I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues.

First published seven years before I was born
and read cover to cover till the cover was worn,
this book is a book that means so much to me
this book that defines me is The Lorax, you see.

The first several pages are dreary and dank
and give the impression the old Once-ler once stank.
Then BAM! the page turns and the scene's lush with color
and the world that you live in seems quite a bit duller.

Those Truffula Trees with tufts softer than silk
emitting the smell of fresh butterfly milk!
How I wanted a Truffula Tree in my yard
and a Lorax to live there and always keep guard.

And that greedy Once-ler had the same exact thought
but his motive was nefarious and icky as snot.
Instead of enjoying the beauty of that tree
The Once-ler thought only of dirty green money.

He chopped down that Truffula Tree with a WHACK!
and soon called in the rest of his pack.
They chopped down those trees again and again,
they chopped down those trees and only stopped when
there was nothing left.

The land was barren, dirty, and spoiled.
The Brown Bar-ba-loots looked around and recoiled.
The Swomee-Swans choked in the smog.
The Humming-Fish left to escape the dense fog.
Nothing could live in a land so dirty.
Even The Lorax left with a heart that was hurty.

It's easy to think this is nothing but fiction,
but look around and you'll see the affliction.
From forests clear-cut because it's easier that way
to beaches so dirty you'd swear it foul play.

I knew as a child all this was preventable
and so I decided to prevent the lamentable.
To law school I went and then EPA
and there I work to this very day.
I'm trying my best to speak for the trees,
but it's an uphill battle, so I'm asking you, Please.
Please try to walk when walking will do.
Please turn off the lights and recycle, too.
We all live here on this planet together;
if we all do our share then things will get better.

We are each and every one a Lorax, you see,
and a Lorax, I think, is the best thing to be.

Boxcars FTW

The Boxcar Children were my childhood companions and as long as the mysteries weren't too scary (book 7 or 8 with the creepy basement under the cave or whatever, I'm looking at you) I tried to read them in one sitting. Unfortunately, because I am made of lose I can't remember much about the books.

Here are things I can remember without using the internet:

benny, violet, henry, and.. and... I can't remember the other girl's name
grandfather alden
boxcar
henry mows lawns
blue cup
bakery
solve mysteries
how do they find all these mysteries?
there is a housekeeper
the ages are fucked up

I don't have any of the books here at my current residence and I didn't plan this very well enough to get to the library and check any out so instead, you get to take the memory journey with me through the internet. Ready?

Wackopedia
"The Boxcar Children is a children's literary franchise originally created and written by American writer and first-grade school teacher Gertrude Chandler Warner and which today includes well over 100 titles. The series is aimed at middle readers in Grades 2-4."

A hundred titles?! That's crazy! When I was wee there were only 30.

Detour: Gertrude Chandler Warner
"She was criticized for displaying children with little parental supervision; her critics thought that that would encourage child rebellion. Her response was, however, that the children liked it for that very reason."

Oh, G-C-Dub, LOVE. Also, you guys, she only wrote 19. Kinda like BSC.



"The first book tells the story of four children: Henry Alden, 14; Jessie Alden, 12; Violet Alden, 10; Benny Alden, 6; and their dog Watch. Upon the death of their mother and father, their grandfather assumes custody of the children, but they run away because they believe him to be cruel. Finding an abandoned boxcar, they start a new life of independence. A man named Dr. Moore, who lives in a nearby city, hires Henry to do jobs around his home, such as mowing the lawn and organizing his garage. With the help of Henry's income and living off the land, the children are able to take care of themselves until Violet becomes ill and they must go to Dr. Moore for assistance."

Jessie! That was her name. Besides that I have to say my memory wasn't too bad. Does Dr. Moore know that they are living out of a boxcar? I used to wonder this to myself often. How it was so shady. Probably I was wondering this because I was obsessed with the books longer after Grades 2-4.

"When Violet is taken ill, Dr. Moore finally contacts James Alden, who arrives just after the children bring in Violet for treatment. Not wanting to frighten the children into running away again, their grandfather referred to himself as Mr. Henry (Henry being his middle name). Not knowing that the man was their "cruel" grandfather, the children warm to his kindness and are surprised but delighted when Dr. Moore reveals to them that he is their grandfather. After moving in with their grandfather, Mr. Alden moves the boxcar to his backyard for their enjoyment."

and... the fuck? I mean, really, what?

