than Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.
• Calling in sick when I'm not really sick.
• Not calling anyone back, ever.

Aaaaand I can't really think of anything else. Enjoy this random vacation photo:

I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like

Similarly to Heather, there are a lot things that I find pleasurable that people try to make me feel guilty about. Things like sleeping a lot and not showering very often and watching TV all the time. Oh. And the FarmVille forums. That's just who I am. But there are a few things I have a hard time admitting.

1) McDonald's Chicken McNuggets

I eat a lot of normal food and hardly anything really bad. My go to "fast food" restaurants are Chick-fil-A and Chipotle. I stay away from bad stuff cause it makes my tummy hurt. Vegetables are like my favorite food. So having McDonald's for dinner feels so wrong. I feel like Spurlock is watching me. And yet, it just tastes soooo goooood. Ten piece nuggets with Diet Coke and sweet and sour sauce. Now that is delicious food.


2) Following celebrities on Twitter




I feel so ashamed at my obsession with reading this stuff. But it's so fun.

3) My reading habits

I read A LOT of words every day. They just happen to be in the internet and not on tree-killing paper. I feel defensive about this because my book-reading habits are laaaame. The last book I read was only a week ago (shockingly) but it was a Nora Roberts book. And I liked it. I actually loved it. I would read it again.

Two for one: unanswerable questions and guilt!

It's guilty pleasures week here at the Collective, but before I start weaving a yarn about all the things I should feel guilty about (but don't), let me remedy last week's cop-out by answering the "would you rather" questions Abigail posed to me. (It's two posts for the price of one!)

Would you rather...

Live in England or live in Chestnut Mountain?
Someday I am going to write a story about how the exact opposite of being an Englishwoman is being Southerner, but the truth is I would rather live neither place. Oh, sure, I'd love to have a flat in London and a farmhouse in Wales because I really do love Britain. But, culturally-speaking, I could never fit in in the UK. Same as Chestnut Mountain, GA actually. I live here because I love my family. And I'd miss them in Seattle.

Shred your library card or mark all as read in Reader?
Easy: mark all as read. I used to have this total moral quandary about it (what if I overlook the one piece of information I've never known I always needed?!) but now I do it all the time. It's like Shift + A is its own New Year! Plus, my Google Reader Share Team is the best in the business.

Have Sarah Walker or Veronica Mars?
I would like to have Sarah Walker at my flat in London and Veronica Mars at my Welsh Farmhouse. For keeps.

Mountain bike or dog walk?
Dog walk.

Amy was ragging on me recently about something and I said, "Stop it, or I am going to have to throw myself out of the window!" And she was all, "You would never throw yourself out of a window; you love these dogs too much." Which: absolutely true.

Eat only candy or burritos?
Burritos forever times infinity!

Buy babies or puppies?
Look, I didn't even love my own nephew until he was a toddler. Babies weird me out. Answer: puppies!





*

Now! Let's talk about guilty pleasures! I don't have any. I mean, I guess I have guilty pleasures, but I don't feel particularly guilty about any of them. Basically, I just have pleasures. Here's a list of pleasures that people sometimes try to make me feel guilty about.

1) Gossip Girl — A couple of months ago, Amy hammered her ankle something fierce and we had to go to the ER and it's still not entirely better, and sometimes she's like, "When did I do this?" And I'm all, "Seven weeks, four days ago." And I think she thinks I'm just really good at mental math or totally over-concerned about her foot. But really I just remember because she did it the night of the GG threesome.

2) FanVids — Dudes, I'm a shipper. I've always been a shipper. Like, when I was a kid: Bo and Hope from Days of Our Lives. Teenager: Lois and Clark, Ross and Rachel, Dawson and Joey. Grown-up: Bette and Tina, Booth and Brennan, Josh and Donna, Ron and Hermione, Chuck and Sarah.

Oh, you guys! Chuck and Sarah!



3) FanFic — I write it. I read it. I have my favorites saved in Google Docs so they'll never, ever go away. (That happened to me once. My favorite fan fics went away. NEVER AGAIN!)

4) TV, I just love it — I'm totally friends with intellectual snobs who have conversations like, "I don't watch much TV." "Oh, I don't watch any TV." "Well, I don't even own a TV." "Yeah, well, I've never even heard of a TV."

But I love TV. Just like me Granny loved TV. No running through the house like a band of hooligans! Granny is trying to watch her stories!

5) Comic Books — Yeah, I know, I'm 31. But I'm going to keep my subscriptions at the comic shop until comic shops are dead and gone. (Which, Batman willing, will not happen in my lifetime.)

6) QVC — I don't buy stuff off of QVC, but I am fascinated by it. It's the people who are selling stuff, and how they can just talk and talk and talk about it like it's the most interesting thing in the world. It mesmerizes me.

OK, so sometimes I do buy stuff on QVC. But only important stuff, like a Wii Fit. Or an EverRest ComfyPillow. Or an absolutely necessary set of 45 spatulas.

Now I'm just a big, fluffy puppy with bad teeth.

