You know what they say: keep your friends close.

I no longer have an arch-nemesis. I used to, though. Her name was Rush Limbaugh Girl. RLG, for short. She's one of my former co-workers. On my first day at my old job, I was in RLG's office because she was in charge of training me. She had her radio on and I was all, "omg wtf?" because you know what she was listening to? Rush Limbaugh. Rush Fucking Limbaugh.

RLG: Can you concentrate with the radio on?
Me: ...um.
RLG: I can turn it down.
Me: How about off?
RLG: Haha, I just think Rush Limbaugh is so funny.

And then my head exploded. In fact, my head exploded nearly every day because EVERY AFTERNOON, I'd hear his blustery, stupid voice because EVERY AFTERNOON she'd turn her radio up louder and louder and so EVERY AFTERNOON, I had no choice but to wait and sneak into her office and turn down the radio. I had to be careful, though. I had to turn it down enough so I couldn't hear it, but not enough that she'd notice and turn it back up again.

The REASON she had to turn the radio up so loud was because she'd run her space heater constantly. Which is fine, sometimes it got really cold in there. But then, one day, I went over to ask her a question and she had her fan on, too.

Me: Do you have your fan and your heater on?
RLG: Yeah, it's really clammy in here.
Me: ...

I think she was OK with running the fan and the heater at the same time because she didn't believe in global warming. Just didn't believe in it.

Toward the end, she began an obsession with Twilight. And would talk about it a lot, so when I wasn't listening to Rush Limbaugh call liberals "pinko commie baby killers," I was listening to her wax poetic about how hot Edward Whatsisface was in the movie. But, you know, then she got fired and I quit so who says there are no happy endings?

Don't you know that when you stand, you stand up for the both of us?

When I was wee I fought battle with The Cancer, and though I won the battle the war, as I am reminded with every nosebleed and bruise, is far from over. Unless I get hit by a bus on my way home, of course, because then it's pretty much a draw.

This subject is surprisingly well tread here at Collective HQ, from Abigail's missive yesterday to Network Geek's still-awesome guest post. There are also, incidentally, quite a few songs on the matter shuffling around my iPod, from The Verve's "The Drugs Don't Work" to Bloc Party's "Biko," which is pretty strange if you think about it, because I've spent the vast majority of my life trying NOT to think about it.

I guess you could say I'm like the mysteriously disappearing Superman from the horrendous movie Superman Returns (without the gay face, that is), in that I'm not real thrilled with my lot in life, and believe you me if I could fly off into outer space somewhere to avoid my problems you betcha I would. But sadly I can't, and while my Ford Anglia's in the shop I find myself temporarily grounded. So while I'm here, I'll continue fighting The Cancer and making a donation to the American Cancer Society, and I really hope you'll consider doing the same. At the very least, send all the good vibes you can to Susan and Scott and their three gorgeous (and awesomely named, btw) kids.

immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine

There was a lot of procrastinating happening, per the usual, when I went about writing this post. For one, the funny story I want to tell I can't because the internet has ears everywhere, so sadly you won't get to hear the tale of a person who once sent me an email calling me a bossy bitch. For two, I am a bit boring when it comes to nemesises (nemesi?) and tend to vehemently dislike the universe at large rather than pinpoint particular idiotic people. Unless you're sending me immature, caustic, name-calling emails (and regularly trying to trick my friends into kissing you) (really, I shouldn't be talking about this), I'm going to ignore you and pretend you don't exist. After all the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy.

But I'm an angry person, and the injustices of this world regularly rile me up. When rational argument does nothing and I sit there in despair, tears streaming down my face. I'm a fixer. I want to fix the situation. Now. Quickly. As though it never even happened.

But I'm not a doctor, I'm not a scientist, I'm not God. There is nothing I can do to take away this pain.

And there it is, my nemesis. My inability to help you, to change you, to change these circumstances.

My inability to make the cancer go away.

Fucking bullshit cancer.

Scott's wife, Susan, has cancer and I am so, so angry. It's not fair. I can't help them. And to imagine the fear, the suffocating fear they must be strapped with... the world is simply not enough.

All I can do is wait. Wait with them. And I can talk about it, impossibly willing my words to mean something. And I can pray because I'm into that.

