Phone It In Friday: Take One Down, Pass It Around.

It's Friday, Internets, and you know what that means: it's five o'clock somewhere. So grab a mimosa, bloody Mary, or Spanish coffee and tell us why you think alcohol is SO BEST.

The deal is, this is my last hurrah, cause I made a New Year’s resolution that I’m not going to drink anymore. During the week.

I keep everything. EVERYTHING. Which is why, when I got this week's assignment (I say assignment, because I am worthless and just wait for someone else to tell me what to write here), I knew what I had to do. I had to go through my box of college crap and find the drunk emails I printed after that night my friend Amy and I polished off all the alcohol on campus. And while I was looking for those, I found a bunch of quotes. For, you see, when my friends and I drank in college, if a pen and paper were nearby, we wrote down everything funny ("funny") that we said. If it hadn't been for the Great Basement Sewage Flood (true story) senior year, I'd still have the giant Quote Boards that hung on the walls of our house. There was some good stuff written on there, but by far the best was this: "Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Love, Bill Clinton," written in 72 point font (you know, drunken handwriting font) across the bottom of the paper.

In any case, I bring you excerpts from my drunken exploits:

From drinking on a Sunday: "We are drunk on the Lord's Day."

In regard to Incubus: "I will ink their bus,"

Email 5/3/01 - 12:47 AM

I'm not really that drunk, I just had lots of Mountain Dew and Corono, and USA (mountain dew) and Mexico (Corono) do not mix goodly. It's true. Ask Julio Iglesias. This was my bestest email every. I can tell right now.

Email 5/3/01 - 12:50 AM

I just wanted to tell you that I"m not drunk cause I can still catch 1 out of three pieces of popcorn in my mouth when thrown all haphazardly into the oxygenated airs above said mouth. Goodbye. And thank you. And goodbye. And have fun at CLAAAAAss, while I'm watching a MOOOOOvie in the THeeeater.

Burp

5/3/01 - 1:44 AM

He lost his nuts

Knock the cocks off.

Email dated 5/3/01 - 3:13 AM

this is fucking amyu and jennie and we're are fucking drunk cause we derank a fucking bottel fo fvoadaka and amy fell in teh crevise and we're gonna g seeb ridget joneswe and mr darcry (the harthrap) cause he' is hit of my pants . . . goodbye i9iiiiiiasn good ye 9iiiiiiian gooooooodye iaaannnnnn we're gooin g to see you sooon sung o the tun of "goodnight ladiesy's"

Goood. yeee. I.. annnn. Amu jjust burnped and dranekd all her h2o Jennnie and amyyyy

Email: 5/3/01 - 3:18 AM

me and amy are the fritos badnditos and wer are drunk and we drank all the vodlakas and you missed it. Anyway.

love Jennie I'll explain later thanks for conan the o'brian. he's funny.

I still send drunk emails every now and then, but only when Abigail asks:

I am emailing you. See? This is me. Emailing you. I am not drunk but I think I'm on the cups. Wow, I mean cusp. Maybe I'm closer to the cusp than I thought. Anyway, my point is, a couple of weeks ago, my mom gave me this leftover box of wine from this family function thingie and I have made it my life's goal to finish it tonight. There can't be that much left, because I have to like . . . tip it forward for the wine to come out. If all of my life's goals were this easily accomplished, then I'd be a best-selling author living in an Italian villa with John Krasinski. Drinking wine. But not out of a box. Also, I'd have either a pet duck or a pet penguin.

Or I send emails I don't remember the next day:

Subject: you

are an idiot

the end.


But to be honest, I'm much more likely to send drunken text messages. Luckily, I don't have any of these saved. Thank god.

Once I sent an email to someone with the message, "it's not a mineshaft, it's a wishing well," and attached a picture of Stuart. In a wishing well.

Also, a couple months ago, I wrote a How To article after several (or so) drinks. It was about collecting cowboy hats. I made a lot of Brokeback Mountain jokes. I'm not proud*

And last, but not least, The Philadelphia Chronicles:

The Douchebag Letters

Fun with MASH

I don't even know

I'm not ashamed. But I probably should be.

