Phone It In Friday: Boob Tube Edition

So TV fans (and I know there are a lot of you), what are you watching these days? What new shows are you looking forward to? And what should we all order on Netflix RIGHT THIS SECOND?

Let us know in the comments!

Lizard! Am I standin' in poop?

There are a lot of things I love about TV. Um, 1. it's awesome, 2. pretty people saying clever things, 3. sometimes it makes me have feelings, which I don't normally condone, but TV gets a free pass, 4. talking about last night's episode of whatever with the internet. BUT the thing I love most is that when TV is good, really good, it can make you forget yourself, forget that you're sitting on your sofa in penguin-print pajama pants, forget that you have to get up early for work in the morning, forget that you're not on that plane-wrecked island with Kate (punch!) and Sawyer.

I feel the same way about good books and I am incapable of tearing myself away from either when I'm totally engrossed, sleep be damned. This is why I love TV on DVD (sorry, Abs)...because there's no such thing as a cliffhanger. No waiting! Not when you have the next season sitting right there! For someone as impatient as myself, this is a beautiful thing. When Joe and I were watching Lost, I kept thinking, "THIS is the way to do it! No long summertime angst over what the hell is in the hatch! No freaking six month hiatus! IT'S MAGIC!" Of course, this only works for older shows but honestly? There is so much good TV on TV that I don't have time to watch it all, and I need to play catchup months (or years!) later.

Obviously, the other beautiful thing about TV on DVD (sorry, Abs) is that you can watch it over and over and over, and in most cases this is a very, very good thing because some shows are meant to be watched over and over and over.

FOR INSTANCE, Arrested Development gets funnier with each viewing. FACT.



And as soon as I'd finished Flight of the Conchords (both seasons) and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (all seasons), my first instinct was TO WATCH THEM AGAIN because oh my god THE FUNNY I NEED THE FUNNY GIVE ME THE FUNNY.



In fact, most good comedies need to be watched over and over because you always miss something since you're laughing so hard. I mean, how could you not laugh so hard when faced with something like this:



As far as dramas go, if I run across an episode of The X-Files (Mulder seasons only), Alias, or Buffy, I have to watch it. HAVE TO. Fortunately (?), I hardly ever run across an episode of these shows on TV, so I can still live my life.

Until season 5 of Lost comes out on DVD. Then I'm booked for a couple of days.

But the absolute best thing about TV? Is that it can cause me to absolutely LOSE. MY. SHIT. like when this happened (spoilers!):



Rumors are that Chuck isn't coming back until March. MARCH! Good thing Joe has it on DVD.

These are the Daves I know, I know, these are the Daves I know.

These are the television shows I own on DVD:

• Pushing Daisies
• The Powerpuff Girls
• King of the Hill (which actually belong to my boyfriend but whatever)
• The Muppet Show (Season 1 only; I don't have enough pot to get through them all)
• Fraggle Rock (see above parenthetical)

These are the television shows I wish I owned on DVD:

• Futurama (even though episodes are on Comedy Central enough that I always have half-a-dozen on the DVR at any given time)
• News Radio
• The Kids in the Hall

These are the television shows I don't necessarily wish to own on DVD, but watch whenever they are on:

• Roseanne
• Star Trek: The Next Generation
• The X-Files

These are the television shows that I used to watch but can no longer watch when I should be watching them because they were canceled far too soon:

• Cupid (the original)
• Carnivale (did anybody on the planet watch this except for me?)
  
• Arrested Development
• Kitchen Confidential
• Pushing Daisies

These are the television shows I'll probably start watching if I remember to set my DVR:

• Bored to Death
• Flash Forward
• V (even though the original scarred me for life and now I am terrified of aliens)

This is the television show I can't wait to watch now that it's been resurrected from the dead:

• Futurama

That's a lot of television. I'm going to go read a book now.

you just got slapped

First of all, a confession, even though that was last week: while I love TV on DVD, I hate the phrase TV on DVD. It sounds so manufactured like the Disney Vault or something. It sounds brand name when it should sound generic. So, a little assignment for you all: can we come up with something better?

Secondly, I feel like I've told you all about my favorite TVs a million times. As a refresher:

All Time Favorites:
Friends
Gilmore Girls
The OC

Current Favorites:
30 Rock
The Office
The Hills
How I Met Your Mother

If I had to choose, I'd choose TV over movies because a) you get more story, and b) for some reason I can pass a whole weekend in front of the TV watching Lorelai and Rory, but I can't sit through a three-hour movie. For example, in the month of August alone I have (re)watched Gilmore Girls Seasons 3 and 4 and Dawson's Creek Season 2. I have also watched any episodes of the above shows that my TiVo grabbed for me. Because it doesn't matter if I have it on DVD. I'm more likely to watch it if I can beep boop through the commercials. I'm also more likely to watch it if a YouTube angel has created a clip with all the parts of particular plot lines. I love those people. So without further ado, some plot lines.

