Do you want...to form an alliance...with me?

My needs, most of them, are simple. I need food, water, booze, and books. That is all I need, aside from like, other people, but people aren't things because they have feelings. As far as I know, water doesn't have feelings. Otherwise, you'd hear screaming whenever you boiled water and ice cube trays would shiver all over the freezer. That would be weird, right? I mean, not as weird as Sigourney Weaver's possessed fridge in Ghostbusters, but still annoying. Even my booze needs are simple. Give me a beer and I'm happy. I don't know anything about wine, so I'll drink anything but white zinfandel because EW. My food needs are simple, mostly because I don't cook very often and when I do cook, I don't do anything fancy because A) I'm lazy and B) I'm prone to hurting myself, so I don't want to cut off a finger or set myself on fire.

My books needs, though? Not so simple. I won't read just anything and I want to read ALL THE TIME. Here is what I want right now: I want someone to give me money to read all day long. Here's the catch: I only want to read things that I want to read. It can't be assigned reading. Because, BOOOOO, assigned reading is lame. Anyway, if anyone would like to pay me a modest salary (seriously, I don't need much) so I can sit at home or whatever IN MY PAJAMAS and read all day long, I would appreciate it a lot. I'll even give you a cupcake. Promise!

If that doesn't work, I want to learn how to do this dance:



And then hang out with this kid:



Because I like turtles, too. I wonder what else we have in common?