Monday, 2 June 2008

If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour, you're gonna see some serious shit.

heather Dear Miss Hogan,

Congratulations once again on your recent graduation from the National Aeronautics and Space Administration's Timeflight School. It is the standard practice of the Timeflight School to review your first week of solo Time Travel so that we may address any potential actions that could jeopardize our current Space-Time Continuum (STC 6.4). While we are pleased that you did not make the mistake of trying to thwart either World War (after every graduating class, we are usually forced to reset the STC beginning in 1914), there was a pattern to your Travel, and some issues caused therein, that must be addressed. For the sake of expediency we have categorized your Travel as follows: Literature, Entertainment, Ex-Lovers, Accent, Personal Favors, Geography.


This week you registered your first of many stops in England in 1796. Your Travel log shows observation of Miss Jane Austen. You do not mention any interaction with the author; however, in the course of your visits, the entire text of Mansfield Park was erased from libraries, and replaced with a novel called Happily Ever After with the Darcys, which appears to be a sequel to Pride and Prejudice.

Your next stop was to Massachusetts in 1865. You noted in your log that this trip was to "observe the primary effects of the American Civil War on the northeastern United States." However, after your visit, Louisa May Alcott's classic, Little Women, was altered nearly beyond recognition. Jo March marries Laurie, Beth March lives, and Amy March and Mr. Fritz are eaten by a bear.

Additionally, the following literary changes were noted by our staff scholars after your first week of solo Time Travel: 1) In C.S. Lewis's Narnia masterpieces, Susan Pevinse is never restricted from Narnia; instead she embraces her sexuality and is allowed to fight alongside the men, eventually marrying Prince Caspian. 2) In J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series, Professor Lupin does not die. 3) All of the Baby-Sitters Club books that were ghost written disappear. 4) Charlotte of Charlotte's Web lives to a nice, old age of 79.

Miss Hogan, you should know that to change literature is to change the course of human events. These intrusions have been corrected to reflect STC 6.4, and we trust that you will not interfere with any authors in your future Travel.


After your first week of Travel, all collective consciousness of reality television disappeared beginning with MTV's The Real World in 1992. The second and third seasons of The L Word were completely rewritten, as well as the entire West Wing series after season 4. ABC's series Lois and Clark has now been on the air for 12 years. The 2008 Writer's Strike appears to never have taken place, resulting in 47% more screen time for Pam and Jim in the American sitcom The Office, as well as a nine-episode Gossip Girl story arc featuring the character of Georgina Sparks, according to our entertainment statisticians. In addition, the character of Aidan Shaw at first disappeared from the Sex and the City canon, but was then repeatedly added back into the story and written off the show in all manner ways, including: bear attack, drowning, choking on his own turquoise jewelry (thrice), taxi incident (accidental), taxi incident (purposefully killed by driver), tossed from roof (Samantha), tossed from roof (Charlotte), tossed from room (Miranda), tossed from roof (Mr. Big), tossed from roof (Steve), impaled by a variety of wood-working furniture, assaulted with a candlestick in Billiard Room, beaten with a lead pipe in Conservatory, and tossed from roof (Carrie).

Again, these errors have been corrected. If you have a personal issue with modern STC 6.4 entertainment, we suggest you use fan fiction as an outlet.


Miss Hogan, please: Timeflight 101: Do not interfere with your exes in any capacity. Do not drop paint buckets on their heads or the heads of their significant others. Do not set fire to bags of poop on their front porches. Do not toilet paper their houses. Do not put on Halloween masks and pop out of their closets in the middle of the night. In addition, do not practice any of these things on your friends' ex-lovers.


Perhaps the strangest incident in your first week of Travel is that you returned to 2008 with a perfect British accent. We cannot pinpoint the exact cause of this as it appears you tried several methods to ensure your English lilt in STC 6.4. Whether you moved your family to London for the first eight years of your life, or allowed only British grade school teachers to educate you, or hired a voice coach, please correct this on your own. It is absurd.

Personal Favors

We have corrected the following issues in STC 6.4: Your friend Abigail is no longer president of movies. Your friend Kat is no longer president of books. Your friend Jennie is no longer president of television. Neither are they married to David Cook, Ryan Adams, or Jim Halpert, respectively. Please refrain from "pulling strings" or "threatening with a blow torch" in the past to secure favors for your friends in the present/future.


The autonomy of the United States has been returned. It is no longer referred to as South Canada.

It has been a busy week for you, Miss Hogan, and while I commend your ingenuity, I must ask you to refrain from breaking any more NASA Timeflight rules in the future. Or, as it were, in the past.

Thank you for your time.


Dr. Emmett Brown

P.S. We are missing a dozen hoverboards from our testing facility in Washington D.C. If you know anything about this, please inform us immediately.

No comments: