it's a crazy life, but it's my life

Internets, I have been working a lot. Like... sometimes I come home from work and go to bed and DON'T EVEN CHECK MY EMAIL BEFORE FALLING ASLEEP. Actually, no, that is a lie. That never, ever happens. But I do spend way less time on my computer at home and when I'm at work I'm actually working. So, this is a good time to assess what I really care about on the internet.

After I check my emails, I open google reader. My first category is called The Collective Collective and is a collection (ha ha) or the blogs written and neglected by the writers of this site. Wonder Killer, i hate kit kats, and this site, are all sites I read immediately, as soon as I spot a new post. This google reader category is my most frequented and I wish the most updated. Best blogs ever, am I right?

Then there's mint.com. Mint is everything right with the internet. Mint tracks all my expenses, all my bills, and sends me text messages that say, "stop drinking so much Starbucks, you idiot!" Mint is hooked up to all my accounts including all my credit cards I'm trying to pay off and it helps me track everything as well as keep a budget. In fact, it doesn't just help, it does it ALL. Decision making is mostly easy: I just have to ask Mint.

And... well... that's all I've been living off lately. Eating out, working too much, but still reading the best internet out there (and doing some bad ass online banking). Same stuff you're doing.

When you care enough to hit send

This week we're going to be talking about our favorite thing in the world: the Internets! Even better, we're talking about our favorite places on our favorite thing in the world, which is kind of tricky for all of us here at Collective HQ because we spend half our lives workdays on the Web -- so we have lots of love.

I'm usually really good at favorites, but picking my best places on the Internets is super hard. It's like choosing your favorite baby, if babies were AWESOME. There are the places I use so often, I'd actually die if they went away (IMDB, YouTube, Wackopedia). There are my favorite news places (NYT, WaPo). And then there's my Google Reader. (From your 100 subscriptions, over the last 30 days you read 3,263 items, starred 6 items, shared 22 items, and emailed 7 items).

The two places I'm talking about today are special because: a) they always make me laugh loudly. And b) They are the only two places I consistently go out of my Google Reader to read.

someecards - for when you care enough to hit send












Television Without Pity

“You have any Kopi Luwak back there?”

‘Nuff said. I mean seriously, this is not even a conversation, it’s just a postcard from the writing staff to you that goes, “Hey there, Upper East Siders, just to let you know: as much as you hate Dan and Vanessa, nothing on this show has prepared you for the bullshit that is Lexi. Here are fifteen signifiers of her horribleness, which is so extradimensionally intense that we can’t even communicate it in words or concepts your puny human minds could conceptualize. She’s like the Chthulu of … bitches. So instead here are some words that will help you visualize the impossible vileness of her. Kopi Luwak. Which she drank in Indonesia.”

- Jacob, TWoP American Idol Recap

“Elena is walking down a street in Queens. She has a basket of groceries, which I am delighted to report has a loaf of French bread sticking out of it. Bags of groceries in movies and television shows always have French bread in them. I can only assume that if you eat French bread, your life will instantly become much more dramatic.”

- Montykins, TWoP Ugly Betty Recap

“My Amy Sedaris dream jobs are actually: Macy’s Holiday Giftwrapper and/or Build-A-Bear Workshop Attendant. God, I love that place. It’s where dreams are born! Little kids taking spooky empty furry skins and force-blowing plastic pellets into them! To create life! I am obsessed with that shit. If they’d had Build-A-Bear when I was age-appropriate I would have blown my every cent on that, I know it. To the degree that I would also settle for Dater of a Build-A-Bear Workshop Attendant, just to be able to say, “Gotta split, my boyfriend Ricky Braddy gets off at Build-A-Bear in a half-hour.”

- Jacop, TWoP American Idol Recap

If you are a good person, you'll send a someecard to someone you love right this very second.

Vacation

Hey-yo! Your Collective is on vacation this week. We'll be back next Monday.

Phone it in Friday: Drunk Posts

I am guessing that none of you got drunk last night and wrote a post for Phone it In Friday, and you know what? Shame on you! Look at the kind of fun you missed out on:



Happy Friday. Tell us something good.

Condoms prevent minivans

I did not plan ahead for drunk-posting. If I had, I would have written something after the gallons of beer I consumed on Friday night. I did not, though, because I was too busy playing ping-pong and watching videos on YouTube. And so I was down to the wire. Yesterday, I was all:

Me: I have to get drunk and write a post for The Collective, want to come over?

and Joe was all:

Joe: YES.

So Joe stopped at Papa Murphy's to pick up a pizza and brought over some booze and THEN you guys OH MY GOD we cooked the pizza but after HALF A FREAKING HOUR IT WAS STILL DOUGHY IN THE MIDDLE. That is not right. In fact, it's downright disgusting. So Joe had to drive all the way back to Papa Murphy's with the doughy pizza haphazardly wrapped in plastic and exchange it for a new one.

Anyway, so we started drinking a little while ago in anticipation for Lost. Which is now on. And which we will now live-blog. Sort of. I mean, you won't get to read it live. So it's not really live-blogging. I guess we'll live-blog it on our time and if you can time travel like some of the island inhabitants then maybe you'll read it before the episode even airs. Or maybe before LOST is even invented! Wow. You're so lucky. Anyway.

