Tuesday, 6 January 2009

Collective Besties


This is totally the worst week of the entire year. First, I thought just yesterday was going to be bad on account of I had to go back to work (boo) and I overslept (booooo). But then last night I realized that I was supposed to have already submitted my "trial by affidavit" for this Oregon speeding ticket I'm trying to fight. See, my trial (that I won't be at, but someone is going to read my written testimony or something) is Wednesday at 4 pm. And I have to get this thing notarized and in the post in time. And I'm not even sure if "in time" is even possible anymore. And I have to call them to find that out. And there's a chance that even if it's not too late, the judge will still give me the ticket and I'll be out about $500. Waaaaaaaaaah.

So, enough of that complaining. Let's talk about cheerier things. Like my fellow Collective writers who rock a lot.

If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour, you're going to see some serious shit. by Heather! Anne!
Congratulations once again on your recent graduation from the National Aeronautics and Space Administration's Timeflight School. It is the standard practice of the Timeflight School to review your first week of solo Time Travel so that we may address any potential actions that could jeopardize our current Space-Time Continuum (STC 6.4). ...In addition, the character of Aidan Shaw at first disappeared from the Sex and the City canon, but was then repeatedly added back into the story and written off the show in all manner ways, including: bear attack, drowning, choking on his own turquoise jewelry (thrice), taxi incident (accidental), taxi incident (purposefully killed by driver), tossed from roof (Samantha), tossed from roof (Charlotte), tossed from room (Miranda), tossed from roof (Mr. Big), tossed from roof (Steve), impaled by a variety of wood-working furniture, assaulted with a candlestick in Billiard Room, beaten with a lead pipe in Conservatory, and tossed from roof (Carrie).

Nut bugs in nut dust by Kat!
Because I love bugs. And I want you to love them too. So I'd like to introduce you to a few of my favorite bugs, my favorite bugs because they are the greatest bugs of all the bugs in all the land. ... I'll keep this short so as not to traumatize Jennie!, but this fucking bug turns cockroaches into ZOMBIES. For serious. It inserts a stinger into the brain of a cockroach, injects a venom which disables the cockroach's reflexes, and then RIDES ON THE BACK OF THE COCKROACH, USING THE COCKROACH'S ANTENNEA LIKE REINS TO STEER IT TO ITS LAIR, WHERE IT LAYS ITS EGGS IN THE ZOMBIE COCKROACH.

I had a lot of hate. This is really long. (that's what she said.) by Jennie!
So Duckie is angry that Halfsie is learning how to gamble but then DING-DONG PIZZA'S HERE OOH SOMETHING SHINY. Charlie is all, "I bet that's the pizza," and Halfsie's like, "What's the spread?" and Charlie says, "Pepperoni," like OH HOW CLEVER, SHOW. ... THEN, they go to the grocery and Charlie can't figure out how coupons work so he throws a bunch of hamburger helper in the cart because HAHA poor people are hilarious! They eat cheap pasta dishes because a talking hand tells them to! Let us laugh and be merry!

Also, I really really really like every time we've talked about how we're total assholes. I mean, how can you not like that? (Asshole alert.)

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