"The Gertrude Warner Museum opened in a red boxcar in Putnam, Connecticut in 2004.[4]In July 2004, a museum in Putnam, Connecticut was opened to honor Gertrude Warner and the Boxcar Children series.

She is buried in Grove Street Cemetery, Putnam, Connecticut."


UM I MUST GO THERE! Road trip? Very yes.



In the list of books I've found "7 The Woodshed Mystery." This is the one that scared the shit out of me. I think I might have finally read it when I was in high school. There was a trap door and when the children opened it for the first time, I closed the book shut and moved on to #8 (Lighthouse Mystery, also scary btw). Amazon says that the phrase "potato pit" appears often in the book so perhaps that is where the trap door leads, but creepy people hang out there, I promise. (Amazon also says the phrase "old candlestick" appears often. I did some boxcar-style sleuthing and discovered that perhaps an old candlestick was found in the shady potato pit. It must be a clue.)

Also from Wackopedia, a list of strange circumstances they constantly stumble across:

The Aldens try to figure out why Bill disappeared.

Eccentric Aunt Jane needs help on her ranch. The Aldens overturn a plot against her.

Marooned on a mountain, the Aldens survive a landslide and find a Native American secret.

Benny's curiosity, while staying in a fishing village, leads to capturing a swindler. [Note: If Amazon could do that phrase thing for the whole series, "Benny's curiosity" would appear at least one billion times.]

Floating down a lazy river, Benny finds a blackmail scheme in progress.

The children try to clean up and old library so it can receive landmark status, but someone else tries to stop them.

The Boxcar Children try to find out who's responsible for causing some trouble at Edward Marlow's zoo.

Someone is trying to keep Max Greene from inheriting his great aunt's estate.

Man! Don't you want to read them all now?! I sure do. Too bad my mom told me that my collection (#1-31) got destroyed when the basement flooded.

I think I might check them out from the library though. That is, if someone else doesn't try to stop me!

Claudia and the Great Search (BSC #33)

What I am about to say might make you feel violated, but I have to tell you. You have a right to know. Whew. Okay. Here it is: The first 35 Baby-Sitters Club books were written by Ann M. Martin, just as the covers suggest. But the rest of the BSC books—at least the next 40—were written... BY A MAN. I found out about Scholastic's ghostwriting policy deceit a year or so ago, and I have tried really hard to come to grips with it, to, you know, just live with the fact that I thought I was taking my fun aunt Ann M. Martin along to my friends' houses, but really I was bringing along a creepy, grown ass man to slumber parties. It's gross, of course it is. And I feel betrayed, yes. But I want to forgive Scholastic for the lies, to move on. They gave me Harry Potter, didn't they? But before Harry Potter, they gave me Claudia and the Great Search. I recently reread BSC #33 for Collective review, and unlike Dawn and the Older Boy (BSC #37, the second title penned, funnily enough, by a Creepy Older Boy) Claudia and the Great Search (BSC #33) was written by fun Aunt Ann. OR SO THEY SAY.

Claudia Kishi (who—in college—surely moved to NYC with her poet/guitarist boyfriend) is a charter member of Stonybrook, Connecticut's very own Baby-Sitter's Club, along with her best friend Stacy McGill (who I'm positive grew up to be the editor of a successful fashion magazine); and her two long-time pals Mary Ann Spier (who undoubtedly had a pregnancy scare in high school), and Kristy Thomas (who—when was not touring with the LPGA—certainly became a practicing lawyer. And also, obviously, a lesbian). Early in the series the fabulous four are joined by Dwan Schaffer, a California transplant (who grew up, I'll bet, to found Trader Joe's); as well as two junior members, Jessie Ramsey (dancer) and Mallory Pike (ginger-head).

And there you have the first three chapters of Claudia and the Great Search.

