Phone It In Friday: Fake iPods for Fake People

Someone once described Kat's favorite band, The National, as the kind of music that would be on Mr. Darcy's iPod. And you know what? That person was absolutely right.

So what else would be on Mr. Darcy's iPod? In fact, what would be on any fictional character's iPod? We need to know. No really, we NEED TO KNOW. Like, seriously. TELL US ALREADY!

(Also, if anyone has anything they'd like us to pontificate upon (did I use that word right? Do I care?) please let us know. We aim to please.)

say I'm the only bee in your bonnet

I got an email from Kat a couple days ago telling me that my fictional character for the week was the Dread Pirate Roberts. And when I got this email, I was so excited I peed a little.

Confession: I did not pee a little. I did not pee at all.

When I read "dread pirate roberts," squealed and clapped my hands.

Confession: I did not squeal. I did not clap my hands. Because when I squeal and clap my hands in my office, people wonder what I'm doing. And then they come ask and then I have to talk to people and I try to avoid that if at all possible.

I was excited, though, and NOT just because I'm more than a little bit in love with the Dread Pirate Roberts. Although, seriously? He should totally ditch Buttercup and hang out with me instead. She's so useless. If there's one thing that pisses me off about that movie, it's her. She's so whiny and STUPID. She doesn't realize the Dread Pirate Roberts is Westley until AFTER she pushes him down a giant hill? His mask wasn't even that big! Also, she's all, "wah wah, we couldn't POSSIBLY live in the fire swamp, we'll surely die," like . . . your boyfriend just came back from the dead (so you thought, and JUST WAIT, soon he'll be mostly dead), HAVE A LITTLE FAITH.

Ahem. Anyway. No, the main reason I was excited was because I secretly think that I would make an excellent Dread Pirate Roberts. Dread Pirate Roberta. Whatever. Sure, I need to work on my swordplay and build up a resistance to iocane powder, but we can work all that out on the boat.

Here!

1. A Well Respected Man - The Kinks

2. Wanted Dead or Alive - Bon Jovi



3. Karma Police - Radiohead



4. Falling Slowly - Once

5. I Will Survive - Cake

6. Somebody to Love - Queen

7. Handlebars - Flobots

No embedding? Boooooooo!

8. Crazy - The Kooks



9. Istanbul (not Constantinople) - They Might Be Giants



10. Yo Ho Yo Ho, a Pirate's Life for Me (I mean, DUH)



(OH MY GOD, REMEMBER DISNEY SING-A-LONGS?!?)

I will never kiss anyone who doesn't burn me like the sun.

When Abigail M. Schilling assigned me the task of filling up Myrtle (Wilson, not Moaning)'s iPod, my first thought was Oh! How fortuitous! I'm currently reading Gatsby for the billionth time! My second thought was Oh shit! What the hell goes on Myrtle (Wilson, not Moaning)'s iPod? So, like any big nerd, I turned to the text.

Of Mrs. Wilson, Fitzgerald writes, "She was in the middle thirties, and faintly stout, but she carried her surplus flesh sensuously as some women can. Her face, above a spotted dress of dark blue crepe-de-chine, contained no facet or gleam of beauty but there was an immediately perceptible vitality about her as if the nerves of her body were continually smouldering."

Myrtle herself says, "All I kept thinking about over and over was 'You can't live forever, you can't live forever.'"

And then, when she proves that you cannot in fact live forever, Fitzgerald writes, "The mouth was wide open and ripped at the corners as though she had choked a little in giving up the tremendous vitality she had stored so long."

So how do you honor such a woman? What songs can possibly do her justice? Internets, I made Myrtle Wilson a Muxtape. And it's quite possibly the oddest mix I've ever made.

Luke Danes

In an episode of Gilmore Girls Luke Danes says he likes the old music. In another episode, when him and Lorelai finally get down to business he says, "alright, what CDs do I need to buy?" I don't know very much old music, and I don't know very much of Lorelai's music. I really don't know much music at all which makes me really bad at this assignment. But I do love Luke Danes (and Heather knows that). So this is what Luke Danes would listen to if he had my music knowledge and my lack of time (I'm still dealing with that family thing, kill me now).

