Two months ago, I transferred to a different company within my company (...yeah) and started a new job. Getting a new job meant that, in addition to no longer wanting to stab myself in the eye daily, I have more money to pay bills and buy important things like food, water, and shiny new digital cameras. Unfortunately, switching jobs ALSO meant I don't have enough vacation built up to take off a week for a fabulous Mexican getaway with Heidi and Tamara. Le sigh.
But don't worry! I know how you worry. There is still summer fun in my future. I plan on taking my new camera to Myrtle Beach in about a week with Joe and his family. And I plan on taking it to Chicago in June where I hope to get pictures to rival the ones I've already brought back with me from Chicago. Pictures such as this:
I know this picture doesn't look that crazy or anything, but it's after I had an entire margarita spilled on me, took off most of my clothes in the bathroom to dry them under the hand dryer, and then realized the bathroom door was unlocked the whole time. Good times!
Also this is like my favorite picture from Chicago EVER:
After that, my trip-taking may be over because I will be out of money. HAHA JK only not really.
That doesn't mean the fun is over, though. I have lots of fun times planned for me and my camera. Cookouts and adventures to the nature reserve and MAYBE EVEN Cox Arboretum and Yellow Springs and Clifton Gorge and WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE? Probably the pool. I plan on spending a lot of time with the pool, provided the Ohio weather cooperates on the weekends. Dear Ohio, please don't mess with me because I will kick your ass. Love you!
Once I'm done with all of that (and kicking Ohio's ass), I'll be tired and need to go soak up some air conditioning. So I'll probably be using my camera to take pictures of embroidery projects I hope to start (and finish) and food I plan to make (and eat) and movies I plan to rent (and watch) and wine I plan to buy (and drink) and OK that all sounds like a lot of stuff, so I'd better go get started OK BYE.
1. Wear sunscreen on those days when I have no excuse not to. (I can't commit to all the days on account of my skin has only a brief short window to display actual color and I will take that window, but I'm definitely not out to get toasted.)
2. Take the GMAT so I can get into grad school and get an MBA. (Despite the fact that I've been thinking about this for over a year, it still feels very much like a whim.)
3. Taking a week off of work and going on a trip to the Midwest. (I feel nervous about this because I've never taken this much time off of work and I've never gone on a vacation for this long. My comfort zone feels deserted.)
4. Turning 25 years old. I've already started my birthday week planning (including what I will buy with my Disneyland giftcard) and when that's all done maybe I'll start on the aforelinked list and get my shit together.
5. Get my shit together: Finish writing all those thank you notes I'm late on, print some photos and put them in frames, go through all my crap in the garage and get rid of it.
...rode a train to the top of the Alps in Switzerland,
and then took a cruise around a lake below.
I sat in a wooden shoe (and saw prostitutes) in Amsterdam.
I had a picnic in front of the Eiffel Tower.
It was an excellent summer vacation -- so excellent, in fact, that my plans for this summer include no travel at all. Because by "excellent" I mean "expensive." It was awesome, but now I am travel broke.
This summer, I plan to take this thing...
...to the zoo, and the creek, and the lake, and the pool, and Chuck E. Cheese, and the park, and the toy store, and the children's museum where they're having a hands-on comic book exhibit, and the aquarium, and who knows where else. I plan to play sword fights and water gun fights and soccer and baseball and race and chase until he looks like this...
Everyone's doing it; why aren't you? DON'T YOU WANT TO BE COOL? And while you're at it, here, try this wine cooler. I promise your parents will never find out.
I have a scar on my forehead from when I fell into a coffee table when I was a wee child. I have not gotten any more graceful.
2. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
A puppy. Duh.
3. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
Around 7. This is why I hate the morning time.
4. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
My Big Wheel. I rode it everywhere. And when I say everywhere, I mean four houses down from our house, in either direction, because that was as far as I was allowed to go. Probably because my parents thought I'd get lost if I went any farther. Anyway. When I got tired of riding it, I'd flip it upside-down and pretend it was that sewing wheel thingie that Sleeping Beauty pricked her finger on. Yeah.
5. THE BEST TV SHOW EVER CREATED:
This hurts. I can't answer this. Oh wait, yes, I can because ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. COME ON!
6. THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO?
I called Joe and woke him up this morning (he asked me to), which is like my favorite thing to do ever since his company laid everyone off in an email (true story) and he started freelancing and gets to sleep in every morning and then watch movies and work in his pajamas while I get dressed and drive FOREVER to work like some kind of sucker.
7. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Only if I just watched a zombie movie. Or The Strangers.
8. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
I don't know. Jim and Pam? I didn't CRY cry, but I got a little teary and when you start getting teary about fake babies, it's time to take some more Midol.
9. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
Zero! No wisdom for me!
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
I don't care as long as you smell clean.
11. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
I don't care.
12. WOULD YOU RATHER BE SMART OR FUNNY?
Remember that time Jon Stewart went on Jeopardy! and was all smart? And those times he's on The Daily Show and he's all funny? And those other other times he's on The Daily Show and he is funny AND smart? I want to be that, please.
13. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Coffee, every morning. Or I get a headache and kill you.
14. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
A chocolate chip cookie. No, like 28 chocolate chip cookies.
15. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
Phoebe, because I moved HOW DARE I. (Does a cat count as a person?)
16. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
No. That's Spanish for "no."
17. DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE?
I'm awfully fond of Joe, if that's what you're asking.
18. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
Is Joe leaving? That rat bastard.
19. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
I make fun of them. You know, in a nice way.
20. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
When people aren't on time. And that there are never any spoons in the kitchen at work, but there are like three boxes of forks. Also! Co-workers that are close-talkers AND over-sharers. Yikes.
21. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE U.S.?
Yes.
22. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Good singers. People quoting my favorite movies/books/TV shows. Space cowboys. NPH. Coffee. PUPPIES.
23. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I wouldn't because it freaks me out. Have you ever watched a lipo procedure?
24. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
Because everybody else did.
25. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
Definitely. Also, Joe would probably get angry if I did that.
26. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
"Hey, you haven't fallen over much today, GOOD JOB." Just kidding. No one has ever said that to me.
27. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
Cry? Or get some moonshine from Heather Anne.
28. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
My mom is convinced I will never have any kids, just to spite her, so my answer to this is: I DON'T KNOW.
29. WHERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
I'm (sort of) stealing Heather Anne's answer: I was named after the most popular name in 1978 1982.
30. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
Wait, didn't we already talk about crying? Why do you want me to be so sad, SURVEY?
31. ANY BAD HABITS?
Oh, TONS. I leave shoes everywhere. I crack my knuckles and my wrists and my ankles and my back. I leave things til the last minute. And, much like little Abigail Breslin in Signs, I leave half-full (half-empty?) cups of water all over the apartment.
32. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I refuse to answer this on account of I like being me so THEREFORE . . . yeah, I just don't have an answer to this one.
33. DO YOU KNOW ANYONE FAMOUS?
In my head, I'm BFF with Tina Fey so YES.
34. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Probably, but I like to think they don't.
35. HOW DO YOU RELEASE YOUR ANGER?
I don't. I bottle it all up forever and ever.
36. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
I pretty much think everyone is inherently good YET I realize that's incredibly naive. So, yes, I trust others easily but I'm still suspicious of their intentions. HEALTHY.
My sister pushed me off of my bike, and the pedal took a huge chunk of flesh out of my shin. There was also the time she scratched my leg at SEA-TAC so badly it wouldn't stop bleeding until we got to Tokyo. And then there was the time she scratched MY MOTHERFUCKING EYEBALL. What I'm saying is my sister was a little bitch.
2. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
I want Lost's final season premiere on the television tonight, NOT NINE FUCKING MONTHS FROM NOW.
NewsRadio. And now that I've found every episode online, I WILL NEVER DO A LICK OF WORK AGAIN.
6. THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO?
That is protected by the attorney-client privilege.
7. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
No.
8. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Myself.
9. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
Zero.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
I wear Beauty by Kate Spade because it reminds me of growing up in the South.
11. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
I'm a sucker for tall, dark, and handsome.
12. WOULD YOU RATHER BE SMART OR FUNNY?
I think everyone in the whole wide world knows by now that I would fucking cut a bitch to be funny.
13. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Whichever one has the booze in it.
14. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Yesterday I woke up craving a chicken salad sammich like a motherfucker. Right now? A bowl of cereal.
15. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
That is protected by the attorney-client privilege. Also, my boyfriend.
16. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
Es-yay.
17. DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE?
I am obsessed with Marc Savard. I need help. Badly.
18. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
In fact, those are the only conditions under which I'd venture to fall in love again.
19. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
SCOOP THE FUCKING LITTER BOX WHEN IT'S YOUR TURN.
20. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
NOT SCOOPING THE FUCKING LITTER BOX WHEN IT'S YOUR TURN.
21. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE U.S.?
At least once a year, with my next excursion planned for June 26.
22. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Boys with paperbacks in their back pockets. Also, hockey players apparently.
23. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
My mother would like me to do something about my giant schnoz, while I would like to do something about my giant forehead. Is there a surgery for that? Or do I need to get hair plugs or something?
24. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
Heather Anne expertly picked it out.
25. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
No, but I don't think my boyfriend would be very happy with me if I did.
26. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
I'm a pretty fair cook.
27. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
Unless Heather Anne shares her moonshine, suicide is the only option.
28. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
OH HELL NO.
29. WHERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Two people, in fact.
30. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
Probably at the end of Kazuo Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go, which Goodreads tells me I finished on August 22, 2008.
31. ANY BAD HABITS?
I'm really, really, REALLY bad with the returning emails and phone calls thing.
32. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
My boyfriend tells me I don't like other girls, so maybe if there were two of me we'd cancel each other out. Or maybe my boyfriend doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about and I'd be my own BFF forever and ever and ever.
33. DO YOU KNOW ANYONE FAMOUS?
I used to interview rock bands. I know a lot of famous people.
34. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Yes. Ugly people need not apply to be my friend. Unless you have a lot of money or a jet pack or something.
35. HOW DO YOU RELEASE YOUR ANGER?
With violence.
36. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
I wouldn't be a very good lawyer if I did. And I've won three medals at lawyering, so there you go.
Gosh, there are so many. Any day I get to see The National (like this Monday!). Halloween. Any day in London. The 4th of July. Whenever I'm in Harvey Cedar's Clam Bar. Triple Crown race day. New Year's Eve. The Tulane Alumni Association annual crawfish boil (next weekend!). Super Bowl Sunday.
39. FAVORITE EXPRESSION?
"That's not torpedo three! That's not torpedo three at all!"
I don't count my scars. I don't really count anything having to do with my body, so I'm bad at watching my moles, too. Makes my mom crazy.
2. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
A certain boy. I mention him later. You'll know who I mean.
3. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
About 5:15 pm PST. I used to feel it was really important to celebrate at that second (I made my family light me a birthday cupcake, even), but now I spread my birthday out across four to seven days, and I like that even better.
4. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
I had about a billion stuffed animals before I even started collecting Beanie Babies. And boy did I ever collect those Beanie Babies.
5. THE BEST TV SHOW EVER CREATED:
Friends.
6. THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO?
Me: I really want to see this sad cancer movie. Cate: Like on Friday? Me: Just in general. Whenever it comes out.
Me: I'm breaking out really badly. Cate: Lovelorn. (See below.)
Me: Blair Waldorf is talking about Anne Boleyn. Cate: At first, that sentence doesn't seem like it's in English. Me: Serena's boobs are going to get me. I'm scared.
7. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Yup.
8. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
The same person has made me cry like the last twelve billion times I've cried. I'm predictable.
9. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
Zilch. (I had four. But when I was 18 the doctor removed them. That's why I have no wisdom now, see?)
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
Not a thing.
11. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Oh, I'm impartial in this category. Hot comes in all colors.
12. WOULD YOU RATHER BE SMART OR FUNNY?
Um, you have to be funny to be smart.
13. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Considering the entire crew of baristas at my local Starbucks knows my name and my three typical drink orders, I couldn't really get away with saying energy drink. Plus also, I can't remember if I ever even had an energy drink. When I was a freshmen in college I harbored an addiction to Mountain Dew Code Red, but that's just regular soda, right? Do they still make that? Mmmmmm.
14. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwich from Trader Joe's. They were out when I went by earlier.
15. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
Probably one of my coworkers. I'm a little too honest in the work place.
16. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
Oui oui.
17. DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE?
What's going to happen now is a short montage of the guy I like. I didn't know him when we last wrote about crushes, so I feel entitled to gush now.
That is Zachary Levi. He plays Chuck, the other half to Heather! Anne!'s Agent Sarah Walker on Chuck. I am going to marry him. He is smart. He is funny. He is my soul mate.
18. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
Nope. I am boundary girl. Stay back, heart breaker.
19. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
Know their quirks and love their quirks.
20. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
Stupid people, women haters, and the term "married life."
1. Charming boys, 2. Starbucks coffee, 3. animals, 4. barbeque chicken sandwiches, 5. wine, and 6. people who can write well.
23. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Here's the thing. My eyelids are more like eye cliffs protruding over the top of my eyes. Actually, they hang more. It's very gravity-driven. It's kind of a mystery what's in there. I'm okay with them now, but I have a feeling that after another 20 years on this here planet, they might not be so socially acceptable. I wouldn't be opposed to a little lid restoration down the road.
24. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
It's a thing.
25. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
No, but I am too scared.
I take that back.
I'll ask you out. Unless I'm in love with you. Then I'll sit quietly in terror.
26. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
Being awesome.
27. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
Maybe get a new hobby? I don't know. I don't spend time thinking of solutions to impossible problems.
28. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
Either none or a billion. I go back and forth.
29. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No. However, I was almost named Pheribee Savage Schilling after an ancestor. For reals, you guys.
30. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
I can tell you what: I certainly did NOT cry for the Grey's finale like the rest of you cry babies.
31. ANY BAD HABITS?
I bite my nails, I forget to listen, I don't give you the benefit of the doubt.
32. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
This is a weird question. What kind of another person would I be? That is what actually matters on account of right now there are a few people I'm friends with and lots of people I'm not.
33. DO YOU KNOW ANYONE FAMOUS?
My BFF was a child star.
34. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Yes, because you should always try your best.
35. HOW DO YOU RELEASE YOUR ANGER?
I yell near people, but not usually at them. I form lists of arguments. You know, arguments why I'm right. The lists are kind of scary.
36. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
Not anymore.
37. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG:
Every time I think, even for a second, that a song is thought provoking, I remember a song I thought was thought provoking a year ago which makes me feel totally lame and immature because how could I even have invented a thought about such a dumb song?
1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? I was holding these hedge clippers, and my sister was holding a pair too. I was like, "Race you into the woods! First person to cut down a sapling and get back to the house is -- oh, crap! Go get mom! And a towel! Two towels!"
2. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
Also, I would like to write an appropriate final season of The L Word and have it filmed and then let Abigail pick the music and then I'd like to watch it and reset my imagination. I would also like to go back in time and do that with Lois and Clark. And I'd like to be able to write like Haven Kimmel.
3. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? 7:00(ish) a.m.
4. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? I got a Roller Racer from Santa when I was eight. It lasted until my college boyfriend wrecked it sophomore year. Jackhole.
5. THE BEST TV SHOW EVER CREATED: The Golden Girls
6. THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO?
Amy: I would have to be an idiot not to go to space. Me: What? Amy: I mean, I'm afraid of heights and burning up in the stratosphere, but I'm going to work through that so if anyone ever offers me a ride to space, I'll be ready.
7. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK? Depends on what I was watching/reading before the lights went out.
8. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY? My mom.
9. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? Two, but not for long.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME? I like the smell of Gain laundry detergent and Bounce fabric softener.
11. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? I like brown hair and brown eyes on both sexes.
12. WOULD YOU RATHER BE SMART OR FUNNY? Funny.
13. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS? Neither. Coffee smells awesome but tastes like dirt. And last time I used an energy drink to stay up past my bedtime, Dumbledore died. So.
14. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I don't care as long as Kat! cooks it.
15. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD? I made Scout mad today because I left her at home when we took Margaret hiking. She can't deal with anything longer than three miles. Seriously, she just stops and has to be carried out of the trail. And it's not like they make beagle-shaped backpacks.
16. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE? Yes. I am fluent in movie/teevee quotes. (Like Jennie! and Abigail!)
17. DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE? Like them? Or like them, like them?
18. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? If history is any indication: absolutely, I would.
19. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU? Books. But some people don't get it. Like, if you give someone a book that's part of your soul and then they're like, "Oh, thank you!" then you know that person is awesome. But if you give someone a book from your soul and they scoff at you, then you know not to give them any more parts of yourself until they're done reading the books you already gave.
Also, hugs are nice.
20. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST? People who don't follow the spoiler rules for TV/books/movies. I mean, seriously, you have no idea the lengths Abigail! and I went to to keep from getting spoiled for the last Harry Potter book.
21. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE U.S.? Yep.
22. YOUR WEAKNESSES? You mean if you were going to fight me? Firstly, come at me from my left. I am nearly blind in my left eye so I have about zero peripheral vision from that side. And then take out my knees. Shouldn't be hard. I have the knees of an eighty-year-old.
23. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE? Nah.
24. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY? Same reason I do pretty much everything: Kat! told me to.
25. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? What? No. I'm great at asking people out, and also great at first dates. After that? I suck.
26. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST? I'm about a 90% free throw shooter.
27. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL? Oh, I know how to make moonshine. I don't live in Appalachia for nothing.
28. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? Just the one nephew is all.
29. WHERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I was named after the most popular name in 1978.
30. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Mother's Day
31. ANY BAD HABITS? Yes. I am the worst phone call-returner ever.
32. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I would try, but I would not be successful.
33. DO YOU KNOW ANYONE FAMOUS? Kinda.
34. DO LOOKS MATTER? Yes. For example, could you say "no" to this face?
35. HOW DO YOU RELEASE YOUR ANGER? Uh, I bitch about it. Is there another way to release anger?
36. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? Yes, I am the most gullible person you will ever meet.
37. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG: Instead of answering this question I am going to tell you something, and that something is this: Saturday when Amy and I were cleaning house she started whistling this song, and I was like, "Hang on, is that..." but before I could guess she started singing the lyrics, and you guys, it was THE LIZZY McGUIRE MOVIE SOUNDTRACK.
38. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? I like my sister's birthday.
39. FAVORITE EXPRESSION? As of this weekend, it's "What the Vulcan?!"
How much money would you want to go back to high school? So far, the running price is 20 million, which isn't bad. Or is there no sum of money that could convince you to go back?
Please to be letting us know your answer. Also! If you have any old high school poetry or journal entries, PLEASE share them. I won't give you any money, but I'll give you a hug or a high five or something.
If I were to have to go back to high school, I'd OF COURSE have several demands. I'd go back for little to no money, but I want to keep all the knowledge ("knowledge") I've gained since I last roamed the sacred halls of Kettering Fairmont and actually? While we're at it, I don't want to go back to MY high school. I want to go to a better high school, a shinier high school, a more magical high school.
That's right, I want to go to Hogwarts. I mean, aside from the occasional Death Eater invasion, who WOULDN'T want to go to Hogwarts? Hello! Everything is MAGIC, from the food to the staircases to the FLYING EFFING BROOMSTICKS.
I would even go back for free, if it meant I could make out with Oliver Wood (heh, WOOD, also sorry, Joe) and learn how to FLY AN EFFING BROOMSTICK. Hell, I would PAY to go there. Only, you know, I wouldn't pay a lot but only because I don't have any money. HOWEVER, if I could convince Abigail to give me some of the 20 mil she got for going back to high school, I'd totally pay a lot. What can I say? I'm a giver.
Honestly, I would only go back to high school if it was fictional. My high school experience wasn't a bad one, but I had so much more fun once I left high school that I can't imagine going back. So fictional is the way to go. This seems to be a running theme.
Other fictional high schools I would go to:
The high school in the tiny town from Footloose, so I could learn to dance.
The high school from Heathers, provided I wasn't one of the victims, so I could give Martha Dumptruck a hug.
Sky High (shut UP, it's a cute movie and OMG IT'S A SUPERHERO HIGH SCHOOL), UM so I could be a superhero.
Whatever high school Ferris Bueller went to because DUH I want to hang out with that guy.