Friends: The One With All The Cheesecake


Gilmore Girls: Rory moves into Yale


The OC: opening scene from Rainy Day Women


30 Rock: working on my night cheese

and excuse me, imperial guard


The Office: I went to Cornell


The Hills:
okay, so I couldn't find a video that would justify my love because a) MTV must yank everything down, and b) there are a lot of Lauren/Heidi fan vids out there to sift through.

How I Met Your Mother: Slapsgiving

So, in the words of A.A. Milne: "Get out of my chair, dillhole!"

I have a complicated relationship with TV. I love my stories. I mean, I love them in that deluded way that makes me think they're not stories, but actual real-life happenings. Love them like Pam and Jim and Bette and Tina are real people and if they don't end up together MY LIFE IS NOT WORTH LIVING.

I think that part of TV watching is in my blood or something because of how my Granny watched Days of Our Lives every day of her life and so did my mom and, for a really long time, so did my sister and I. (And one day, God-willing, her son will watch it too.)

I remember when the Internet first happened. (Some of you guys don't remember that at all. Like, Ashley and Lindsay and Candice and maybe even Abiagil! You've never been alive without the Internet. You probably don't even know what a card catalog is, or how to find books using it.) One night, just when the Internet was getting revved up to take over the world, Jenn and I were checking our Hotmail and reading Geocities when we discovered the most amazing thing our eyes had ever beheld: Recaps! Of Days of Our Lives! We stayed up all night reading those things. It was 1995, I think. Television Without Pity's founders probably weren't even born yet.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, right. I have a complicated relationship with television. See, because while I LOVE to watch my stories, TV annoys me to no end when my stories aren't on. I never just sit down in front of the TV and flip through the channels, and nothing makes me crazier than when the TV is just on for background noise. It makes my ears bleed, I swear.

If someone tells me something awesome is happening on TV, I will totally watch. But I never just accidentally discover good stuff at random. (And it's not like Amy does, either. I mean, her staples are Hallmark, Lifetime and ABC Family.) (I know. I judge too.)

Wow, Heathy, lock it up.

Anyway, this week's topic is TV shows I can watch over and over again. And all that rambling was to say that if I were going to flip through channels, and I came across any of these shows, I would stop what I was doing and watch, even if it was a marathon that lasted a whole week.

Friends



Golden Girls



The West Wing



Gilmore Girls



The Office



You know, now that I looked up these videos, I remember that I have all these shows on DVD. So that whole channel-flipping rant was kind of a moo point. (Like a cow's opinion. Doesn't matter.)

Phone it in Friday: Seeeecrets

Hey, Internet. Tell us your secrets. C'mon. We won't tell anyone.

might be a quarter-life crisis

Sometimes when I'm at work, I daydream about quitting my job to get a job that A) is outside and B) involves physical labor, so when I go home every day, I'm TIRED because I actually WORK for a living instead of sitting at a desk in a cushy chair pushing pointless pieces of paper around but INSTEAD of quitting I just go back to surfing the internet and contemplating my life of quiet desperation (fuck you, Thoreau). Maybe I should move to a cabin in the woods or something, but I DID used to live right next to (a, not THE) Walden Pond and that didn't really help so maybe I should just shut up, OK, moving on...

The thing about working outside that would be awesome is that I'd be SO tan and everyone looks better with a tan until they get skin cancer and then not so much. And the thing that would be awesome about doing actual, physical work is that I'd be SO fit and everyone looks better when they're SO fit until they throw out their back and have to walk around all hunched over and then not so much.

For serious, though, not a day goes by that I don't fantasize about winning the lottery so I can quit my job, which leads me to believe I might not like my job very much. The phrase, "mind-numbingly boring" comes to mind...........oh, sorry, I just fell asleep for a second.

So I suppose my confession is I don't know what I want to do when I grow up, but this isn't it.

Also, this one time I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Also, also, this one time I got us kicked out of a bar for stealing a poster off the wall.

Also, also, also, it was Kelly Clarkson that I used to imitate at parties.

Only two of those things are true, BTW. CAN YOU EVEN GUESS WHICH TWO? CAN YOU?!

Yeah, you totally can.

Confession:

I don't read everything you share with me on Google Reader.

