Heaven is whenever.

Listen, I know that we are living in a material world, but I am just not a material girl. Stuff doesn't make me happy. It took months to convince me to have a non-wedding, and it's taken months to convince me to register for non-wedding presents, and now that I've agreed to both I feel queasy and more than a little mortified. Except.

"Oh my God. You listen to your iPod more than anyone I know. How are you going to live?" This, from a co-worker, the day after my BFF passed away. And it's true; I barely survived. Way back during the Worst. Year. Ever. my iPod was the only thing that got me through the day, head in my hands, earbuds firmly in place, Boxer on repeat to drown out the rest of the world. Twenty-ten has been in many ways oddly reminiscent of that year, and I'm not quite sure what I'd do without High Violet on repeat to drown out the outside world.

When my BFF passed away I got a lot of advice from a lot of people, most of which boiled down to ditching the iPod in favor of a smart phone. But the thing my iPod has that a smart phone does not is space. And I'm a girl in desperate need of space. This summer has turned oppressive, the humidity suffocating and thick, the heat bullying. Sometimes I want to listen to Vampire Weekend and imagine cool ocean breezes. Sometimes I want to crank up Rage Against the Machine and rage against the weather. Sometimes I just want the Backstreet Boys to tell me everything will be all right. Because I need to believe that it will be.

The first thing I think upon waking in the morning is I can't wait for this day to be over. It's part reflex, but it's partly true, too. There's nothing out there for me right now so I don't mind this wasted, shaded daylight. I'm passing my time pining for sunset.

And these are the songs that get me to the night.