And that's it. I'm out. (And I'm still angry.)

So, please, wonderful readers, do whatever it is that you do to help, to change, to wait, to pray.

Thank you, Mario. But our princess is in another castle.

The distinction between hero and superhero lies not in courage or costume, but in a simple question: Do you have an archnemesis? Not a regular ol' enemy; we all have regular ol ' enemies. I'm talking about a person (or creature) who reappears in your life over and over and over with a the single goal of destroying you.

[A philosophical discussion of heroism lies outside the scope of this blog post, but please note that having an archnemesis doesn't necessarily make you a superhero. It might make you a supervillain.]

I understood early in life that I was a hero, but it wasn't until my teenage years that I began to realize that I was a superhero. The best way to explain it is for me to list my enemies by year. I believe you'll begin to see a pattern.

1987, age 9

Casey Johnson's dad — Chooses daughter over me to play shortstop, even though she doesn't have the arm/fielding skill. Blocks vote for me to be on league all-star team. Makes me sit on bench for all basketball season.

Boys — Suddenly less interested in playing kickball, more interested in snapping other girls' bra straps.

Bowser — Super Mario Brothers: Moves princess from castle to castle, throws hammers/blows fire at my head.




1990, age 12

Ms. Duck &mdash Makes me stand at board looking like idiot while she teaches class. Says I'll stay there until I remember how to do algebra problem from day before. Will never remember because was drawing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles day before.

Rulers of the darkness of this world, spiritual wickedness in high places &mdash Transition from children's church to youth group yields new information on Satan and his plans to destroy my life by making me engage in intercourse, alcoholism, swearing.

Bowser — Super Mario Brothers 3 Entire kingdom behind me now, giving me gifts along my journey. Bowser still intent on crushing/drowning/lighting me on fire.




1994, age 14

Everyone who doesn't understand me! &mdash i.e. everyone! Only one who understands possibly Fiona Apple or Jewel.

Casey Johnson &mdash Ha! Not really. Sits on bench at her high school, dad in stands, while I score 24 points against her team.

Bowser &mdash Super Mario World Have to chase him to Dinosaur Land, where he is wreaking more havoc than ever. Aided by Yoshi this time, which makes journey more enjoyable.




1999, age 21

FICA &mdash surviving in Real World much harder than previously expected as FICA, etc. take money will-nilly from weekly paycheck.

Bowser &mdash Super Mario 64 Creepier than ever in 3D, plus harder to battle as N64 controller sucks donkey balls.




2004, age 26

Jerry Falwell &mdash Distorter of truth, spreader or ignorance, hate, lies.

Voldemort &mdash Self-explanatory.

Bowser &mdash Super Mario 64 DS Still same asshole from 64, but smaller and easier to handle with DS keyboard.




2009, age 30

Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh &mdash See: Falwell.

Warner Brothers &mdash Keep dicking around with Half-Blood Prince release date.

Bowser &mdash Mario Kart Wii Impossible to share tunnel/track/desert with. Perscribes to theory of: do not need road manners if ten ton truck. Growls and shoves me into abyss every. single. time. on Wario's Gold Mine. Bastard.




Do you see what I mean? That's how I know I'm a superhero. Also, the cape. (I lied about the costume not mattering.)

no, you girls never know

Good news, everyone! I haven't been to the movies in a while and I don't have time to watch an actual movie this week on account of I'M PACKING BECAUSE OMG I'M MOVING ON SATURDAY so you get to hear me babble about my favorite Lifetime movies. Aren't you lucky? Yes. Yes is being your answer.

The "I Stabbed Tori Spelling" Movie: OK, let's break this down. Kellie Martin is not popular. Tori Spelling is very popular. Kellie Martin REALLY REALLY wants to be a cheerleader so she tries out and makes JV or something. Tori Spelling makes varsity because DID YOU HEAR she is totally popular. Kellie tries to be friends with Tori but Tori is all, "no way," because she's not as nice as Cher Horowitz and doesn't believe in charity cases (that was way harsh, Tori). Kellie is like, "eff, I blew it," but devises a plan to invite Tori to a party that either doesn't exist or neither was invited to but IT DOESN'T MATTER because Tori finds out in the car on the way there, freaks out, calls Kellie names, and storms out of the car. And then Kellie Martin stabs Tori Spelling several times, and it's awesome, especially considering how annoying Tori Spelling has gotten in the past couple of years. Unfortunately, Kellie Martin gets payback for this when she is on ER, and that dude stabs her and Carter and she dies (sorry, spoiler).