It's not that I don't love you, or value the things you think are interesting or important, it's just that my Greader is OUT OF CONTROL. For serious, I must have subscribed to every RSS feed on the internets because if I walk away from the computer for even an hour, Google somehow loses the ability to count real high and I come back to "1000+" unread posts. And because my Greader is OUT OF CONTROL, I spend all of my free time reading unread posts, which leaves me no time to comment on any of your blogs, which I do actually read, every single one of them, because I love you and value what you have to say.

Please don't be mad at me.

I'm a pathetic gamer.

So. Here's the thing. I'm addicted to something called time management games. They are a type of video game where you pass levels by juggling customer service tasks. In my favorite, Cake Mania you run a cake shop. Customers come in and place orders and you have to bake the cake and frost the cake and check out the customer. Much fun.

Addicted means that I've played at least a dozen different time management games successfully, achieving expert scores on the highest level. I love these games so much. If I had an audience for it, I would talk about them all the time. What's that? You want to know all about them?


Ranch Rush: You run a farm and sell stuff for money. At first you just have clover. THEN you buy a cow and you feed the clover to the cow and the cow makes milk. THEN you can buy a cheese machine. There are ostriches. And tomatoes and ketchup. Good times. I spent some vacation time last week getting all the trophies.


Chocolate Shop Frenzy: You operate a chocolate shop. The hardest part is that people can request these specialty chocolates shaped like animals that are hard to make. If you mess up, you have to throw it away. The customers get mad quickly and storm out. OR burglars come and steal your money.


Sally's Spa: Customers can get a steam, a massage, eyebrow pluck, fizza spa bath, etc, etc. The more services they get the more money you make, but it can get real crazy up in there. Good thing you can upgrade equipment.

Do you feel like a crazy person yet? I do. I can't explain my fascination with these games. But I can read review after review. As a addicted gamer, I feel like I should be into Halo or something. But no. I like making cheese. Please someone tell me you love these games, too.

Confessions!

Today is a super special day because it is Abigail!'s birthday! So in an effort to combine this week's topic (confessions!) with the birthday festivities, I give you a list of things you'd be judging me for if Schilbo hadn't intervened.

1) Without Schilbo, I'd still be using Yahoo! mail.

2) Without Schilbo, I would never have watched:
The Office
Gilmore Girls
How I Met Your Mother
American’s Next Top Model
Gossip Girl
The O.C.

3) Without Schilbo, I would not know how to operate:
Facebook
Twitter
Flickr

4) Without Schilbo, I would never have met my Internet boyfriend, Jacob the recapper, from TWoP.

5) Without Schilbo’s YouTube regulations, I would spend all day every day watching fanvids.

6) Without Schilbo, I would never have traveled the world.

7) Without Schilbo, I wouldn’t even be able to quote Center Stage.

Basically, without Schilbo, I’d be blogging on Xanga, searching on Bing, waiting on dial up, and paying to have photos developed from a disposable camera.

So, Happy Birthday, little Schilbo. I confess, without your tutelage, I would be a curmudgeonly old woman.

Phone it in Friday: Laugh it up, Fuzzball

OK, Internets, tell us your jokes. I know at least one of us is dealing with THE COWORKER FROM HELL and could use a good laugh.

Make us laugh, Internets! Please?

I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.

All the jokes I tell are inappropriate or juvenile or both. And I only tell the inappropriate jokes after doing the following:

1. I have to try them out on Joe first, but that doesn't always work because we're about the same amount of inappropriate MEANING he's going to laugh at any joke I tell, even if it's about Helen Keller having an abortion or something

aaaaaaaaaand

2. I have to drink at least two and a half beers.

As I have not had two and a half beers at this time, you're going to have to settle for my two favorite juvenile jokes that are perfectly appropriate to tell anyone, even tiny babies, although they won't understand you because tiny babies haven't developed a sense of humor yet.

Q: What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

A: NACHO CHEESE.

ALSO!

Person 1: How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Person 2: I don't know, how ma--

Person 1: WANNA RIDE BIKES?!?

That last one works better out loud.

Please don't hate me for this.

Q: What did the blind and deaf kid get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.

Born on a mountain top in Tennessee, Greenest state in the land of the free

Greeting, ladies and jellyfish! (Jennie!, that was for you.)

I have a handful of phrases that I utter here and there. Phrases that may seem throw away, but crystallize the situation perfectly for me.

"My life is a joke" is one of these.

And it often is. I am a disarray of good intentions and sometimes the world is just not enough.

Now, for example. I am here:



As you can see, no cell reception and very spotty internet. Oh, and I'm with my family. Are you laughing? I am. Cause my life is a joke. (P.S. That's my brand new car. Say hello and offer name suggestions please.)

