Spring break, WHOO!

So, recently, scientists discovered the cure for the hangover. FINALLY. Curing hangovers is way more important than curing, I don't know, cancer or whatever. Anyway, it turns out the cure for the hangover is...coffee and aspirin. That's it? Really? I guess I'm a scientist because I've been using both of those remedies for YEARS now. And so has everyone else. In the world. Way to go, science! Even dinosaurs drank coffee to get rid of their hangovers. Not a lot of people know that, but it's true..

I feel like I have a lot of experience in this area. This area being, of course, getting too drunk and waking up feeling like ass. You will now benefit from my mistakes, though, because not only can I tell you what to do to cure your hangover, I can tell you what NOT to do. Obviously, the easiest way to cure a hangover is to, you know, NOT drink. But for me to recommend that would be both hypocritical and ill-advised (given the group I'm addressing), so obviously I'm not condoning sobriety. So if you must drink, please abide by the following:

1. Drink water (duh) and take some painkillers (double duh)

Drink water before you pass out but wait to take the painkillers until you wake up. I don't remember why but I read somewhere that you shouldn't take the drugs until you're not drunk anymore. That's actually the opposite of what I usually do (which is chug a glass of water with an ibuprofen chaser before I tumble into bed) so whatever, I'm sure both ways are fine.

2. Eat greasy food/drink some caffeine

My go to greasy-food-hangover-cure is Wendy's. It has been since college, although I'm not sure how or why that originated. I DO know that we had a little chant we would do when we wanted to go to Wendy's and that was: ch-ch-ch-ch-ch WENDY'S and then we'd make a "W" with our hands. Yeah. I don't know why either. Anyway, if I get a single with cheese (and onion, lettuce, ketchup, and mayo), LOTS of fries, and a giant Coke, I'm good to go. Your mileage may vary.

My second favorite greasy food cure is BREAKFAST, namely: scrambled eggs, bacon, toast/english muffin, and coffee. Lots of coffee. And more water.

The caffeine is just as important as the food. Science said so, remember?

3. Sleep

The older I get, the harder it is for me to sleep past, like, 9, which is gross and wrong. It's even worse if I drank a lot the night before, which is even grosser and wronger. The worse the hangover, the more you need sleep, but I have a really hard time sleeping if I'm hungover. It could be the headache. It could be the angry tummy. Or it could be because it's taking all of my energy to hold onto the bed because WHY IS IT SPINNING AROUND THE ROOM? In any case, I find if I get up, drink some water, maybe take some more painkillers, and brush my teeth, I can go back to sleep for a couple of hours and usually, USUALLY, I feel at least a teensy bit better than I did the first time I woke up.

So get some sleep.

4. But not on the floor

This is so, so obvious, but when you pass out drunk on the floor, you're more than likely going to wake up sober on the floor and that's just never a good idea. I am far past the age where crashing on a friend's floor (sans air mattress, maybe) is OK, so luckily I haven't done this (on purpose) in a long time. Sleep is so precious when you're hungover so why would you ruin it by trying to sleep on the floor? Sleep on a couch if you can't sleep in a bed. Or crawl into any bed you can find. Anywhere but the floor.

Note: I slept part of the night on the floor after my bachelorette party, but I felt so bad the next day that it wouldn't have mattered if I'd slept on a bed made of clouds, surrounded by puppies.

5. Don't drive home from Chicago on less than four hours of (drunk) sleep

I have done this so many times and every time I hate hate HATE myself because what's stupider than staying up (drinking) until 6 in the morning and only sleeping for a few hours? Doing that and then driving from Chicago to Ohio, getting home at 10 because you have to stop every hour to pee/get water or caffeine/get greasy food/retch, and working the next day.

The only thing that makes this better is if someone is with you. Heidi and I have made this drive together multiple times and even though we somehow got lost once in Indianapolis without ever even getting off the highway (point: hangovers make you really, really stupid), it's still preferable to making the hungover drive all by yourself.

