Congratulations, you lazy bastard.
This honor is too much. As unworthy as I feel of such high praise, I’d like to clear up what appears to be a misconception regarding my perceived foot dragging where starting the effing blog is concerned.
Prior to making the decision to take the leap into the high-pressure world of drivel writing, I wanted to get some guidance. Naturally, I sought the assistance of an elderly Asian man, since we all know that elderly Asian men (especially those that look like this) are chock full of both wisdom and the ability to kick Uma Thurman’s ass. Unfortunately, southern states tend to have a rather limited supply of these folks, so I had to settle for the first middle-aged Asian dude I could find. Sitting on a park bench. Next to a dog.
Me: Um. Hi!
Me: Yeah, so I’m thinking about starting a blog and I want to do it right and I was hoping you could maybe hook me up with a little wisdom on how to proceed, y’know, slap some Confucian whatnot on me and…well…stuff?
MAAGSOAPBNTAD: [Hands me a piece of paper] Sign!
Me: Wait, what is this? What …
MAAGSOAPBNTAD: [snatches paper from me]
Me: What did I just do?
MAAGSOAPBNTAD: THREE STEP! NUMBER ONE: NO HANKY PANKY!
Me: Pardon? Hanky pa…
MAAGSOAPBNTAD: Good clog need concentration! Lack of boob help focus!
Me: Blog. B-L-O-G. Lack of … wait. Sex?! For how long?
MAAGSOAPBNTAD: Good question. NUMBER TWO: FIND AND KILL WILY PUMA!
Me: Find and …what?!?!?
Me: What the hell does …. why do you have a picture of a pu…
MAAGSOAPBNTAD: NUMBER THREE: SELL VACUUM CLEANER DOOR-TO-DOOR AT REASONABLE PRICE!
Me: No. This is complete bullsh…..
MAAGSOAPBNTAD: [hands me the paper I signed] READ!!!!
Me: [reading] My God. That’s the most flawlessly-worded fine print I’ve ever seen. And you’re a notary.
So, having become a sexless puma-killing vacuum salesman, there was pretty much no way that I wasn’t going to start a blog. As for the delay, trust me when I tell you that finding and killing a puma, wily or otherwise, is no picnic and that rushing such an endeavor will only result in your getting scratched/bitten and the puma fleeing into the cold dark night to possibly kill again.
The duck, however, makes it all worthwhile. I was also gratified to see that said duck has excellent taste in books and enjoys vodka martinis, unlike some non-duck humans who