Bayside High School, so I could kick Screech in the nards and give AC Slater a haircut (and convince Kelly not to break up with Zach for Jeff the Flaming Turd).
Sunnydale High, as long as I didn't get eaten by a vampire or sucked into the Hellmouth.
Back to the Future High School (whatever), but the future version, so I can steal a hoverboard for Heather! Anne!
Wayside School because, while not a high school, I've decided it counts. Mostly I decided that because I love those books and if that's not a good enough reason, I don't know what is.
And now, crappy poetry from my high school notebook:
Heinz. Hunts. That real English tea with milk and lots of sugar. Four channels and nothing on. The BBC blasting in my head. Take me to your Tower Hill and walk me around your Tower of London. Let me play on the pedestal of Nelson's Column and slide off the lions of Trafalgar Square. Meet me at the corner of UConn and Abbey Road.
I gazed across the floor. The aura of erudition with short blond hair and wire-rimmed specs. The heart of divinity drawing me near. Drank my drink. Relief in disbelief. Stole my soul. Locked it up across the Atlantic. No ulterior motives.
Sedatives. Laxatives. Bad ravioli and smuggled English tea. Kill for some music, some lights, Vodka on the rocks, [ed.: some things never change.] Evian, A chain smoker and a history buff. Boxy black cabs and chaotic coat checks haunt me. Illuminate me like a Rembrandt Because I feel like a Bosch.
Lovely accents. A pair of pairs roaming the deserted streets. A city that never sleeps has an early bed time. Bar time. Belushi's time. Sing "Sweet Home, Chicago." Get the bartender to fly back to the states And make Long Island iced teas. What blasphemy. Like ice cubes melting in the sun.
Passports. Daffodils. Leaving the scene with no send off. Can't find a tube, call a cab. Eleven pounds thirty. Keep the change. Change is good-- But not now. Soulmates slip away. Your accent really is lovely, though. Right on.
And be able to write so unselfconsciously again, and think I'm such hot shit? HELLS YEAH, I'm going back to high school!
If I were back in high school and had arrived their via time travel from this current point in my life, I'd be pretty pissed. In fact, if a fairy godmother (or genie) came up to me and tried to give that to me as a gift I'd worry that the fairy godmother (or the genie) was actually a baddie in disguise. Because going back isn't something I would ever, ever choose.
You could pay me though.
See, when I was in high school I loved, loved, loved my life. There were a bazillion things wrong with it, of course, and a bazillion wrong things that made me messed up today, but at the time I didn't know. I was naive in all the ways possible. I was late night phone chats with best friends, I was crushes on boys that didn't end in heartbreak, I was barefoot summers full of evenings at the park, I was plaid uniform skirt and white turtleneck, I was happy.
Back when we were in Chicago, Heather asked us if we would go back. Mostly because she literally CANNOT BELIEVE going back would ever be a preference. I had several questions:
1) How long would we have to go back for?
All four years of high school.
2) Will the years play out in real time?
Yes.
3) When I return to present day will I have missed four years of my life?
No. It will be like Narnia.
4) Will I be aware that I am me now, but there then?
Yes.
5) Can I change anything about how it was?
No, cause of obvious rules regarding time travel.
I would do it for $20 mil, hands down. Maybe less. It would be really painful to sit through four extra years of life, especially considering the crippling naivety, but right now I'm trying to be rich and this appears to be a pretty consequence-free way of getting there. It'd be hard not to change things: the biggest of those being my general high school sentiment that life could not get any better and knowing that it was about to become exponentially better in ways beyond what I could even imagine. I think it'd be pretty hard not to hate every moment I used to love in retrospect. But the things I could do with that money, would make it totally worth it.
This week's Collective topic -- If I were back in high school -- is tricky business for me, because as I have mentioned before, there is not enough treasure in the world to entice me to return to my teenage years. I was a miserable high schooler. (That's probably the reason I love my birthday so much: I keep getting farther and farther away from the doom of being a teenager.)
The only thing I had going for me in middle school/high school/first few years of college is that I was a pretty decent athlete. My entire world was built on that foundation. I've opened up my high school journal to you before, and I'm going to do it again.
