In any case, I bring you excerpts from my drunken exploits:
From drinking on a Sunday: "We are drunk on the Lord's Day."
In regard to Incubus: "I will ink their bus,"
Email 5/3/01 - 12:47 AM
I'm not really that drunk, I just had lots of Mountain Dew and Corono, and USA (mountain dew) and Mexico (Corono) do not mix goodly. It's true. Ask Julio Iglesias. This was my bestest email every. I can tell right now.
Email 5/3/01 - 12:50 AM
I just wanted to tell you that I"m not drunk cause I can still catch 1 out of three pieces of popcorn in my mouth when thrown all haphazardly into the oxygenated airs above said mouth. Goodbye. And thank you. And goodbye. And have fun at CLAAAAAss, while I'm watching a MOOOOOvie in the THeeeater.
5/3/01 - 1:44 AM
He lost his nuts
Knock the cocks off.
Email dated 5/3/01 - 3:13 AM
this is fucking amyu and jennie and we're are fucking drunk cause we derank a fucking bottel fo fvoadaka and amy fell in teh crevise and we're gonna g seeb ridget joneswe and mr darcry (the harthrap) cause he' is hit of my pants . . . goodbye i9iiiiiiasn good ye 9iiiiiiian gooooooodye iaaannnnnn we're gooin g to see you sooon sung o the tun of "goodnight ladiesy's"
Goood. yeee. I.. annnn. Amu jjust burnped and dranekd all her h2o Jennnie and amyyyy
Email: 5/3/01 - 3:18 AM
me and amy are the fritos badnditos and wer are drunk and we drank all the vodlakas and you missed it. Anyway.
love Jennie I'll explain later thanks for conan the o'brian. he's funny.
I still send drunk emails every now and then, but only when Abigail asks:
I am emailing you. See? This is me. Emailing you. I am not drunk but I think I'm on the cups. Wow, I mean cusp. Maybe I'm closer to the cusp than I thought. Anyway, my point is, a couple of weeks ago, my mom gave me this leftover box of wine from this family function thingie and I have made it my life's goal to finish it tonight. There can't be that much left, because I have to like . . . tip it forward for the wine to come out. If all of my life's goals were this easily accomplished, then I'd be a best-selling author living in an Italian villa with John Krasinski. Drinking wine. But not out of a box. Also, I'd have either a pet duck or a pet penguin.
Or I send emails I don't remember the next day:
are an idiot
But to be honest, I'm much more likely to send drunken text messages. Luckily, I don't have any of these saved. Thank god.
Once I sent an email to someone with the message, "it's not a mineshaft, it's a wishing well," and attached a picture of Stuart. In a wishing well.
Also, a couple months ago, I wrote a How To article after several (or so) drinks. It was about collecting cowboy hats. I made a lot of Brokeback Mountain jokes. I'm not proud*
And last, but not least, The Philadelphia Chronicles:
The Douchebag Letters
Fun with MASH
I don't even know
I'm not ashamed. But I probably should be.