Things that make me an asshole, Volume III

1) I cannot let people (even children) win. And worse, if I am able, I have to beat the pants off of the person I am competing against. For example, last week Amy bought a Wii, and I am really super awesome at Wii Tennis, and Amy is really good. (But not super awesome.) I knew her morale was getting low and that if I just let her win a couple of games, she'd get better and have more fun. But I could not. Last night she said she would't play with me anymore because sports make me "ass-ey."

2) Sometimes I like to go to movies on Saturday morning, espcially cartoon movies, but I have no patience whatsoever with talking kids, even though it's Saturday morning and cartoons. I will report chatty kids to the Theater Police.

3) If I am within hearing distance of you, and you say a wrong fact about Harry Potter, I will interrupt you to correct you, even though it's rude and you are a perfect stranger.

4) At my favorite sandwich shop, the owner always starts my sandwich and puts it ahead of all the others as soon as he sees me come in the door, which means I don't have to wait in line. I never protest this special treatment or let elderly people or people in a hurry go in front of me.

5) I make people fall in love with me. Like, especially waiters and hostesses at restaurants that I frequent a lot. I touch them on the arm and laugh at their jokes and then when they, I dunno, say, buy me a six-foot SpongeBob SquarePants plush doll, I act all surprised, like, but I'm just a customer.