For the rest of the story we follow Claudia as she determines that she is adopted, that her "parents" don't love her, and that she needs to find her real parents. Why does Claudia think she is adopted, you ask? Well, Claudia's sleuthing early in the book brings about these clues. a) Claudia's sister Janine is a certifiable genius, while Claudia can barely spell. b) Janine wears plain outfits like this: "a long pleated plaid skirt, a white shirt with a round collar, stockings, and blue heels." (Which, incidentally, was my middle school chorus uniform.) While Claudia wears funky outfits like this: "a very short black skirt, and oversized white shirt with bright pink and turquoise poodles printed on it, flat turquoise shoes with ankle straps, and a ton of jewelry, including dangly poodle earrings... hair swept to one side in a high ponytail held in place with a huge pink barrette." (Which, incidentally, is something Carrie Bradshaw would wear to the post office.) c) Claudia (the second child) finds more pictures of Janine (the first child) in old family photo albums. And d) There is a locked box on her father's desk. (She is sure it contains her birth certificate from her actual parents.)

As is the way with all BSC books, it turns out Claudia's family really does love her. Plus—surprise!—she's not adopted: her grandma was a funky dresser, too! And along Claudia's quest to (momentary) self-acceptance, she helps a babysitting charge get into preschool! And she learns that, no matter what, her friends are always going to stand beside her. (Even when Scholastic starts pooping out BSC Super Mysteries.) Also in this book, Claudia uses a microfiche machine at the library, which really isn't significant, just proof that it was written in 1989.

Oh, and one more thing: that locked box on top of Claudia Kishi's dad's desk, it was full of cash!

I never had much in common with the BSC, and certainly my parents didn't have a box of money in their bedroom. If they did, I would have probably stolen it—twenty dollars at a time—for delivery pizza. When mom and dad found out, they would have definitely felt violated. But hey, guess what, that's life. Just another friendly lesson from Stonybrook, Connecticut.

Phone It In Friday: Book It!

Hey, do you guys remember Book It!? You know. Book It! I'm not screaming at you, I just think there was an exclamation point after the It. Anyway, you read books. And got a button. And the more books you read, the more stickers you got on your button and eventually you got a free personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut. Awesome.

Anyway, so you know how we answered all those questions earlier this week? About books and junk? Your turn!

Books and memes: I don't care if it's polygamy, I want to marry them.

Hi kids, it's me. Tuesday night what's left of my tiny little heart was shattered into about a billion pieces, so Jennie was kind enough to take my place here yesterday while I recovered. I'm not 100%, but I am better. And still completely smitten with Brooks Laich.

Here we go:

1) What book are you reading right now?
Choke, by Chuck Palahniuk. See, I finally read Jane Eyre and that book made me SO ANGRY that the only book that could possibly follow it was something sick and twisted by Palahniuk. So Palahniuk it is.

2) What is the fourth sentence on page 133 of that book?
"Cold spots, bad smells, eerie feelings--most people don't need an exorcist."

3) What is one book that changed your life?
Deliverance by James Dickey. Wow. I am so surprised I just typed that.

4) What is one book that you read again and again?
Actually, I read all of my books again and again; I'm not terribly smart, you see, so I need a re-read or two to figure out what the hell is going on.

5) What three books would you want on a desert island?
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger, and The Complete Calvin & Hobbes. I heart that strip so hard.

6) What is the funniest book you've ever read?
Oh my gosh, have I even read a funny book? Uh, I'm gonna say Eats, Shoots & Leaves by Lynne Truss.

7) What book made you cry the most?
Ho-ly shit, that last Harry Potter book. That scene when Harry's about to walk into the Forest, I mean, WTF mate? Could I have possibly cried any harder? I do not think so.

8) What book do you wish had been written?
The Love of the Last Tycoon. Every time I read what there is of it I get SO PISSED OFF that Fitzgerald died before he could finish.

9) What would be the title of your autobiography?
Much Ado About Nothing.

10) What book do you keep meaning to read?
All the ones I haven't yet read, of which there are many.

11) What five books should everyone be required to read?
Silent Spring by Rachel Carson, A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn, Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger, uh... and some other books. I dunno.

12) What book was the biggest waste of your time?
Atonement. See below.

13) What was your favorite book as a child?
The Lorax. It's pretty much the reason I do what I do for a living.

14) What book have you read the most?
Given that I've read The Great Gatsby at least once a year for the last fifteen years, I'm a-gonna go with that one.

15) Is there any book's ending that you would like to rewrite? What would you change about the original ending?
Ooooooh yeah, the last section of Atonement pretty much ruined the entire book for me. For serious, I got so angry I threw the damn thing against the wall, which, apparently, is what one does to books that make you angry.