The deal is, this is my last hurrah, cause I made a New Year’s resolution that I’m not going to drink anymore. During the week.

I keep everything. EVERYTHING. Which is why, when I got this week's assignment (I say assignment, because I am worthless and just wait for someone else to tell me what to write here), I knew what I had to do. I had to go through my box of college crap and find the drunk emails I printed after that night my friend Amy and I polished off all the alcohol on campus. And while I was looking for those, I found a bunch of quotes. For, you see, when my friends and I drank in college, if a pen and paper were nearby, we wrote down everything funny ("funny") that we said. If it hadn't been for the Great Basement Sewage Flood (true story) senior year, I'd still have the giant Quote Boards that hung on the walls of our house. There was some good stuff written on there, but by far the best was this: "Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Love, Bill Clinton," written in 72 point font (you know, drunken handwriting font) across the bottom of the paper.

In any case, I bring you excerpts from my drunken exploits:

From drinking on a Sunday: "We are drunk on the Lord's Day."

In regard to Incubus: "I will ink their bus,"

Email 5/3/01 - 12:47 AM

I'm not really that drunk, I just had lots of Mountain Dew and Corono, and USA (mountain dew) and Mexico (Corono) do not mix goodly. It's true. Ask Julio Iglesias. This was my bestest email every. I can tell right now.

Email 5/3/01 - 12:50 AM

I just wanted to tell you that I"m not drunk cause I can still catch 1 out of three pieces of popcorn in my mouth when thrown all haphazardly into the oxygenated airs above said mouth. Goodbye. And thank you. And goodbye. And have fun at CLAAAAAss, while I'm watching a MOOOOOvie in the THeeeater.

Burp

5/3/01 - 1:44 AM

He lost his nuts

Knock the cocks off.

Email dated 5/3/01 - 3:13 AM

this is fucking amyu and jennie and we're are fucking drunk cause we derank a fucking bottel fo fvoadaka and amy fell in teh crevise and we're gonna g seeb ridget joneswe and mr darcry (the harthrap) cause he' is hit of my pants . . . goodbye i9iiiiiiasn good ye 9iiiiiiian gooooooodye iaaannnnnn we're gooin g to see you sooon sung o the tun of "goodnight ladiesy's"

Goood. yeee. I.. annnn. Amu jjust burnped and dranekd all her h2o Jennnie and amyyyy

Email: 5/3/01 - 3:18 AM

me and amy are the fritos badnditos and wer are drunk and we drank all the vodlakas and you missed it. Anyway.

love Jennie I'll explain later thanks for conan the o'brian. he's funny.

I still send drunk emails every now and then, but only when Abigail asks:

I am emailing you. See? This is me. Emailing you. I am not drunk but I think I'm on the cups. Wow, I mean cusp. Maybe I'm closer to the cusp than I thought. Anyway, my point is, a couple of weeks ago, my mom gave me this leftover box of wine from this family function thingie and I have made it my life's goal to finish it tonight. There can't be that much left, because I have to like . . . tip it forward for the wine to come out. If all of my life's goals were this easily accomplished, then I'd be a best-selling author living in an Italian villa with John Krasinski. Drinking wine. But not out of a box. Also, I'd have either a pet duck or a pet penguin.

Or I send emails I don't remember the next day:

Subject: you

are an idiot

the end.


But to be honest, I'm much more likely to send drunken text messages. Luckily, I don't have any of these saved. Thank god.

Once I sent an email to someone with the message, "it's not a mineshaft, it's a wishing well," and attached a picture of Stuart. In a wishing well.

Also, a couple months ago, I wrote a How To article after several (or so) drinks. It was about collecting cowboy hats. I made a lot of Brokeback Mountain jokes. I'm not proud*

And last, but not least, The Philadelphia Chronicles:

The Douchebag Letters

Fun with MASH

I don't even know

I'm not ashamed. But I probably should be.

*liar