Tuesday, 2 June 2009

circle of life

What is commonly refered to as "The Miracle of Birth" is really nothing more than a big fucking trick your body is playing on you. Seriously. You know how people say, "and from the moment I saw her, I fell in love. And I had never loved anything more."

Spoiler alert: that's science. Your body actually produces a pheromone that forces you to love your offspring.

Essentially this means that all the people who would actually need to hear what I have to say ("babies suck!") wouldn't be able to hear me because of all the science. Instead, let's level the playing field. Let's talk about something you didn't give birth to. This baby seal, for example. This lion kitten. This hippo.

I can hear your awwwwwwwwwwww all the way over hear on the West Coast. Shut up. You haven't seen Arctic Tale have you? Let me tell you about the arctic: it is not cute. It is sad and lonely and all the animals kill each other. When you try to pet this baby seal, a polar bear will appear and that polar bear will be mad. He will be mad because you are stealing his dinner. Bam: you're both dead.

Oh, and the baby lion? The baby lion has an appetite. Bam: you're dead.

And that little ootsy cutesy hippo. Did you know that hippos are considered the most dangerous animal in Africa? "The hippo is extremely aggressive, unpredictable and unafraid of humans, upsetting boats sometimes without provocation and chomping the occupants with its huge canine teeth and sharp incisors. Most human deaths occur when the victim gets between the hippo and deep water or between a mother and her calf." In other words, back the train up. That hippo is not your friend.

So, you might think that you love these animals and that you're meant to be together and that you have never loved anything more but listen to me: SCIENCE. KNOW IT. These babies SUCK just like the rest of them... hang on... I hear something rustling outside...

be right back...

YOU GUYS! Looooook!

I think I shall name him Norbert.

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