Phone it in Friday: Five Worst

All is quiet here this morning at Collective HQ. Not a creature is stirring; not even a mouse. Kat!'s been sick and Jennie!'s week has been called "frustration" and Abigail! gave up caffeine and Heather is asleep because she's been spending too many long nights on the TWoP Forums. Post for them today and I'm sure they'll give you a share of the revenue they make on Collective endorsements and such. Tell them your Five Worst list in the comments, or write a list on your own blog and link to it in the comments.

Next week: they interview each other and you and you interview them and each other. Oh, you don't want to miss that.

Now we are so happy, we do the dance of joy!

Here's the thing, you guys. I had this whole post about the 5 Worst Words in the English Language (moist, panties, irregardless, and closing time), but then I was all, "ooh, YouTube," and got distracted AND THEN I realized that I don't give a shit about the 5 Worst Words in the English Language because HEARING those words makes me want to stab myself in the ear repeatedly and with great force and why would I want to do that to myself? That's crazy. And so I bring you . . . the 5 Worst TV Shows of My Childhood (that I still love and would watch all the time if they were still on TV but they're not, they're only on YouTube WHICH IS JUST RUDE.)

I had a really hard time doing this, not only because I watched A LOT of shitty TV as a kid, but ALSO because I wanted to include shows like Ducktales and The Wonder Years and I just couldn't because those aren't bad shows, those are AMAZING shows. These shows? These are bad shows. But I can't not love them. I just can't. I tried. You can't just not love something that you love. You just can't. Try it.

(don't try it)

1. Perfect Strangers

I really don't understand why this show isn't on anymore. I mean, there was the uptight dude and his weirdo, foreign cousin and their random blond girlfriends. Also, Carl Winslow was on this show and that's how he got his OWN crappy show on TGIF. I'm a little fuzzy on the details because I think I was like eight when this show was on, but whatever. Clearly it had an impact. How could it not?



2. Saved By the Bell

I have no words. Just . . . this:



3. Charles in Charge

The last time I remember watching this show was this time in college when I came home at like 4 and drunkenly turned on Nick at Nite to find Charles and the gang up to their old tricks. To be honest, this may be the worst show I watched as a kid, but it isn't the worst thing I've ever watched drunk. I used to come home and turn on infomercials and once I almost accidentally bought the entire Time Life Music of the 60's collection. I called the number and everything. Then they asked for my credit card number, and that sobered me up enough to hang up the phone. Um. Anyway, feast your eyes on this:



bonus!



4. Captain Planet

I'm not proud of this, but once my parents took my sister and I on a cruise and I stayed in my windowless room for . . . a long time, because the cruise ship played reruns of Captain Planet on one of the four TV stations ALL. DAY. LONG. I love this show, even though the one kid's super power is Heart. If Heart was my super power, I'd be super pissed:



5. Salute Your Shorts

To be honest, I don't remember much about this show. However, I discovered that I remembered all the words to the theme song after watching this:



Runner Up:

The Five Worst Days of My Life.

In chronological order:

1. July 15, 1978
2. January 6, 2001
3. February 7, 2007
4. August 15, 2007
5. February 26, 2008

Loathing. Unadulterated loathing.

Maybe it's because I took too many writing classes in college or maybe it's because after spending all my money on private education I'm an intellectual snob but I hate, hate , HATE cliches. I mean, people, is it too hard to just say what you mean? Or better yet, stop hiding behind a cliche and figure out what you mean?

I'm not made of stone (har har) so I understand that cliches help people communicate and I think it's kind of cute when someone says, "If the shoe fits..." and just trails off. But it's the other shit, the forcing, the advice giving, that makes me ca-razy. For example, when you're admitting some sort of fault and in response your listening partner whips out the condescension and slams you with "Hindsight is always 20/20" how does that make you feel? You know how it makes me feel? Rage-y.

Let's just delve right in (har har).

1. Finding a needle in a haystack. So quiet you could hear a pin drop. It's like walking on pins and needles. Really? There are that many sharp, pointy things around that we've constructed a whole language around them? I'll tell you what. When it's so quiet you could hear a pin drop, I am most definitely not thinking about pins. I'm wondering whether or not it's supposed to be this quiet and exactly how awkward I should be feeling. I'm wondering whether it will make too much noise if I pull my cell phone out to see how much longer I'm going to have to be in this immensely boring whatever and then I'm wondering whether it will be too noticeable if I try to text from my phone. Pins, needles, or any other kind of poking device never occur to me.

2. It's water under the bridge. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Um, first of all, that second thing? TOTAL COP OUT. Second of all, why is there no other phrase for water under the bridge? I mean, I actually have to use that phrase (on a frighteningly regular basis) because there is no other way of saying what it means. Please someone suggest something. Tangential side note: when I imagine the water going under the bridge, it's always one of those old-timey rivers with the mill next to it. Does anyone else have memorable waters and bridges?

3. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. COP OUT.

4. Money doesn't grow on trees. No shit, Sherlock. I know that and I've never even passed an economics class. This is one of those condescending things. I get that we have to earn money blah blah blah. But wouldn't it be awesome if money did grow on trees?