October 20, 1995
Here's what I don't get... why do people who don't give a fuck about winning even come out for the team? Today we conditioned and nearly everyone was bitching about how hot it was and how many sprints we had to do and just what the fuck ever. They got tired so they walked during our 3 mile run. If you can't run 3 miles, join the cross country team and train. God there's no excuse. They couldn't finish the sprints so they cheated and didn't touch the lines. I know they weren't touching them because no one can beat me at sprints and if someone does beat me it's because they are cheating. Coach can't be in the gym yet so our manager was timing the sprints and everyone was saying "wah wah wah we need to stop. Don't make us run anymore." I said bullshit run it again. And run it again. Maybe they don't remember losing in the second round of sub-region last year. Oh right because they were too busy worrying about what their boyfriends were doing in the stands with whatever girl. I'm like pay attention to the damn game. If you can't do that and if you can't suck it up and condition just why even bother coming out for the team. They would know I was right if I said that but they wouldn't admit it. They would be mad. But right now I'm mad.
See? I sucked in high school. I would never, ever, ever go back.
Many, many months ago, Abigail asked: Do you love Scott? And we all answered "YES!" So we banded together to help him defeat his computer virus blues by participating in the Caveat Cookie Challenge. We sent dozens and dozens of homemade cookies to Scott because, like Abigail said, Cookies > Virus.
As you know by now, Scott's precious wife Susan was diagnosed with cancer this week, and while she's in the process of kicking cancer's ass, we want to send them some love. And by love, of course, I mean cookies. Starting today is Caveat Cookie Challenge II.
If you want to participate, email us (canardcollective@gmail.com). We'll get Scott's information to you, and you can get some cookies to him. If you need a recipe, mention it in your email. Maybe you haven't heard, but Kat the best chef in the world.
All Friday good thoughts and healing energy is for Scott.
I no longer have an arch-nemesis. I used to, though. Her name was Rush Limbaugh Girl. RLG, for short. She's one of my former co-workers. On my first day at my old job, I was in RLG's office because she was in charge of training me. She had her radio on and I was all, "omg wtf?" because you know what she was listening to? Rush Limbaugh. Rush Fucking Limbaugh.
RLG: Can you concentrate with the radio on? Me: ...um. RLG: I can turn it down. Me: How about off? RLG: Haha, I just think Rush Limbaugh is so funny.
And then my head exploded. In fact, my head exploded nearly every day because EVERY AFTERNOON, I'd hear his blustery, stupid voice because EVERY AFTERNOON she'd turn her radio up louder and louder and so EVERY AFTERNOON, I had no choice but to wait and sneak into her office and turn down the radio. I had to be careful, though. I had to turn it down enough so I couldn't hear it, but not enough that she'd notice and turn it back up again.
The REASON she had to turn the radio up so loud was because she'd run her space heater constantly. Which is fine, sometimes it got really cold in there. But then, one day, I went over to ask her a question and she had her fan on, too.
Me: Do you have your fan and your heater on? RLG: Yeah, it's really clammy in here. Me: ...
I think she was OK with running the fan and the heater at the same time because she didn't believe in global warming. Just didn't believe in it.
Toward the end, she began an obsession with Twilight. And would talk about it a lot, so when I wasn't listening to Rush Limbaugh call liberals "pinko commie baby killers," I was listening to her wax poetic about how hot Edward Whatsisface was in the movie. But, you know, then she got fired and I quit so who says there are no happy endings?
When I was wee I fought battle with The Cancer, and though I won the battle the war, as I am reminded with every nosebleed and bruise, is far from over. Unless I get hit by a bus on my way home, of course, because then it's pretty much a draw.
This subject is surprisingly well tread here at Collective HQ, from Abigail's missive yesterday to Network Geek's still-awesome guest post. There are also, incidentally, quite a few songs on the matter shuffling around my iPod, from The Verve's "The Drugs Don't Work" to Bloc Party's "Biko," which is pretty strange if you think about it, because I've spent the vast majority of my life trying NOT to think about it.