1. Travel to the past or the future in your clear-titanium-covered time machine?

Here's the thing. It seems so silly to get the time machine with the bonus clear-titanium cover and NOT go see some dinosaurs. I mean, you've GOT the titanium cover, which I'm pretty sure a T-Rex couldn't bite through, and it's clear, so you can see everything just fine from the safety of your time machine. But. You know I'm not going to be able to go all the way back in time, see some baby dinosaurs, and NOT get out and try and make friends with them. I watched The Land Before Time ONE TOO MANY TIMES as a kid, and the damage is done. I can only assume that I'd see a brontosaurus, get out of the time machine, and be eaten by a velociraptor before I could say, "longneck."

I think it's safer for everyone, including the dinosaurs, that I go to the future, steal a hoverboard, and give it to Heather Anne.

2. Own a baby dragon or a baby dinosaur (assuming they would stay small and friendly)?

See above: baby dinosaur (preferably a brontosaurus)

3. Drink PBR or wine from a box?

I think wine from a box is totally underrated. My friend had just beer and wine in a box at her wedding reception and everyone was so excited to be drinking wine in a box that we could BARELY CONTAIN OURSELVES. This might have something to do with memories of playing a game in college that we called "Slap the Bag," which consisted of taking the bag of wine OUT of the box, having someone hold it above your head and opening the spigot so wine poured quickly into your guppy-like mouth while someone else, you know, slapped the bag.

However, I think if I tried to play this game now, I would die, so PBR.

4. Make out with Jim Halpert or Mr. Darcy?

RIP OUT MY HEART, WHY DON'T YOU? I would use my time machine to go back in time and make out with Mr. Darcy and then use it again to go back to the future (BAM!) and make out with Jim Halpert and what do you mean both are fictional YOU SHUT UP RIGHT NOW.

5. Play the guitar or drums on Rock Band?

If you'd asked me this a few months ago, I would have said guitar, because I was afraid of the drums. But when Joe got Beatles Rock Band, I decided to embrace my inner Ringo and now the drums are my favorite.

6. Fight Draco Malfoy or Sue Sylvester?

I know Draco Malfoy has magic and all, but he's kind of a scaredy-cat-nancy-boy. Sue Sylvester is straight up EVIL, you guys. She would crush me like a bug. Plus, if I fight Draco, I at least get a wand, right? To make it a fair fight? Win win win.

Pop quiz, hot shot.

Thanks to the magic of Blogger, today's post is being posted even though its writer is currently stranded in the middle of the ocean with no telephone and no internet and nowhere to go except the stupid boat she's on. Enjoy.

Travel to Britain or Belgium?

Don't make me choose! There is so much of Britain left unexplored, and so many Belgian beers left to drink, but as I am currently planning a trip to Brussels and Bruges (and Amsterdam) for early summer, I guess that answers that question.

Prepare appetizers or desserts?

My two favorite meals are appetizers and desserts. And I do both rather spectacularly, I might add. But appetizers are far more forgiving, and being forgiving allows for more experimentation, so appetizers it is!

Be forced to root for the Rangers or the Lightning?

I've got no beef with the Tampa Bay Lightning, even if they are in our division. See, (as of this writing) we've got a 16-point lead on our next closest divisional rival, because we RULE. And I really don't hate the Rangers at all, though I DO hate Sean Avery, so I guess the Lightning?

Read Austen or Dickens?

Dickens! If for no other reason than I'll never run out of new things to read.

Watch Futurama or Glee?

Easy: Futurama. I watch Glee, but I don't love it. In fact, of all the admittedly few television programs I do watch, Glee is by far the worst of the bunch.

Shag Brooks Laich or Chuck Klosterman?

Well, Brooks Laich has about a billion social diseases, and aside from that I'd be mortified if someone labeled me a puck bunny for shagging him. And Chuck Klosterman is a married man, and married men are bad news. So neither.

Would You Rather: Schilbo Cop Out Edition

I asked everyone to go easy on me on account of I simply CANNOT make these kinds of choices. Even now, when I never hesitated when choosing, I feel the need to defend my answer, to reason it out, to pile caveat upon caveat onto my decision.

Talk on the phone or Google Chat?
Chat. For one, the recipient doesn't care if I don't respond right away because my boss just walked in or because I'm busy reading a Gossip Girl recap. For two, I am a better communicator with typey typey than anything else.

Marry Zac Levi or not marry Zac Levi?
Ha! I can't think of a single "marry, do, or die" scenario in which I wouldn't pick to marry Zac Levi. In fact, I can't imagine any scenario in which I wouldn't choose that. He's made me into the marrying type.

Shop for free forever at IKEA or Trader Joe's?
Trader Joe's. Cause of the booze.

Get on The Amazing Race or Survivor?
TAR, hands down. And I will get on it. Just you wait.

Watch TV when it airs or when it's on DVD?
When it airs because then I get to be a part of the community. I get to read the twits and the recaps and worry about next week. DVD is a close second though. Hour after hour of Bones or Mars? Best way to spend a day.