5. Don't judge a book by it's cover. In the actual scenario with books and covers, I TOTALLY judge books by their covers. So does everyone else. That's why there's a whole publishing industry created around the branding of a book. HOWEVER, in the rest of life perhaps it's best not to judge the proverbial book by its proverbial cover. I mean, I'm no hater and being a feminist and all, I certainly don't like any sort of prejudicial connotations associated with covers or the outside or whatever. So, sure, whatever, don't judge. But when you're getting all snobby and telling someone else not to judge, at least come up with your own analogy that makes sense.

Wow. I didn't realize how many strong feelings I had. Good thing I paid all that money getting a writing degree that gave me rage against cliches so I could spend my time writing this. Full circle. Har har.

It has been many years since I had such an exemplary vegetable.

Last week we gave you our 5 Best Whatever lists; this week we'll be giving you our 5 Worst Whatever lists. This was much harder to narrow down than my 5 Best Television Couples list. I guess in my old age of almost-30, I am getting curmudgeonly. Here is my rage in action:

5 Worst Characters to be Stuck With on a Desert Island.


Mr. Collins, Pride and Prejudice

Not only would Mr. Collins be physically useless and—quite frankly—yucky in a swimsuit, he would drive a woman batshit crazy on a deserted island, what with the following her around, and insincerely doting on her techniques for collecting firewood, building a hut, driving a spear through the heart of a wild boar. He would spend half his day pontificating the ways in which island dwelling would absolutely be unacceptable to his patroness, Lady Catherine de Bourgh; and half his day gawking at your coconuts. The only good thing about having Mr. Collins around would be that when you eventually and inevitably cooked him, he would absolutely taste like chicken.



Scrappy Doo, Scooby-Doo

I hate Scrappy-Doo and everything he stands for. Network executives need to understand that sometimes a show just needs to take a bow, and exit stage left. If you were on an island with Scrappy-Doo, at first you'd be all, "Ha ha. What a cheeky Great Dane puppy." But by week two, his over-exuberance and punky little know-it-all attitude would be like sandpaper on your sunburn. And by week three, well, you'd have to put him down. But think about this nightmare: what if you were trapped on a deserted island with ALL the Scrappy-Doos? Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch, Olivia from The Cosby Show, those tiny, annoying kid-Smurfs who were shorter, even, than three apples tall. My God, you'd have to kill all of them: puppies, children, and smurflings alike. Next thing you know, you've gone from Jedi Knight to a Dark Lord of the Sith, and how freakin' unbearable would a huge, black helmet be on a deserted island?


Viki Vale, Batman

Viki Vale is the good-for-nothingest woman to ever, ever be rescued. Look, if Batman tries to help you out of harm's way, you let him. You don't stand around and screech and whimper, okay? That's distracting. And if Batman sleeps with you, well, the next morning you say, "Thanks, mate, I always wanted to bonk a superhero." You don't say, "I just wanna know... are we gonna try to love each other?" No, okay? We're not. I'm a hero. I have lives to save. And toys to play with. The reasons Viki Vale would be so lame on a desert island are the same reasons she's so lame in Gotham City. She's got about a gazillion needs and feelings. She panics about everything. And she just can't leave well enough alone. If, on your island, you wandered off for some quality by-yourself-time, she'd find you up in your tree or down in your river or even in your cave. And she'd pester and pester and pester until you'd have to draw a line in the sand and say, "Cross this, and I am going to wallop you with my Bat-o-rang." She would cross it, and you would wallop her, and then somehow she'd make it seem like it was all your fault.


The Effing Castle Toad, Super Mario Brothers

The Mario Bros. Castle Toad is the embodiment of worthlessness. You hurdle pits of fire and blood, you scale walls, you dodge ghosts, you crack codes, you jump over or dash under a Koopaling to save the princess, and what do you get? You get Castle Toad. "Thank you Mario, but our princess is in another castle." Oh yeah, another castle? Thank you, Toad. That information would have been very useful YESTERDAY. You get stranded on an island with that toad and you know what's going to happen? You'll sit down to a nice dinner of roasted trout one night, and you'll see a ship or a helicopter or a hoverboard leaving the island, and you'll try to flag it down to rescue you. "Damn," you'll say, when you're unsuccessful. "I just missed that airplane."

"Airplane?" the Effing Castle Toad will say. "Oh, yeah. I met the pilot a little while ago. He was looking for directions. I told him not to stay here unless he really likes pineapple."


Aidan Shaw, Sex and the City

I love it when someone suggests we play Marry, Do, or Die, because without fail Sex and the City comes up, and I get to shout out, "KILL AIDAN SHAW!" You'd think because he is a carpenter or whatever, Aidan would be good to have around on a desert island, but no. He would not. He'd follow you around and try to nuzzle your neck while you looked for bananas or berries, and when you finally just had enough and said, "You know what, Aidan, I'm a little freaked out here, okay? I'm stranded on an island, and I don't know what we're going to eat or where we're going to sleep, and I actually think I may have left the coffee pot on in my apartment, so could you just... stop touching me for like five seconds?"

He'd be all, "Don't worry, baby. It's groovy that we're here on this island, together, by ourselves, with only the tasks of conversation and body exploration stretching out in front of us... for all eternity."

His gear-grinding voice, and his condescending inability to comprehend that some things are JUST A BIG DEAL, OKAY—maybe not a big deal to you, BUT A BIG DEAL TO ME, would make you so crazy that you'd end up strangling him and using his turquoise jewelry as fishing lures.


And you? What character would you least like to be stuck with on a desert island?