6. Don't move

When I'm hungover, like head-spinning-hungover, I have to stay perfectly still for a certain amount of time (this varies) or my head will fall off. So I lay on my back with my eyes closed, hands clasped on my stomach or arms thrown over my face (the light is so bright, you guys) until my head stops floating around the room and finds its way back to the top of my neck where it belongs.

7. Drink more booze

"Hair of the dog" is a thing for a reason. I think Bloody Marys taste like evil but I'm a big fan of mimosas. If I'm being honest, though, I hardly ever use this remedy to combat my hangovers because I'm always afraid my liver will fall out.

8. Vow to never drink again

Do this, don't do this, it doesn't really matter. You might vow to lay off the booze forever if your hangover is bad enough, and you might even mean it, but it won't last. And when you head back to alcohol's sweet embrace and it bitchslaps you into Hangovertown, just go back to #1 up there and start at the very beginning. It's a very good place to start. Julie Andrews doesn't lie, you know, even about hangovers. I wouldn't recommend eating a spoonful of sugar to get rid of one, but if you try it, let me know if it works, OK?

We! Stole! Our! Cheer! From! The! Jets!

Bonsoir, canards! Tonight I will be live blogging a hockey game, specifically the hockey game in which the Washington Capitals play the Philadelphia Flyers in the City of Brotherly Love, a nickname that is so laughable on a whole host of planes, many of which I am sure we will discuss throughout the course of the evening. (Programming note: I know I’ve been referencing "tonight" and the "evening" and unless something (not at all, really) horrible goes wrong you are likely reading this in the morning. So let me just clarify that I am writing this on Tuesday, January 18 at, oh, 6:45 p.m.)

Where was I? Oh, yeah, live blogging. Now, I’ve never live blogged anything before so in preparation I’ve had a beer (Anchor Steam) and half a box of Wheat Thins so I think I’m ready? Sure. LET’S DO THIS THING.

Time: 6:47
Drink: Red, red wine
I’d like to say I’m now drinking red wine so as to more completely ROCK THE RED (see what I did there? No, you probably don’t.) but really it’s just because I’m out of Anchor Steams and I didn’t realize we only have six Miller Lites in the fridge and the Habs play the Sabres at 7:30 so I gots to save those for my boyfriend. Because I am on very rare occasions a thoughtful girlfriend.

Right now Smokin’ Al and Alan May are talking about faceoffs, at which the Caps RULE. And that brings us to Hockey 101 Lesson 1: The Faceoff. A faceoff starts the game play. Usually the respective centers for each team take the faceoff. There are a lot of circles around the rink and one of the officials points to one of those circles based upon a variety of factors. All on the up and up, I assure you. ANYWAY. The centers then skate over to that particular circle and stand face-to-face, waiting for the official to drop the puck. At which point the two centers try to get control of the puck first. Hence, the “face off.” Oh, and the player for the away team has to put his stick on the ice first. Or something. It's been a long day and I'm trying to type real fast.

Dudes, that took a really long time. Imma just gonna link to Wackopedia from now on.

Time: 7:01
Oh, Joe B. He starts every game with the punniest intro IN THE WORLD. I hate puns. I wonder if he writes them himself.

Time: 7:03
Hey look, they interviewed Brooksie! Dude is fucking hot. Kinda wish he’d grow his hair back out (in Canada they say “oot”), though.

Time: 7:08
Drink: More red, red wine.
The theme from Rocky, how original, Philly. You might as well set up a xenophobic cheesesteak factory and then promote it all over the various food television networks. Oh wait, you already did.

And while I was typing, the puck was dropped!

You know what’s a funny name for a defensive maneuver? Poke check. That's a real thing, I swear.

Time: 7:10
Shit. Jeff Carter just scored on a wrap-around. Good thing the Caps like it from behind. Heh. (This may or may not stop being dirty in the third period. Did I mention that hockey is divided into three periods? Well welcome to Hockey 101 Lesson 1(a): The Period.

