Phone it in Friday: You can't call a baby an asshole

Or can you?

Give it your best shot.

That baby is an asshole!

I'm a phony. I actually like babies. Well, some babies. Babies I know, I mean. I liked my sister when she was a baby. There are pictures. Somewhere. I like Joe's friend's baby, even though when we babysat her she wiped saliva-soaked graham cracker crumbs all over my jeans. I liked all my little cousins when they were babies, even Josh, who projectile vomited after every meal. He grew up to draw awesome pictures. Like, this one time? He showed me a picture and I was all, "tell me about your picture," and he was like, "um, it's a mummy and a hot dog, duh." He also once asked for chocolate donuts for Christmas, and after I stopped laughing I realized how GENIUS that was, because who doesn't like chocolate donuts? Then there's my other cousin who once named his penis The King, and also thought he had two spleens.

But all of that happened after they were babies. Babies suck because they aren't much fun. When they're first born, they just lie there and poop themselves. That's not cute. If I pooped myself right now, you would not coo over the adorable squinchy-poop-face I was making. I guess babies kind of cute when they grab your finger with their little hands, but who cares? They don't talk, they just scream, AND if they smile at you, it's just because they're full of toots, not because they think you're funny. Babies don't get jokes. Babies think Dane Cook is funny.

Babies don't get awesome until they get older and start doing stuff like when they try to walk and then fall on their diaper-clad butts. THAT'S funny shit. I also like when babies say bad words. I fully support that.

What I do not condone is babies being places they shouldn't. LIKE THE MOVIES. Look, I understand that baby-sitters are expensive and you might really, really need a night out. But that's your fault for having the baby in the first place. Don't bring your baby and all your baby's baby things into a movie theater, I don't care if you drugged it with enough sleeping pills* to down a small elephant. Sure, there's a chance your baby could make it a couple of hours without crying or pooping itself, but why take that chance? You might piss off an irate movie patron (ME) who might threaten to drop-kick your darling poop-factory through the movie screen and do you really want to be responsible for me going to jail? I don't think so.

ALSO. I'm in favor of restaurants creating No Babies sections. All Ohio restaurants are smoke-free now, so they could totally just change the old Smoking sections to No Babies sections. Children can be forced to behave themself in restaurants (sometimes with just good old fashioned threats!) but babies? Babies don't care that you just want to enjoy your steak because it's all, "Waaaah, I'm a baby and I'm hungry! Feed me now or I'll throw this on the floor! Oh, wait, I already did! And it broke!" Seriously, this happened the other night. Some evil baby just threw shit all over the floor and the waiter had to come clean it up while the baby's parents bent over backwards trying to make it stop crying. BABIES HAVE TOO MUCH POWER. Once Heidi and I were at Red Robin and a baby threw up ALL OVER THE FLOOR. Did it get kicked out? No. They just cleaned up its puke and the baby went on its merry way, probably to puke on something else. The next time you're in a restaurant, try throwing up on something and see what happens.

My point is, even though they can be cute sometimes, most of the time babies are really gross and should be kept at home.

*note: please do not drug your baby

PS: This is what happens when you Google "that baby is an asshole."

Why babies suck. (Except yours, of course.)

I'm a busy little bumblebee, and when I'm not working or drinking or going to concerts or drinking or traveling or drinking I used to be busy doing stuff. Stuff like this:



And this:



And this:



And this:



BUT NOT ANYMORE. You know why? Because my friends are so completely selfish that they won't stop having freaking adorable little babies. So where I once would spend my free time on this:



NOW, I'm busy doing this:



And this:



And this, even though I like the Washington Capitals, NOT the Detroit Red Wings:



And this, even though I like the Washington Capitals, NOT the Buffalo Sabres:



And this, and HOW did I end up with two friends who like the Sabres?



And you want to know the worst part? I HAVE FOUR PREGNANT FRIENDS. I will be knitting baby booties until I die.

circle of life

What is commonly refered to as "The Miracle of Birth" is really nothing more than a big fucking trick your body is playing on you. Seriously. You know how people say, "and from the moment I saw her, I fell in love. And I had never loved anything more."

Spoiler alert: that's science. Your body actually produces a pheromone that forces you to love your offspring.

Essentially this means that all the people who would actually need to hear what I have to say ("babies suck!") wouldn't be able to hear me because of all the science. Instead, let's level the playing field. Let's talk about something you didn't give birth to. This baby seal, for example. This lion kitten. This hippo.







I can hear your awwwwwwwwwwww all the way over hear on the West Coast. Shut up. You haven't seen Arctic Tale have you? Let me tell you about the arctic: it is not cute. It is sad and lonely and all the animals kill each other. When you try to pet this baby seal, a polar bear will appear and that polar bear will be mad. He will be mad because you are stealing his dinner. Bam: you're both dead.

Oh, and the baby lion? The baby lion has an appetite. Bam: you're dead.

And that little ootsy cutesy hippo. Did you know that hippos are considered the most dangerous animal in Africa? "The hippo is extremely aggressive, unpredictable and unafraid of humans, upsetting boats sometimes without provocation and chomping the occupants with its huge canine teeth and sharp incisors. Most human deaths occur when the victim gets between the hippo and deep water or between a mother and her calf." In other words, back the train up. That hippo is not your friend.

So, you might think that you love these animals and that you're meant to be together and that you have never loved anything more but listen to me: SCIENCE. KNOW IT. These babies SUCK just like the rest of them... hang on... I hear something rustling outside...

be right back...

YOU GUYS! Looooook!



I think I shall name him Norbert.