See fan vids for Booth and Brennan or Chuck and Sarah?
Two words: Brave. Face.

Phone It In Friday: Happy New Year!

Another year, another set of resolutions. What are yours? Leave them in the comments, and we promise they won't disappear this time!

(Sorry about that, by the way. Haloscan is a big fat jerk.)

It's not deja vu, it's a glitch in the Matrix

I already made a big list of resolutions goals but Joe said it would be RUDE AND UNFAIR to repost it instead of writing something new. So. Here are some more I made up that seem kind of easy and really, isn't easy the way to go for resolutions? I think so.

1. Finish Veronica Mars. And Dexter. Only Dexter isn't REALLY over yet, so it's more like catch up to Dexter but whatever, I already got spoiled about this past season's finale ANYWAY so I might as well quit but I can't because now it's a resolution and those are like The Ten Commandments. You know. Written in stone. Stone of THE INTERNET. Yeah, I don't know.
   
2. Organize Flickr. Not all of Flickr, just my Flickr. Most of my photos are untagged and not in photo albums, which makes it hard to find, say, "that one picture from that one time Joe and I found a dinosaur park" or "that other time Nancy and I found a world full of dinosaurs called Dinosaur World."
   
3. Embroider my pirate towel already.
4. Take every other Friday off of work. BOOYAH, DONE! Did I just say booyah? I'm sorry.
5. Get Phoebe high on catnip more often.
6. Live by the 90/10 rule: 90% healthy, 10% AWESOME.
7. Get rid of unnecessary stuff. This is easy, it's like my favorite thing to do. You'd think I'd eventually run out of unnecessary stuff but I keep buying more, so...

Lucky number 7! Whoohoo! I'm done! Suck it, suckers!

The next time you say forever, I will punch you in your face.

I am wise beyond my years, and so some time in high school I resolved to never make another resolution again. I am also true to my word, and by golly I've never made a resolution since. So. A Winston update.

The surgery itself went well, but he was dehydrated and feverish that night so they kept him on an IV and catheterized. Well. Winston being just like his mother managed to tangle his paw up in his tubes something awful. This picture was taken right after we brought him home and you can see how swollen it was:



Needless to say, he did not like his cone. (Luckily he didn't have to wear it while we watched him like a hawk, which we did as much as possible.)

He was intubated during surgery, so his throat and jaw were really sore for the next few days. It was tough for him to eat, and he drooled and drooled and drooled like you wouldn't believe. And he was sore from his stitches, so he couldn't jump anywhere. We had to pick him up and put him in bed with us at night:



Winston couldn't eat and couldn't jump and couldn't bathe himself, and those are the three things he likes best in life. So he was understandably depressed, and refused to drink anything for the longest time. In fact, whenever we put a glass of water in front of his face he was more likely to use it as a chin rest than anything else:



And then over the weekend my poor baby caught a cold. He was sneezy and snotty and his eyes were itchy and watery and it was hard for him to breathe. So he's spent most of the last several days curled up in my lap, something he never does when he's feeling well:



It's been a rough couple weeks, but his stitches are actually healing up quite nicely; hopefully he'll have them removed at the end of the week. HOWEVER, today I am bringing him in to make sure he doesn't have PNEUMONIA, and then I am going to be stuck on some stupid family cruise all next week, which means I have to abandon Winston at the vet's office while we're away. AND I FEEL HORRIBLE. Ugh.

And Hornswoggle? What? Are you dating a character from Fraggle Rock?

1. Run, run, run.
I quit running last year after trying at it for a full year. Things didn't go very well. But I'm thinking about trying again because I'm a crazy person who sets myself up for disappointment.

2. Get disappointed less.
Lower expectations, higher boundaries, less tears. Schilbo motto, through and through.

3. Get a house.
Like own one. Or a mortgage thingy. IN MY NAME. Any other day, I would add that this is the house:

but this house, my dream house, just put a stupid SOLD sign up over the weekend. Waaaah. Here's to another dream house. You know, with a converted barn in back and an 1908 birthdate. It's out there. It has to be.

4. Get a cat.
I mentioned at Christmas that I wanted a cat. I went with my mom on Saturday to get her new kitten, Hufflepuff:

And there were so many kitties that needed homes! In 2010 I will give one a home!

5. Take more pictures.
Seriously, I need to get my act together even if it means taking pictures with my phone.

Only the one divorce in '99!

Can you believe it's been over a decade since The One With All The Resolutions? I really thought we'd have hoverboards by now.





Anyway, it's 2010! Time to make some resolutions! Here are mine:

1) Finish the BBC Big Read's Top 100. I only have about 30 left.

2) Watch the following TV on DVD: How I Met Your Mother, BSG, Buffy. I really feel like there's a cultural gash on my life because I haven't watched those shows.

3) Learn to write an awesome TV recap. Study, study. Write, write, write.

4) Drink less caffeine.

5) Learn to effectively use the power of the To Do list. People with To Do lists seem so much more efficient at life. I am going to need help with this one. HELP!