Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Heather interviewed by Jennie (and Joe).

heather 1. This isn't really a question BUT. Please share something you've written recently that you really like. Or two things! All the things!

OK, here's something I wrote in a TV recap yesterday while I was ... tipsy and Gchatting Abigail.

Emily wakes up to the familiar sound of Naomi running for her life. She sighs and her face looks like, "Goddamit, Naomi Campbell!" And her morning hair looks like it was licked into place by kittens. And she gets up and marches straight up the hill, shouting at Naomi to stop right now. And Naomi — just listen to this bollocky wankshite right here — Naomi literally goes, "What?"

What? What?! What in the homegrown banana fuck do you think?

2. What's it like to be such a super talented writer?

Sorry, is Joe asking this to Jennie or is Jennie asking this to Joe?

3. This is from Joe: Who would win in a fight: Kitty Pryde or Batgirl?

Uh, Batgirl. But Ellen Page would kick Alicia Silverstone's ass. (Even I could kick Alicia Silverstone's ass.)

4. This is from me: Who would win in a fight: Intersect 2.0 Chuck or Agent Sarah Walker? (I don't know why they're fighting...maybe it's foreplay, who knows)


OK, so Amy and I had a long chat about this last night and what we ultimately decided is: Agent Sarah Walker would win because she knows Chuck's (and therefore the Intersect's) weakness. And the weakness, of course, is her. "That's what makes you weak." "No! That's what makes you great!" Swoooooooooooon.

5. Cookies or ice cream?


Warm chocolate chip cookies forever.

6. Do you think Steve Carell should leave The Office when his contract is up?

I can't imagine The Office without Steve Carell. (Next year, though, I'd really like to see more Jenna Fischer. Pam felt so absent this year.)

7. Who do you think the funniest woman on TV is?

This is a great question! I'd like to give a less cliched response, but I really think it's gotta be Tina Fey.

8. Funniest man?

Ty Burrell, who plays Phil Dunphy in Modern Family, is super funny. But I think I gotta cliche this one too and say Jon Stewart.

9. Have you read Pride & Prejudice & Zombies? If so, what'd you think?

You will not be surprised to hear that it tormented me.

10. I don't buy Lydia as a zombie-killer. I think she'd probably just want to make out with the soldier-zombies. Thoughts?

Totally. Lydia is kind of a whore.

11. What's the first thing you're going to do when you go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter?

Faint, probably. Like those fools who meet rock stars.

12. Joe told me that Hogwarts isn't real. Why would he do that?

I can only assume his soul has been stolen. BY VOLDEMORT.

13. Remember how Neville got totally badass in Book 7?

You just sent chills up my spine. Here's something pretty funny: This dude is reading Harry Potter for the first time and blogging about it chapter by chapter. He just finished the first book and watched the first movie and the only thing he knows is that -- SPOILER ALERT (though if you haven't read HP by now, I don't know what to say to you) -- Snape kills Dumbledore.

"Would you mind moving out of the way?" came Malfoy's cold drawl from behind them. "Are you trying to earn some extra money, Weasley? Hoping to be a gamekeeper yourself when you leave Hogwarts, I suppose--that hut of Hagrid's must seem like a palace compared to what your family's used to."

Ron dived at Malfoy just as Snape came up the stairs.

"WEASLEY!"

Ron let go of the front of Malfoy's robes.

"He was provoked, Professor Snape," said Hagrid, sticking his huge hairy face out from behind the tree. "Malfoy was insultin' his family."

"Be that as it may, fighting is against Hogwarts rules, Hagrid," said Snape silkily. "Five points from Gryffindor, Weasley, and be grateful it isn't more. Move along, all of you."

FIRST OF ALL, YOU DO NOT INSULT MY HAGRID. SECONDLY, GO DIE IN A FIRE. THIRDLY, SNAPE PLEASE CHOKE ON A RUTABEGA. FOURTHLY, FIVE POINTS FROM YOUR FACE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE NOTICED, BUT I LIKE TO BOLD AND ITALICIZE MY WORDS TO GIVE THEM EXTRA MEANING BEYOND THE ALL CAPS ATTACK.

14. Do you ever miss your old blog?

Yeah. A lot. I got the saddest email from an old blog reader the other day who said, "I miss the way you used to write when no one cared what you thought about TV." And I miss that too.

15. What would you do if you found a baby bear?

Bring him home and cuddle him because I wouldn't be able to help myself (because have you seen baby bears) and then I'd wake up the next morning without a face.

16. If you could change one TV show event, what would you change?

Clone Lois marries Clark.

17. If you could get rid of one TV show character, who would you get rid of and why?

AIDAN FUCKING SHAW. I WOULD ERASE HIM FROM HISTORY.

18. What show should everyone be watching? Besides Chuck, which I think goes without saying at this point. Hee.

Dudes. If you did not watch Modern Family this season, catch up over the summer because it was the best comedy happening on TV this year. I mean smart and hysterical and heart-warming and almost always perfect. But also, if you're not watching Chuck, I just. I don't even.

19. Have you ever had a perfect day? What made it perfect?

I feel like I have had so many perfect days. Collective Thanksgiving in DC and Collective Christmas in Chicago were perfect days. And what made them perfect was Collective.

20. What is your favorite awful movie?

Oh, easy. Amanda Byne's What a Girl Wants. I'll bet I've watched that movie 150 times.

8 comments:

Jennie said...

Yes! Modern Family, most definitely. That show makes my soul happy, I swear.

Also! I was hoping you'd say Aiden Shaw. Hee. Also also, I need to go read that dude's HP blog STAT.

kat said...

what a girl wants RULES.

Heather Anne said...

Oh, I love you guys.

You can call me, 'Sir' said...

'Community was surprisingly hilarious, too', said the guy who relies on Hulu way too much.

Also, 'bollocky wankshite'? That's very British Midshipman in a Portsmouth Pub of you. It's great how the English can even make cursing sound refined.

Ms Elanious said...

"Warm chocolate chip cookies forever."

So. Very. Yes.

linster said...

Part of what makes Heather such a great writer is that she doesn't know how great she is. I love that.

Also: Jennie, you are marrying someone who said Hogwarts isn't real? I think that may be Evil Joe. Make sure before the wedding. I don't even know you two and I'm all worried.

Ashley said...

And why have you not shared this HP blog before? By the way, I miss your old blog, too :(

Kelly said...

I love you so very awesomely hard.