But I suppose I could tell you a real joke. I'm not good at favorites (just ask Heather! Anne!), but this is my friend Andrew's FAVORITE joke. I've heard him tell it at least twelve times a year for the last seven. It still makes me laugh. Are you ready?

Did you know that Davy Crockett had three ears?

...

His left ear, his right ear, and the wild front-ear.

This scary black bar is what you spend on things that no one ever, ever needs, like multiple magic sets.

It's joke week, which is a bummer for me because I am the worst joke-teller in the entire universe. But what's not a bummer is that I'm about to go on beach holiday, so here is my best joke:

A guy is walking along a sidewalk when he hears some shouting going on behind a tall, wooden fence. What are those people saying? he wonders to himself. He presses his ear to the fence and makes out the noise. "13! 13! 13!" the people are chanting. Looking around he notices a hole in one of the posts. He leans forward to look through it, and -- POKE! -- a finger right into his eye. "14! 14! 14!" come the cries behind the fence.

Also, let me take a moment to apologize for botching Kat's quiz results when I posted them last week. I've changed them to reflect the actual answers. Also, her name means flower. Very sorry about that.

Anyhoodley: aloha. See you next week for Abigail's birthday party! (Don't look through any fence holes while I'm gone.)

O.W.L. Results

Thank you all for playing along with our Collective quizzes this week. The winners are as follows:

For Heather! Anne!'s quiz: Cousin Candice with 8 correct answers! (Ashley was a close second with 7.2 correct answers, but the correct answer to the bonus question is "1/8 full-blooded Cherokee" not just "1/8 Cherokee." Anyone who chose regular "1/8 Cherokee" got 1/8 of a point.)

For Abigail's quiz: Ashley with 8 correct answers! (You're welcome for the pictures of hot guys in her post.)

For Kat's quiz: Sir with 4 correct answers! (We're still not sure what Kat's middle name is, and she's out of town so we can't find out. If that changes the results, we'll send out more prizes.)

For Jennie's quiz: Lindsay with 7 correct answers! Ashley also had 7 correct answers originally, but I had to deduct half a point because she called Keira Knightley a dipstick.

The overall winner is Ashley!

Congratulations to all winners for the privilege of knowing us. (Please send your physical addresses to heatherannehogan@gmail.com.)

The correct quiz answers have been noted below in our individual posts.

Phone It In Almost Friday: Last Chance To Take Quizzes!

We're finished grading all the quizzes that have been taken so far. You have until noon EST Friday to take any that you missed. We'll reveal the results on Friday afternoon!

when the teacher pops a test, I know I'm in a mess, and my dog ate all my homework last night

1. Who is my imaginary friend?

a. Ferdinand

b. Figment

c. Frankenstein

d. Fred

2. What sort of transportation does he use?

a. invisible elephant

b. hippogriff

c. rocketship (duh)

d. unicorn

3. I am short. Joe is not. How much taller than me is Joe?

a. nine and a half inches

b. seven inches

c. one foot and three inches

d. one foot

4. Who is the most adorable nerd on TV, according to me, who is right about everything?

All answers are correct!

a. Chuck Bartowski

b. Marshall Eriksen

c. Andy Bernard

d. Ned the Pie Maker

5. What kind of puppy do I want?

a. Lab

b. Beagle

c. Bulldog

d. Any

6. Who is my favorite Jane Austen dude?

a. Mr. Wickam

b. Mr. Knightley

c. Mr. Darcy

d. Col. Brandon

7. I have a younger sister. What is her name?

a. Mandy

b. Mindy

c. Sandy

d. Cindy

8. Sometimes I do/say things that make no sense. When this happens, Joe calls me:

a. Special

b. SIGH

c. Crazy

d. Liz Lemon

9. What American Idol contestant did I used to imitate (loudly) at parties?

a. Carrie Underwood

b. Kelly Clarkson

c. Fantasia

d. Clay Aiken

10. What's the name of the "novel" I wrote when I was 12?

a. The Perfect Summer

b. The Evil Summer

c. The Terrible Spring

d. The Not So Good Winter

Tout sur moi.

Pop quiz, hot shot!

