Hey, Gunther. You're an ezel.

Part 1
Part 2

1. If you say you don't read, I will try and force it on you

I had a friend once who told me she didn't read, so I'd give her books for her birthday. I couldn't believe it when she said she didn't read. I think the conversation went like this:

Me: I love this book. Do you want to read it?
Her: I don't really read.
Me: What?
Her: I just don't read books.
Me: ...
Her: I read magazines and stuff.
Me: That doesn't count.
Her: Oh.

2. I want everyone to agree with me, always

This is because I'm always right and also because I don't really like getting into arguments, which is insane because . . .

3. I also like to play devil's advocate just to argue with people

My friend, the same one who never reads, once drove us to class in college and when we got out of the car, I told her she was blocking someone's driveway. "Oh," she said. "Well, class isn't long, I'm sure it'll be fine." I was all, "whatever, it's not my car and we're late anyway." When we came back out after class, someone had taken Vaseline and written a nasty note on her back windshield. I don't remember what it said, but I do remember we got in a fight because she said they overreacted and I told her I didn't blame them because if I came out of my house and couldn't pull out of the driveway because someone was blocking me in, I'd be pissed too and she was all, "whatever, they could have just left a note," and I said, "um, they did leave a note," and yeah, we're not friends anymore.

4. I'm indecisive, so I want you to make all the decisions

BUT. If you pick the wrong thing, I'm going to get mad at you, and I probably won't say anything. Instead I'll seethe quietly, so you won't KNOW I'm mad. So. At least you have that going for you.

5. I don't care about how great your vacation was

Seriously. And it's really rude of you to go on and on about it when I haven't been to the beach in four years.