Tuesday, 26 August 2008

Guest post: Heather Nicole!

Heather Nicole writes I Heart Heather (comment here to be added), a blog that she doesn't update enough.

I'm going to blame the fact that this post is mostly YouTube clips on the cast of The Hills, who own my soul on Monday nights. And also on laziness, which owns my soul all the time, every day.

5. Worst commercial
The first time I saw a commercial for the Ped Egg, I thought it was a joke on account of in the commercial, a lady actually dumps a container full of her dried foot skin onto the floor. And then she just keeps talking, like she had not just sprinkled her savory foot shavings all over the code of acceptable human behavior. Remember that chapter in "A Clockwork Orange" when they show Alex a "movie" that is just scene after scene of gruesome torture to condition him to get sick when he witnesses violence? THAT IS THIS COMMERCIAL, only murder is significantly more palatable than what you're about to see:

4. Worst werewolf transformation
This clip is from a show called Destination Truth. I don't normally watch shows like this, but I happened to be flipping through channels right when an Argentinian man was proving to the show's host that he is, in fact, "El Lobizon," which is Argentina's version of the werewolf. Clearly I had to watch. Not only is it the most deliciously awful performance ever, the host's response is so awesome that it almost makes up for the fact that he is an adult, with a brain, in Argentina looking for werewolves:

3. Worst musical
A few years back, the producers of Broadway show Jekyll and Hyde were all Who should we hire to play the lead role in our musical? and somehow landed on David Hasselhoff. How much would I love to have been a fly on the crack pipe responsible for that decision? SO MUCH. My mom gave me the DVD for Christmas because she hates me, and my sister and I watched it that night. Toward the middle of this scene, when he rips off his shirt, I actually had to get up and sprint to the bathroom because for the first time since Cody Myer's fourth birthday party, I peed my pants:


I am going to leave you with one last story, the one that first came to mind when I started thinking about "worsts." It is going to count for two worsts because a) it is so long and b) Spencer Pratt is not going to watch himself be a douchebag.

2, 1. The worst date ever
A few months ago I came to work and there was a new, really hot guy working in the back. So hot that I agreed to go out with him even though he had been to prison for stealing a car. (Also I should mention that I live in a really small town called Weed and when someone with the majority of their original teeth intact asks you out, YOU GO, even if they've spent a few months in the slammer.) Anyway. We agree to meet in this parking lot (sketchy) and when I'm getting ready to leave my house, he calls to tell me he might be late because he's got these handcuffs on and he doesn't have the key.

Me: Uh, did the POLICE put the handcuffs on you?
Him: No my friend did.
Me: By "friend" do you mean "naked girl"?
Him: No.
Me: Cool, call me when you lose the 'cuffs.

I know you're judging me, but remember the HOTNESS and the TEETH. So we end up meeting later in the parking lot, and he gets into my car (he couldn't drive, on account of it would violate his parole) holding a beer can. I think he saw me giving him a judgy look because he quickly assures me that he isn't drinking - the can is for spitting. UH HUH. A man has spit tobacco into a beer can IN MY CAR. Put some stretch pants on me and stick a baggie of meth in my pocket 'cause I DONE GONNA BE ON COPS. He apparently doesn't notice that I'm in the thralls of an anxiety attack because he directs me to drive to the grocery store, where he's gonna borrow money from his friend to finance our romantic evening together, which included a movie, two hours at his friend's house smoking pot and him trying to convince me to make out with him on a couch six inches away from his friend's passed-out body. If that is not the worst thing you have ever heard ... you know what, I cannot even finish that sentence because there is NO WAY THAT IS NOT THE WORST THING YOU'VE EVER HEARD.

Please still like me.

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