*liar

I'm feeling supersonic, give me gin and tonic.

On Saturday night I played an epic game of flip cup with FOUR GENERATIONS of my boyfriend's family.

I frickin' LOVE alcohol.

Tips for avoiding a hangover

Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. It doesn't count if it's not water, and you better start early. Get in your eight glasses before you even start drinking. Then, when you start to feel like maybe you can't cross a room without assistance, pause your drinking to hydrate again. I've found that making yourself drink another glass of water before drinking anything else prolongs the buzz and prevents the hangover. Really.

Don't pass out.Try to keep yourself awake as long as possible. This is challenging sometimes, but the pay off is worth it. The less inebriated you are when you go to bed, the less inebriated you'll be when you wake up. And the less your body will punish you.

When do you pass out take ibuprofen and drink another glass of water. If I know I'm going to get drunk, I like to be prepared and put a water bottle and a small bottle of vitamin I in my purse. Then, when I feel myself slipping into sleep, I find my bag, take my drugs, and find a nice corner to sleep it off.

When you wake up to pee take more ibuprofen and drink more water.

Or: drink during the day. This really limits the chances of passing out. In fact, you can even get wasted, take a short nap, and be showered and changed before five o'clock. Now THAT is efficiency.

When you groggily wake up because the daylight IS TOO BRIGHT drink some water, take some ibuprofen, and get your car keys back so you can

Buy greasy hangover food.

That said: I broke ALL of these rules at TCQ. I didn't drink enough water throughout the night; instead, I drank jack&coke (to chase the tequila shots). I crawled into bed, did a little bit of drunk texting, and passed out, fully dressed. I did manage to find some ibuprofen in the middle of the night, but it was too late. The next morning was AWFUL. I couldn't move, until I finally found myself steering the porcelin motor boat. It wasn't until I bread in me that I could even put back together the pieces of a detour in the hotel lobby the night before regarding three smarmy British men. Then Jennie and I had to get ourselves to the airport and onto airplanes which was.. excruciating. Going through security doesn't usually bother me, but OHMIGOD standing in a line for twenty minutes when I couldn't even stand up straight? The worst. Eventually, I made it to my gate where there was lots of open space and free internet so I literally camped out under my jacket and relaxed. Then I ate some more bread. Oh yeah.

Never stop eating bread.

That must be our alcohol and beers.

I don't really drink a lot, which is just as well because I have a pretty obsessive personality and am already unable to separate reality from fantasy. (See: television couples, Harry Potter.) When I do drink, however, I always have The Collective there to cheer me on. Well, Kat! and Jennie! mostly cheer me on. Abigail! just texts asking me to send her an email. For some reason she loves getting incoherent emails from her friends. Seriously, any time any of us drinks too much and informs the rest of us via text, Abigail! texts right back saying, "Write me some emails!" I'll be she has a pretty stellar collection.

The last 5 times that I have been inebriated I have engaged in the following activities:

1) Folding origami cranes — or, rather letting Abigail! fold my cranes because my fingers weren't working properly.

2) Trolling the Internet for L Word spoilers and correcting grammar in the forums.

3) Writing poetry.
To wit:
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
A shoe
A shoe
A shoe
Gross

4) Writing more poetry.
To wit:
Fame, I'm gonna live forever
Actually, that's kind of lame
Fame!
Dancing won't get you to heaven
I know because I saw it on Footloose
Fame!

5) Playing Super Mario World and madly texting Abigail! to say things like: "Effing Yoshi!"

You should also know that when I drink I become the politest person in the world, more polite even than I am on a normal day, which is saying something. I talk really softly to overcompensate so I don't yell like regular drunks. I apologize profusely for events I didn't even cause. And even when standing alone, I form an orderly queue of one.

Yes, alcohol practically makes me English.

Maybe I should drink more.