Time: 7:12
Fight! Fight! Fight! D.J. King hasn’t been in our lineup for about a billion years, and best I can tell it’s because he has no actual hockey skills other than fighting. No one really won that one, but if I remember I’ll try and find the video on hockeyfights.com for your viewing pleasure.

[I did! You guys, this site fucking rules. I'm for 100% serious on this.



fin.]

Locker is now proclaiming his love for Smokin' Al. Hotness.

Time: 7:18
My boyfriend just came home from work. I am hearing "blah blah blah, she's so cute I love her, blah blah blah." I'm assuming it's nothing I have to worry about.

Commercial break.

Time: 7:20
Game back on, boyfriend saying something about "nuts on my face." No idea what he's talking about. (In Canada they say "aboot".) Sure wish my team would stop running into each other. (Today it's Stecks into Beags, and hopefully doesn't result in a horrible, disfiguring injury. (Not the face! NOT THE FACE!) Also, my boyfriend is STILL talking! I thought chicks were the ones with all the words!

Time: 7:24
Awesome save by Neuvy, key member of my fantasy hockey team. I won the league last year ($450 HOLLA!) and have first place this year handily... in hand. Also I met Neuvy last fall. He's a cute kid, which I probably only think because he laughed at my jokes. Yes, I am a joke whore. SHOCKER.

Time: 7:30
COME ON THERE'S AN OPEN NET!

Eff.

So, Winston is sitting here meowing in my face, and you want to know why? Because my boyfriend is in the bathroom pooping. I have no idea why he does it (Winston/meow, not boyfriend/poop, though I do wonder how it's possible for someone to poop so much and still remain living, but that is a discussion for another time), but every night my boyfriend goes to the bathroom to poop and Winston sits there and meows. It... makes life interesting? I don't know. I guess this is why other people procreate.

Oh hey, it's our first penalty kill of the night! /groan

Time: 7:34
Stecks with a pretty obvious hook. Jerk. (I've met him too! Once at a Caps event, where he didn't laugh at any of my jokes, and once at a concert. Though, in my defence, it is impossible to be coherent in his presence, if for no other reason than his wife is fucking H-O-T.) And at least we're pretty good at it. The PK, I mean. Which brings us to Hockey 101 Lesson 2! There is no icing for the team on the PK. And in this case icing does not = frosting, but I can't tell you what icing is until there is one in the game. Sorry, that's the rules of live blogging.

EFF THIS BULLSHIT. Fucking Ovi got fucking high-sticked in the GODDAMN FACE and the refs didn't call it. I swear, the other team could grab a folding chair and bash him over the head and the refs wouldn't call it. Also, there's some bullshit about not letting us change lines (Hey, icing!) which I'm not going to bore you with, just know that it was TOTAL BULLSHIT.

Oh yeah, we successfully killed that penalty.

Time: 7:42
Thus ends the first period. I'm not going to say we played badly, but I will say we didn't play very urgently. Imma gonna finish my wine and maybe make my dinner while my boyfriend commandeers the good teeeee veeeeee.

Time: 8:01
Drink: Yet more red, red wine
In a move that is going to kill my fantasy numbers, Neuvy has been replaced by Varly. They are presuming it's because of a g-g-g-groin injury. A g-g-g-groin injury. (Do you know what that's from? If so, you could replace me as my boyfriend's primary meal provider! Lucky you!) Speaking of my boyfriend, I missed the beginning of the period because he was hogging the teeeeeee veeeeeeeeeeee.

Bullshit Flyers got away with a Too Many Men On The Ice non-call. Which pretty much equates to SANCTIONED CHEATING. Also, the Flyers have a DUDE on their team named Jody. I'm just saying.

Time: 8:04
Guys, I cooked some chicken to go on my salad that smells AWESOME. I'm just saying.

Joe B. just said, "Poked in the high slot." Heh.