Here be spoilers (not really, don't worry, I don't think anyway, I didn't really edit this):

9:03 PM -

Joe: Is a woodchuck and a beaver a same thing?
Me: Um. I think so?

And now, thanks to TiVo, we shall start the show . . .

Me: We already saw this part!
Joe: Calm down. They are back-tracking like it's their job.

Joe: Wait, who is that guy?
Me: He was on the rescue mission . . . from Charles Widmore . . . and he went to find the other Losties. And stuff.
Joe: OK.
Me: [whispering] should I write that down?

This show makes even less sense than it does when I'm sober and also Joe is getting dizzy. MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY. The plane is totally crasing and there is a runway and what happened to Frank's beard? Was that corn? Oh my god, remember The X-Files? There was lots of corn on The X-Files after the movie came out. And then it was all "corn and bees" all the time.

OK, so the plane just crashed. And only some of them time-traveled off? Why didn't Sun time-travel? Or Ben? Why is Ben so super creepy everyone? 30 YEARS EARLIER WTF LOST? OH, right, because Sawyer is LaFleur. Sawyer is making googly eyes at Kate. Or Jack. I can't tell who. Aww, Hurley is hugging Sawyer and Joe was all, "Ooooh, I'm gonna man-hug you RIGHT NOW." I don't know what man-hugging is but it sounds violent and scary.

No man-hugs for Jack and Sawyer. This is boring, where is the smoke monster? I wish it would eat Jack sometimes. I know he's like the main character, blah blah blah, but he's the fdefinition of douchebitch. (Douchebitch: invented by Abigail circa 2008 CHICACO ILLINOISE).

Sawyer: It's 1977.
Hurley: Uh, what?
Joe: That means Star Wars isn't even out. Crazy.

I've decided I want to see Duplicity because Clive Own is wicked hot. He should be on a stamp. I also wich TiVo would FF through commercials in the future. This is BS.

This is insane. They're all 30 years ago but it's been 3 years for the Oceanic 6 and then I don't know how long for Saywer and everyone never mind let's keep watching. There is lots of serious talk going on that I don't really care about. It's weird how some people (Sawyer, Juliet) look totally hot in a jumpsuit but other people like, um, Miles look ridiculous. And like Balki always says, "Don't. Be. Ridicu-lus." Or something. Get off my back, Coosin Larry.

Juliet and Sawyer are about to have a fight but they don't know it. Or maybe they won't fight because Juliet is kind of a WASP. WASPs don't fight, they STING.

Random Guy on Lost: Get your hands off that!
Me: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

I had to pause Lost to type that and also to admire the shorts Joe made out of his Superman pajama pants. Yes, Joe, they are pretty. Pretty pretty princess.

And now, back to the studio! (That's from Bridget Jones)

Me: What's going on?
Joe: I will pause it.
Me: Don't, I don't care that much.

Then he tried to explain it to me but I wasn't listening because I was typing this instead.

Joe: Did you hear anything I just said? It was COMEDY GOLD!
Me: Something about a plane and models . . .

UNPAUSE. I thought the plane was a dinosaur. NO. It was a plane. Not a dinosaur. SPOLER.

You guys. Lost is really boring when you're drunk.

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE one ofthe guys on the beach with SUn assaulted Natalie on Sports Night but Joe can't think of his name.

UNPAUSE. Oh, I see, they crashed by the polar bear cages Kate and Sawyer had sex in. Why isn't Ben all hurt yet. Also the guy from Sports Night? His name on the show was Christian Patrick but I don't think anyone cares except for Joe. Don't tell him, though, SHH.

Ben: Why are you following me?
Joe: Hello, Clarice.

Should chicks who just had a baby be hanging out in hammocks? Um, where is your baby, ma'am? Oh. There it is. OH MY GOD THE BABY IS ETHAN YOU GUYS.

Joe: No spoilers.

HE hasn't seen like 95% of this show. Shh, don't tell him who Ethan is, OK?

UNPAUSE!

PAUSE!

I just started shaking my beer bottle and Joe was all, "No, I don't want any," so I shook it some more, and he was all, "Um, no thanks," and I shook it some more and he was all, "Oh, did you want me to get you another one?" and I nodded because I can't use words out loud anymore.

UNPAUSE!

Joe: Damn you, Fleur DeLacour.
Me: What?
Joe: I don't know.

Joe: Hurley doesn't want to camp.
Me: He has a guitar case!
Joe: Yes?
Me: He had him . . . a GUIT-AR CASE.

Like Forrest Gump? Get it? My name is Jennie. Me and Forrest was like pease and carrots but that is gross so stay away from me, Forrest Gump.

UNPAUSE!

jOE: hOLD MY hAND! ahahahahahaha! I'm Joe and I'm laughing at Jennie because she can't use Capst lock!

KERMIT THE FROG! Statler and Waldorf salad!

Anyway. Now there is running.

Me: Maybe we should just sign off because this is getting pretty long that's what she said.
Joe: We only did half the episode.
Me: I don't think anyone will notice.
Joe: No?

OK, bye!

This post brought to you by Magic Hat and some other stuff:



PS by Joe:

Jennie: I don't know what I did with the cord to hook up to the. . . thing.
Joe: Is it on the floor?
Jennie: Yes.