Ben Lee, Catch My Disease
OneRepublic, Apologize
John Cougar Mellencamp, Jack and Diane
Ben Gibbard, Home (all the videos were super poor quality)
REO Speedwagon, Can't Fight This Feeling
Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars
The Killers, Smile Like You Mean It
Goo Goo Dolls, Slide
Oasis, Don't Look Back in Anger
Sondre Lerche, Stupid Memory
The Weepies, The World Spins Madly On

Fictional Playlists: Neville Longbottom

This week we are asking each other the age old question: if our favorite fictional characters were real, what would be on their iPods? Jennie! has assigned me Neville Longbottom, which means: a) I get to introduce you to my favorite book character ever. And b) I get to link you to some awesome 80s tunes, because everyone knows the best underdog fight songs come from 80s movies!

Internet, meet Neville Longbottom.

'Gran, I've lost my toad again.'

'And you should have seen their faces when I got in here – they thought I might not be magical enough to come, you see.'

'I'm worth twelve of you, Malfoy.'

'They went for Filch first, and everyone knows I'm almost a Squib.'

'I expect gran'd want me to try, though, she's always going on about how I should be upholding the family honour. I'll just have to – oops…'

Luna: 'And I don't know who you are.'

'I'm nobody,' said Neville hurriedly.
'No, you're not,' said Ginny sharply.
'Neville Longbottom – Luna Lovegood…'

'Mimbulus mimbletonia,' he said proudly.

'Expelliarmus!' said Neville, and Harry, caught unawares, felt his wand fly out of his hand.
'I DID IT!' said Neville gleefully. 'I've never done it before – I DID IT!'

But Neville had already stretched out his hand, into which his mother dropped an empty Droobles Blowing Gum wrapper.
'Very nice, dear,' said Neville's grandmother in a falsely cheery voice, patting his mother on the shoulder. But Neville said quietly, 'Thanks, Mum.'

'We're coming with you, Harry."

'My gran's going do kill be,' said Neville thickly, blood spattering from his nose as he spoke, 'dat was by dad's old wand....'

'He's dot alone!' shouted a voice from above them. 'He's still god be!

'STUBEFY!' shouted Neville, wheeling around and waving Hermione's wand at the oncoming Death Eaters. 'STUBEFY, STUBEFY!'

'The odd thing is, Harry,' he said softly, 'that it may not have meant you at all. Sybil's prophecy could have applied to two wizard boys, born at the end of July that year, both of whom had parents in the Order of the Phoenix, both sets of parents having narrowly escaped Voldemort three times. One, of course was you. The other was Neville Longbottom.'

"It's high time your grandmother learned to be proud of the grandson she's got, rather than the one she thinks she ought to have."

In one swift, fluid motion, Neville broke free of the Body-Bind Curse upon him; the flaming hat fell off him and he drew from its depths something silver, with a glittering rubied handle—

The slash of the silver blade could not be heard over the roar of the oncoming crowd or the sound of the clashing giants or of the stampeding centaurs, and yet it seemed to draw every eye. With a single stroke Neville sliced off the great snake's head, which spun high into the air, gleaming in the light flooding from the entrance hall, and Voldemort's mouth was open in a scream of fury no one could hear, and the snake's body thudded to the ground at his feet—

Internet, meet the Top 11 songs on Neville Longbottom's iPod.

My Father's Gun, Elton John

Eye of the Tiger, Survivor

Highway to the Danger Zone, Kenny Loggins

Don't Stop Believin', Journey

I Predict a Riot, Kaiser Chiefs

It Ain't Over 'Til it's Over, Lenny Kravitz

Hit Me With Your Best Shot*, Pat Benatar

Happiness, The Weepies

What a Feeling** Irene Cara

Ruby***, Kaiser Chiefs

The Beginning After the End, Stars

What do you think? Did I miss any of Neville's songs?

---
*I own! this song on Guitar Hero.

**If it weirds you out to watch Bette Porter gyrating around like that, I apologize. Of course, if it weirds you out to watch Bette Porter gyrating around you probably don't watch The L Word and therefore have no idea who Bette Porter is.

***Also an appropriate song for Ron Weasley.