Thursday, 14 August 2008
my life: a brief history
3rd Grade: Indian Riffle Elementary School, science class
Mr. Counts: And human blood is what color?
Mr. Counts: Good . . . yes, Jennie?
Jennie: Also, black.
Mr. Counts: . . .
Jennie: My dad told me Vulcans have black blood.
Mr. Counts: Um . . .
5th Grade: Indian Riffle Elementary School, Mrs. Wolfe's class
Mrs. Wolfe: OK, if I said "Golden Gate," what place might I be talking about?
Mrs. Wolfe: No, Jennie, those are the Pearly Gates.
6th Grade: Indian Riffle Elementary School, UN Day preparation
Mrs. Morgan: Jennie, this needs warmed up a bit.
[two minutes later, a small explosion]
Mrs. Morgan: What was that?
Jennie: Um, the microwave.
Mrs. Morgan: Jennie, did you put that metal pan in the microwave?
Jennie: . . . is that not OK?
8th Grade: Mrs. Kehl's English Class, end of day
[bell rings, everyone starts to leave, Jennie accidentally dumps contents of bookbag on floor]
Mrs. Kehl: Tammy, I need to talk to you.
[Mrs. Kehl and Tammy begin conversation, Jennie finishes gathering contents of book bag and walks to the front of the classroom, where she proceeds to wipe out, slide across the floor, and ram into the side of the filing cabinet; Tammy and Mrs. Kehl look on in horror]
Mrs. Kehl: Um.
Jennie: I'm OK!
Mrs. Kehl: Good.
[Mrs. Kehl and Tammy go back to conversation.]
11th Grade: First driving lesson
Driving Instructor: OK, there's a red light up there. Turn left.
Jennie: Do I have to stop?
Driving Instructor: What?
Driving Instructor: Turn right at the next street.
Jennie: Up there?
Driving Instructor: Yes, up there.
Driving Instructor: You're gonna want to slow down . . . yep, a little slower. OH GOD SLOW DOWN.
Jennie: Sorry! (should I leave them a note?)
12th grade: last day of classes, mini-golfing - 18th hole
Jennie: I'm gonna hit this ball as hard as I can!
Friends: Um . . .
Jennie: Here I go!
[Jennie hits ball, ball ricochets off of a rock]
Jennie: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! THAT FUCKING BALL HIT ME IN THE HEAD!
Friends: Um . . .
Crowd of parents and kids: Le gasp!
College: very early Saturday morning, walking home from bar
Jennie: I'm going to call Erin . . . ring ring . . . it's ringing!
Jennie: . . . yeeeeeeeeah? Who is this?
Voice: Jennie, this is your mother.
Jennie: Oh . . . hi, Mom!
Jennie: I like you.
Boy: I just want to be friends.
Jennie: Hey, it's the episode of The Office with the bat! I love this one!
Joe: It is a good one.
Jennie: I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
Jennie: I'm afraid of bats and I'll tell you why . . .
Jennie: This one time, when I was 5 or 6, I was staying at my aunt and uncle's house and I was lying on my back with my eyes closed? And when I opened my eyes, a bat was sitting on my chest! And so I screamed? And the bat flew away.
Joe: Wait. The bat was standing on your chest? I thought they just hung from things.
Jennie: They have feet, they can stand.
Joe: OK. And it was staring at you?
Jennie: No, it was just sitting there.
Joe: Where'd it go?
Jennie: . . . I don't know? Back to wherever it came from?
Joe: But . . . how did it get out?
Jennie: I DON'T REMEMBER BUT IT REALLY HAPPENED, OK?
Also, there was that time I fell into the men's room.