Monday, 25 August 2008

Guest Post: Kerri Anne!

heather Tired of hearing the ol' Collective drone on and on week after week? Tired of the same ol' song and dance? Tired of hearing about Michael Phelps when there were so many other talented Olympians like, say, Lisa Leslie, four-time gold medal winner in women's basketball? No? You're just tired because it's Monday? OK, then. Either way, we've got a treat for you this week: GUEST POSTS! Because we like to spice it up every now and then. Please welcome Kerri Anne to The Collective. Spectacular middle name, no? And she's cute too.

[Wild applause!]

Hi! I'm Kerri Anne and I watch a lot of movies. "A lot" as in "probably too many, but if you judge me I'll throw my popcorn in your hair." When Heather Anne asked me to guest post this week, it literally took me two weeks just to narrow down my preferred list of "5 Worst," mostly because do you know how many 5 Worst lists one can compile based solely on movies and movie-watching alone?

I won't bore you with the mathematical statistics, but rest assured the lists, they could fill an entire theatre, leaving standing-room only. I did finally, after much weeping and gnashing of teeth, choose my favorite 5 Worst, and thus, without further adieu, I invite you to cozy up in front-row seats of your choosing for this, the world premier of Kerri's 5 Worst Ways To Die, Cinematically Speaking Of Course:

5. Being impaled by an enormous piece of flying steel, while you and your technology-thieving boss are being carried up up and away by a Tornado you were just chasing.

Perhaps if he would have channeled his inner Westley Cary Elwes' character would have escaped such a horrible cinematic fate. Oh, and that's Cary Elwes' favorite cronie on the right, being impaled while still driving the tornado chasing truck. See also: yikes.

4. Being eaten alive by a new-age T-Rex, while you were attempting to hide from the pre-historic madness in the nearest rest-room facilities.

Three minutes after Martin Ferrero's character abandons the kiddos in his Jurassic Park tour truck and hightails it toward the nearest restroom, we find him sitting on a toilet while a hungry T-Rex looks down upon him quizzically. Two seconds later the T-Rex eats him, of course. Were the writers trying to teach us a lesson about Karma? Probably. In any event, I image it to be mighty unsettling: one minute you're (fake) going to the bathroom, and the next, you're in the belly of one of the Jurassic period's most highly renowned predators.

3. Accidentally stepping on a mine just as you are about to finally escape dangerous mercenaries, while the love of your life is standing not one-hundred yards away, gazing back at you without any idea why you suddenly stopped running.

Hi, depressing much? This is how Angelina Jolie's character in Beyond Borders perishes, which has to be the most horribly realist portrayal of what would probably happen if you really did have to flee to safety through an unmarked mine field. The moral of the story: steer clear of the mines. No, really.

2. Being torn in half and eaten by a genetically engineered "super shark," just minutes after celebrating an experiment gone right.

Enter 1999's "thriller" Deep Blue Sea, starring A Pretty Mad Scientist, The Shark Whisperer, Samuel L. Jackson and--wait for it--LL Cool J. Samuel L. Jackson is in this movie all of ten minutes, which makes it doubly hilariously horrible that his character is the one who is eaten by the shark that--according to the very high-tech computer screens in the lab--has been successfully genetically altered to be smarter than any other living creature, past or present. The premise of the movie proves its point rather nicely in positioning Samuel L. directly in front of an open ocean pool wherein he proceeds to deliver what is to be his final soliloquy. By the end of the scene there remains no doubt that the shark, and arguably a stick, is smarter than Samuel L. Jackson's character (and Samuel L. Jackson's agent).

1. In a freak gasoline fight with your two best friends.

OK, so I admittedly saved this tragic movie moment for last, as this number one of the 5 Worst could also arguably be the best way to die cinematically, which only serves to further illustrate the beauty and the duality, the cinematic complexity that is Zoolander.

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