Also, can't type. Watching game.

Also also, GET THE FUCK IN THE NET.

Time: 9:10
So the Caps just scored two goals in about five seconds and the game's all tied up now and I'm trying to tell my boyfriend all about it and he's all, "Blah blah blah, bitch, why you talking?" and then I'm all like, "WELCOME TO MY WORLD."

To be fair, he's trying to watch his game on the tiny teeeeee veeeeee.

But still.

Also, I ate an ice cream sammich and it was good.

Time: 11:56
Drink: Vodka soda
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Obviously I stopped live blogging the Caps game. But before I did I hopped on the Collective Hotline to proffer my excuse, which was all of "Hockey live blog is a no go. I'm too full of angry and jalapenos." Which was true. So why am I still typing? I HAVE NO IDEA. Because the Caps game went into OT (overtime) and we lost but then the Sabres went into OT (remember them?) and they won. And dudes, I freaking LOVE me some Ryan Miller. Also, I feel like I need to apologize for what will forever be known as The Most Boring Collective Post EVA.

Here's some pictures:

Fancy Drinks: How to Mix Them

Normally I like to put on a real good show for booze weekend on account of I love booze and I loooove sending emails and writing blog posts while drinking. But this week has me drinking to cope, not to enjoy it. I recently started taking accounting at business school and it is kicking. my. ass. Just: WHAT THE HELL? What, might I ask, is wrong with money in, money out? Simple, straightforward, ACCURATE. But nooooo. Accounting has to go and get all liabilities and equity and fucking assets. Plus, I'm moving across town. Plus, my job is just as busy as ever. So: no time for leisure drinking.

You know when they did have the time for leisure drinking?

1935.



My mom found this gem in our very old farm house. As the cover predicts, it is very no nonsense.


(Also featured: my Barney Stinson sheets.)

For the most part, things are pretty straightforward. Gin is still gin, whiskey is still whiskey. But Fancy Drinks diverges into unknown territory with regular requests for "fine ice." What is fine ice? Finely chopped ice? Ice made by an ice maker? (Oh, wait.) What isn't fine ice? Ice from the stable chipped by a pick?

Drinks are also often measured in wine glass servings. Such as:

EGG NOGG (Plain)
1 tablespoon Sugar
1 fresh Egg
1/2 glass fine Ice
1 wine-glass Whiskey
Fill up with Milk
Shake thoroughly in an "egg nogg" shaker, and strain. Grate a little nutmeg on top and serve.

Anyone unclear on how much whiskey to use and how much milk? And anyone grossed out by the ingredients of egg nog that I try to forget?



Once I'm all settled in the new place, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to work my way through this thing Julie and Julia style. Abigail & Fancy Drinks: A Drinking Live Blog. Or maybe for Tumblr: Fuck Yeah Fancy Drinks.

Sorry, I dropped it when I was pretending it was my penis. ROBOT PENIS.

Last week I was a business woman in town on business in New York (concrete jungle where dreams are made of). (Seriously, Jay-Z, what the fuck does that even mean?) It was the kind of business woman in town on business business that is life-changing no matter which angle you approach it from, ‘cause I must decide, I must decide, even though I made them up I must decide. (Sometimes you sit down to write a post and it's just Friends, Friends, Friends.) What I mean is mama’s got some decisions to make about her future.



SO. When I was not a business woman in town on business, I was a blinkered woman in town on booze. There was a helluva a lot of delicious Belgian beer. There was some Speakeasy Prohibition Ale.



It was not good.

Then there was a can of British Lilt from a British diner called Tea and Sympathy.



The can followed us around the city. It made its way into some gin.



It insisted on posing for a photo with my watch at some random diner at 5 a.m.



And then it got into my pocket and we rode on home.