1. When I was a kid, what did I want to be when I grew up?
a. A doctor
b. A stewardess
c. A radio DJ
d. All of the above
e. None of the above

2. I was once ranked second in the state of Florida in which sport?
a. Tae Kwon Do
b. Soccer
c. Swimming
d. Tennis
e. Archery

3. What is my all-time favorite band?
a. The National
b. R.E.M.
c. The Twilight Singers
d. The Afghan Whigs
e. New Kids on the Block

4. What country is my mother from?
a. Vietnam
b. Thailand
c. Singapore
d. Laos
e. Colombia

5. Which of the following is NOT one of my hobbies?
a. Knitting
b. Embroidery
c. Sewing
d. Painting
e. Making jewelry

6. Which of the following animals have I NEVER owned as a pet?
a. Cat
b. Dog
c. Rabbit
d. Parrot
e. Gerbil

7. Which of the following movies have I NEVER seen?
a. The Godfather
b. Rocky
c. Star Wars
d. The Shawshank Redemption
e. Pulp Fiction

8. What is (generally) my liquor of choice?
a. Gin
b. Rum
c. Tequila
d. Vodka
e. Whiskey

9. Who is currently my pretend boyfriend?
a. Chuck Klosterman
b. Alexander Skarsgard
c. James McAvoy
d. Lee Pace
e. Zachary Quinto

10. What does my middle name mean?
a. Strength
b. Moon
c. Seven
d. Ocean
e. Flower

a is for abigail

1) When was I born?

a) 1982
b) 1983
c) 1984
d) 1985

2) Which of the following men have I not loved in the last 12 months?

Answer: C

a)



b)



c)



d)


3) What is my favorite color?

a) blue
b) green
c) gray
d) white

4) Name one nickname I'm called on a regular basis.

Schilbo, Schil, Ghee, Abs, Sorry

5) Order my fears, least to greatest.

D, A, B, C

a) heights
b) rejection
c) being responsible for someone else's death
d) spiders

6) True or false: I totally wore a plaid skirt uniform in high school.

Totally True

7) Name at least four crucial ingredients in my Chipotle burrito order.

chicken, rice, corn, tomato, sour cream, cheese, guac

8) If I could be a TV character, I would be:

a) Lorelai Gilmore
b) Marshall Eriksen
c) Ross Gellar
d) Liz Lemon
e) Lauren Conrad

9) When I turn the TV on, I:

a) check to see what awesome reruns are happening on the CW
b) see what the DVR recorded for me as a present
c) go directly to the recent episodes of my latest shows and catch up chronologically
d) flip back and forth between Friends on whatever channel it's on that day, and the Food Network (mmmmmmm)

10) I'm most likely to:

a) Twitter.
b) Update my Facebook status.
c) Post pictures to my Flickr account.
d) Blog.

Quiz Time!

It's contest week here at the Collective, friends, and here's how it's going down: Each day we'll post a quiz about ourselves, and you'll leave your answers in the comments. There will be a winner for each day and a winner who gets the most questions right for the whole week. We'll let you know who's getting prizes on Friday.

First up: Heather! Anne!

Quiz:

1) Which one of the following does NOT terrify me:

a) Bears
b) Balloons
c) Heights
d) Vampires

2) Rank the following in order from least asshole to most asshole:

Answer: Margaret, Hogan, Nala, Scout.

a) Margaret



b) Nala



c) Scout



d) Hogan




3) Which of the following countries have I NOT visited:

a) Great Britain
b) Italy
c) Spain
d) Germany
e) France

4) Which of the following Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks movies do I actually skip over when it's on TV:

a) Joe vs. the Volcano
b) You've Got Mail
c) Sleepless in Seattle

5) What is the best Batman movie and worst Batman movie, according to my correct opinion?

Batman (1989), Batman and Robin.

6) Rank my TV girlfriends in order from most beloved to regular beloved:

Any order is correct; it changes hourly.

a) Helen Stewart
b) Gwen Cooper
c) Sarah Walker
d) Cat Deeley
e) Lorelai Gilmore

7) True or False: I love "Idiot's Guides" and "Books for Dummies."

True

8) Which Harry Potter character am I most like?

a) Luna Lovegood
b) Hermione Granger
c) Ron Weasley
d) Neville Longbottom
e) Albus Dumbledore

9) What was my favorite quote from TV last season:

a) "Dammit, Meredith, where are your panties?!" - Kelly Kapoor, The Office
b) "Well, you can tell Jesus the bitch is back." - Georgina Sparks, Gossip Girl
c) " I give you a simple management suggestion in a professional context, and I get back the second half of a Judy Blume novel." Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock
d) Right. What I want you to do is take off your glasses, shake out your hair and say 'Mr. Booth, do you know what the penalty is for an overdue book?'" Seeley Booth, Bones
e) "Guys... I know kung fu." Chuck, Chuck

10) How tall am I?

a) Slightly shorter than Abigail.
b) As tall as Abigail.
c) Legitimately taller than Abigail.
d) In my heart, you're the tallest girl I know.

Bonus Question:

What percentage Cherokee Indian am I?

1/8 full-blooded