The "DJ gets R-ed by Zack Morris" Movie: This movie also has Six from Blossom in it. Basically, DJ gets raped by Zack Morris and no one believes her because Zack Morris is such a nice boy. But no he isn't because he totally date raped DJ Tanner and THAT IS NOT NICE. Also, no one believes her because she'd been drinking and was dressed kind of slutty, and everyone knows that if you've been drinking PLUS ALSO you're dressed like a slut, you're basically just giving consent to every man that sees you.

The "DJ Joins Delta Delta Delta Can I Help Ya Help Ya Help Ya?" Movie: Wait. I think this might actually be the same movie as the one above. Hmm. Does Six die in The "DJ Gets R-ed by Zack Morris" Movie? OH WAIT! IMDB has solved the mystery. This movie doesn't star DJ and Six, it stars Hilary Swank and Six. This movie has everything. EVEN ZACK MORRIS AGAIN. Did you see why I got these movies confused? Geez, Lifetime, find some new actors and stop corrupting my childhood.

The "Zack Morris is a Man-Whore" Movie: I don't remember much about this one, but it's one of my favorites because of one thing -- at one point, Zack and his girlfriend run away and are living on the streets, so they have no money and Zack has to whore himself to rich men. Oh, Zack. Ew, also? The reason Zack and his girlfriend have to run away is because his girlfriend is 14 and Zack is 19 and her parents don't approve, probably because they saw what he did to DJ Tanner.

The "Kevin Arnold Beats DJ" Movie: (Before I get to the review, did you know Fred Savage has directed episodes of My Boys, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Ugly Betty, Boy Meets World, AND HANNAH MONTANA? Oh, Kevin.)

Basically, DJ is a wallflower and Kevin is Mr. Popular (not his real name) and DJ can't believe it when Mr. Popular wants to date her! Yay! Then he gets abusey and nobody likes someone who is abusey, no matter how popular he is. I have no idea how this movie ends or anything, but I had to include it because it turned Kevin Arnold all roidy. What's that about?

The "Pre-Oscar Hilary Swank Goes BATSHIT CRAZY" Movie: You guys, I saved this for last because, and this is not hyperbole, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE. Hokay, so. Hilary is rebellious, like many teens in Lifetime movies, and meets A Boy. This boy is BAD NEWS, like many boys in Lifetime movies, and you can tell he's BAD NEWS because he makes Hilary do dangerous things like . . . climb water towers. DANGER. Oh, btw, her parents are played by Kevin Arnold's dad and the mom from Growing Pains (another Lifetime movie regular). Hilary starts staying out all night and fighting with her parents and so, naturally, her mom hits the bottle. So does her little brother, who I think is like twelve or something. Somehow her mom never notices that her little boy is all hungover every morning but that's probably because she's counting down the minutes until her awful family leaves her alone so she can hit the bottle EVEN HARDER. Things get really bad, what with the rebelling and the drinking and the yelling, and it all comes to a head one night when Hilary tries to leave to go see her Bad Boy Boyfriend. Hilary is yelling at her parents, her parents are yelling at Hilary and all of the sudden Hilary FREAKS OUT, starts making growly animal noises and threatens to totally kill someone if they don't let her out of the house. There is a lot of ACTING CAPITAL A going on because this is before someone told Hilary you can't win Oscars for Lifetime movies. I think she might even throw a phone at someone. Or a knife. I can't remember which. Anyway, the best part is when her little brother stumbles down the stairs with a bottle of booze all, "whaaaa's goin on down herrrrre?" and that's when Mr. Arnold and Joanna Kerns are like, "parenting FAIL," and I don't remember how it all ends but someone probably dies because, I mean, it's Lifetime so someone always dies. THE END.

Also, remember the time Tori Spelling was a call girl? That was awesome.