Fun, right? The business part of my trip was pretty successful too. Only, I had to give myself a full-blown Retreat To Move Forward pep-talk every time I put on a suit and left my hotel room. Sadly it wasn’t the Jack Donaghey variety (“It's winning time, you magnificent son of a bitch!”); I’m Liz Lemon-ier than even Liz Lemon (“Stop sweating, you idiot! What is wrong with you, you stupid bitch?”).

Phone it in Friday: Linkapalooza

Happy Friday! Tell us what blogs we should be reading...my unread Greader items are under 100 and that's unacceptable.

I am an orange dinosaur

I went through my Google Reader shares to find a blog or blogs you should all be reading, and noticed that most of the items I share are from webcomics. And so. Here are my favorite webcomic sites AND (BONUS!) links to some of my favorite individual comics. You probably read all of these already but maybe you don't, and if you don't, well...you should. So there.

Dinosaur Comics, obviously

Cowbirds in Love (thank you to srah for this one)

A Softer World

pictures for sad children

Hark a Vagrant

Stuff No One Told Me

The Oatmeal

Married to the Sea

AND

Calvin & Hobbes, always and forever

PS: If you're not reading Hyperbole and a Half (actually, you all are probably reading it so disregard what I'm about to say),there can only be one reason and that one reason is apparently you don't like laughter WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? This is one of my favorites.

affordable solutions for better living

Nothing fills me with self-loathing like my Google Reader. I don't have a handle on it. I can't keep up with it. No matter how many times I "read all" or purge the goddamn thing, it always always always runs amok. But one blog that never gets the CTRL+A treatment from me is Catalog Living. Partly because each post is only one photo and a caption. And also partly because it's almost better to fall behind in your reading. Scarfing down a buffet of posts in one sitting just adds to the hilarity.

Catalog Living chronicles the fictional decorating adventures of fictional couple Gary and Elaine (and their many, many, many children).















Hahaha! Shopping necklace! Can you even imagine?

Young House Lust

I lost a good chuck of my weekend in the archives of Young House Love, a blog that chronicles a my-age couple DIY renovating their home. I couldn't turn away from their endless remodel posts where they converted an old, out-dated, dark ranch house into a light airy I-want-to-go-to-there homestead.

Check it:





There are two things that set this blog apart from other home improvement/design/DIY blogs. 1) The stuff they do is stuff I could do. It's not like they're professional contractors or anything. They're learning as they go and they're making quick easy changes for huge impact. For example, here's there old master bedroom where they took box-y cheap-o IKEA wardrobes and made them look like built ins. Easily.



And the other thing (2) is the writing. They both worked in advertising before becoming full time bloggers and it shows. I'm a snob when it comes to writing on the internet and don't read many awesome blogs because the writing is just a little too stumbly or there are too many guest posts by non-writers or whatever. This is especially a problem in design blogs (just sayin). John and Sherry can scribe their vision and I can't get enough.

They recently moved to a larger house due to their expanding family and, I presume, their addiction to renovation. I'm excited to be reading along now as they do it all over again. It's very motivating and I already find myself purging clutter, thrifting old furniture online, and even dreaming up my own DIY projects. A little ambitious for how I actually roll, but it's fun to think about anyway.

A big shout out to my friend Emily who's being reading YHL forever and finally convinced me to check them out.

+ Add a subscription (bitches)

And you may tell yourself, “This is not my beautiful house.”
And you may tell yourself, “This in not my beautiful wife.”
And you may tell yourself, “This is not Heather Anne Hogan.”

And you would be right; I am not Heather Anne Hogan. I could never be Heather Anne Hogan, because the very first thing I would need to be in order to be Heather Anne Hogan is FOOKIN’ AWESOME, which I am not. But today is Monday, Heather Anne Hogan Day, and since Heather Anne Hogan is stuck in the middle of a blizzard without electricity (and therefore internet access), I will do my darndest to kick off the week here at The Collective. And I am told the week is all about “blogs you should be reading.”

Well, crap. I was under the impression that Twitter and Facebook and Tumblr had joined forces to finally kill the blog.

I kid. Sort of. You see, thanks to the magic that is Google Reader, we’re all pretty much reading the same blogs anyway, and the ones that I’m reading that you probably aren’t reading are all written by my college friends chronicling the adventures of their toddlers, and while I find them endlessly entertaining, I’m fairly certain you couldn’t give a dick.

HOWEVER, we live in an enchanted age of magic and wonder, where blog space is seemingly unlimited, and thank Santa for that BECAUSE my newest Greader addition has been a source of unending laughter and joy. And even though you’re all already probably reading it, just in cases you missed it somehow I think it’s very important to share with you the following link:

Joe and Jennie in the Morning!

Seriously guys, I know you probably think I’m just posting this to plug a fellow Canard and Canard-in-law, but I’m not. I’m posting this because it is seriously, seriously funny shit. And (one of) the very best things about how Joe and Jennie are writing their recaps (besides the hilarity, natch) is that you don’t even have to watch the episodes to follow along. Each blog post is a (riotous) universe in and of itself! I mean, any blog that can seamlessly work the phrase HAHAHA GRAVEROBBING IS HILARIOUS into its narrative is worth a spot in your reading rotation, amirite?

(The answer to this is: Yes.)

So. To repeat for you slow pokes. Joe and Jennie in the Morning! Go there. Read. Laugh. Lather rinse and repeat. Always repeat.

Bonsoir! (Err... bonjour. Whatevs.)

Phone It In Friday: Laminate That Sucker!

Thank grapefruit it's Friday, amirite? If you're lucky, you're sitting on your couch right now in footie pajamas, sipping hot cocoa with extra marshmallows. If you're not lucky, you're stuck in the office, eyes bleeding from the artificial glow of the overhead fluorescent lights. EITHER WAY, we've got to get ourselves organized!

So. Tell us who's hot enough to garner one of those coveted five spots on your freebies list. Jennifer Garner perhaps? Michael Vartan? Jennifer Garner but only in a threesome with Michael Vartan?

What are you waiting for? ENQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!

She's never seen Star Wars? Ted, the only people in the universe who have never seen Star Wars are the characters in Star Wars and that's cause they lived them, Ted, that's cause they lived the Star Wars.

I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADD, so my answer to this question really depends on what movies/TV shows I've watched/thought about recently. Remember on ER, how Lucy had ADD? And Carter was all, "why are you taking Ritalin, aren't you like old?" and Lucy was like, "eff you, GUY, you're going to get addicted to painkillers soon." Because he did. He got addicted to painkillers because David Krumholtz went nuts and stabbed him and also Lucy and he pretty much watched Lucy die right in front of him, because everyone else was down the hall having a Valentine's Day party. Why do I remember all of this? I don't know. So Carter survives but gets addicted to painkillers, sort of like Rush Limbaugh except skinnier and slightly less annoying. Then he dated Abby, who traded Kovac for Carter (um, OK, crazy, were you drunk?) and Carter totally judged her all the time for being an alcoholic but HELLO CARTER you were addicted to drugs, jerk. Then he decided to move to Africa because of all of his white liberal rich person guilt and dumped Abby in a letter. I think she was better off but I don't remember because I stopped watching after Romano got crushed by a helicopter, maybe the same helicopter that chopped off his arm. Stupid show. Anyway...thus explaineth this list:

Jason Segel



Because Marshall reminds me of Joe (which I realize is a completely pointless use of one of my freebies but WHATEVER). And! Because he's hilarious. Because he's tall. And because he knows how important Muppets are.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt



But only if he's wearing Inceptionish wardrobe.

Nathan Fillion  (aka Captain Tightpants)



But only if he's wearing his Firefly wardrobe.

The Doctor



Tennant, Eccleston, Smith (in that order)...I don't care. Yes, I do. Tennant. In his Doctor wardrobe.

Robert Downey, Jr



I don't care what he's wearing as long as it's nothing. BOOM! NAILED IT.

If I believed in fairy tales I wouldn't have dropped out of kindergarten.

Like Abigail I’m fickle and lazy so this exercise is largely useless, and yet, paradoxically, my last list could easily pass for my list today. But that is not what this is about.

This is about ogling hotties from afar and if there’s one thing I can do it’s ogle hotties from afar. So let’s do it to it already.

Lee Pace



I’m tempted to leave this without commentary because you see that picture up there? As we say in the legal profession, CASE CLOSED. (This is a lie, incidentally. I have never once in my seven years of professional lawyering ever once uttered the phrase case closed in the course of business. THE MORE YOU KNOW, etc.) But since I’ve already started typing I may as well type some more, at least to say that Lee Pace was and forever will be The Piemaker, and The Piemaker was and forever will be my Gilbert Blythe. (Speaking of Gilbert Blythe, Anne of Green Gables was on PBS recently and of course I watched it and of course I got all swoony when Gil gave up the Avonlea school for Anne because he luuuuuuurves her, so Jonathan Crombie gets a shout out in this top spot for old time’s sake.)

Also Lee Pace is very tall. SWOON.

Rupert Penry Jones



Occasional Jane Austen enigma. Charming British name. Disgustingly beautiful. Like, seriously disgusting. I can’t decide if I want to make out with him or punch him in the face.

Matthew Goode



Sure, why not.

Britt Daniel



Well, duh.

Matt Berniger



While we’re at it.

Guilty Pleasure

Brooks Laich's arms at about the 47-second mark. Oh, the hotness.

You were my new dream

The last time I worked on my list was three! years ago which is horrible. I mean, I hadn't seen Chuck yet and met the love of my life and also KATHERINE EFFIN HEIGL is on that list. These days I can barely go ten minutes without cursing the day she was born, so yeah, things have changed.

However, that list took me days to think about, to mull over, to narrow down. And I couldn't even laminate it because only nine months later I was offering myself up to David Cook instead of John Mayer. I repented a long time ago, before I'd even watched this new little obsession. (Can some turn those last several seconds into a gif for me? Thanks.)

The point is that I shouldn't bother with a new list because I'm fickle and I'm lazy. Besides, if it guaranteed anything, I would stick with a list of one.




But you already knew that.

You do realize she's a cartoon — and way out of your league?

When I was working on the Collective schedule for January, I had this idea that we should write something philosophical our first week back, about our goals and dreams and wishes and failures and Boggarts and Patronuses (Patroni?) and whatever else. The Mirror of Erised. Desire. I think probably it was because I was going on Day 8 of this rambling pep talk I'd been giving myself about how I wasn't going to fall off the edge of the world into the pit of failure in 2011, and so I was feeling profound. (Also I was feeling Bridget Jones levels of neurotic.) But then I was like, "You know what? No. Let's talk about sex."

A long, long time ago we wrote about our lists of five. You know, our lists of five. The five people we want on our free pass shag ticket. But it's time to revisit that because I don't even think I'd watched Chuck when we made our lists last time. (GAME-CHANGER!)

I'm going with girls and boys. Fictional ones because I don't care so much about celebrities. (I blame Twitter for my disillusion with famous people. I don't care how gorgeous/talented you are; if you can't punctuate, STOP TALKING TO ME.)

GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS!

1) Sarah Walker, Chuck


2) Gwen Cooper, Torchwood


3) Amy Pond, Doctor Who


4) Helen Stewart, Bad Girls


5) Nymphadora Tonks, Harry Potter

[Kat + Lupin // Me + Tonks]


BOYS! BOYS! BOYS!

Matt Bomer as 1) Bryce Larkin, Chuck and 2) Neal Caffrey, White Collar


3) The Doctor as played by David Tennant, Doctor Who


4) The Doctor as played by Matt Smith, Doctor Who

[There is just something about a Time Lord.]

5) Colin Firth, All The Things (Not fictional. Don't care. Yum, yum, yum forever.)