I guess you could say I'm like the mysteriously disappearing Superman from the horrendous movie Superman Returns (without the gay face, that is), in that I'm not real thrilled with my lot in life, and believe you me if I could fly off into outer space somewhere to avoid my problems you betcha I would. But sadly I can't, and while my Ford Anglia's in the shop I find myself temporarily grounded. So while I'm here, I'll continue fighting The Cancer and making a donation to the American Cancer Society, and I really hope you'll consider doing the same. At the very least, send all the good vibes you can to Susan and Scott and their three gorgeous (and awesomely named, btw) kids.
There was a lot of procrastinating happening, per the usual, when I went about writing this post. For one, the funny story I want to tell I can't because the internet has ears everywhere, so sadly you won't get to hear the tale of a person who once sent me an email calling me a bossy bitch. For two, I am a bit boring when it comes to nemesises (nemesi?) and tend to vehemently dislike the universe at large rather than pinpoint particular idiotic people. Unless you're sending me immature, caustic, name-calling emails (and regularly trying to trick my friends into kissing you) (really, I shouldn't be talking about this), I'm going to ignore you and pretend you don't exist. After all the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy.
But I'm an angry person, and the injustices of this world regularly rile me up. When rational argument does nothing and I sit there in despair, tears streaming down my face. I'm a fixer. I want to fix the situation. Now. Quickly. As though it never even happened.
But I'm not a doctor, I'm not a scientist, I'm not God. There is nothing I can do to take away this pain.
And there it is, my nemesis. My inability to help you, to change you, to change these circumstances.
My inability to make the cancer go away.
Fucking bullshit cancer.
Scott's wife, Susan, has cancer and I am so, so angry. It's not fair. I can't help them. And to imagine the fear, the suffocating fear they must be strapped with... the world is simply not enough.
All I can do is wait. Wait with them. And I can talk about it, impossibly willing my words to mean something. And I can pray because I'm into that.
And that's it. I'm out. (And I'm still angry.)
So, please, wonderful readers, do whatever it is that you do to help, to change, to wait, to pray.
The distinction between hero and superhero lies not in courage or costume, but in a simple question: Do you have an archnemesis? Not a regular ol' enemy; we all have regular ol ' enemies. I'm talking about a person (or creature) who reappears in your life over and over and over with a the single goal of destroying you.
[A philosophical discussion of heroism lies outside the scope of this blog post, but please note that having an archnemesis doesn't necessarily make you a superhero. It might make you a supervillain.]
I understood early in life that I was a hero, but it wasn't until my teenage years that I began to realize that I was a superhero. The best way to explain it is for me to list my enemies by year. I believe you'll begin to see a pattern.
1987, age 9
Casey Johnson's dad — Chooses daughter over me to play shortstop, even though she doesn't have the arm/fielding skill. Blocks vote for me to be on league all-star team. Makes me sit on bench for all basketball season.
Boys — Suddenly less interested in playing kickball, more interested in snapping other girls' bra straps.
Bowser — Super Mario Brothers: Moves princess from castle to castle, throws hammers/blows fire at my head.
1990, age 12
Ms. Duck &mdash Makes me stand at board looking like idiot while she teaches class. Says I'll stay there until I remember how to do algebra problem from day before. Will never remember because was drawing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles day before.
Rulers of the darkness of this world, spiritual wickedness in high places &mdash Transition from children's church to youth group yields new information on Satan and his plans to destroy my life by making me engage in intercourse, alcoholism, swearing.
Bowser — Super Mario Brothers 3 Entire kingdom behind me now, giving me gifts along my journey. Bowser still intent on crushing/drowning/lighting me on fire.
1994, age 14
Everyone who doesn't understand me! &mdash i.e. everyone! Only one who understands possibly Fiona Apple or Jewel.
Casey Johnson &mdash Ha! Not really. Sits on bench at her high school, dad in stands, while I score 24 points against her team.
Bowser &mdash Super Mario World Have to chase him to Dinosaur Land, where he is wreaking more havoc than ever. Aided by Yoshi this time, which makes journey more enjoyable.
1999, age 21
FICA &mdash surviving in Real World much harder than previously expected as FICA, etc. take money will-nilly from weekly paycheck.
Bowser &mdash Super Mario 64 Creepier than ever in 3D, plus harder to battle as N64 controller sucks donkey balls.
2004, age 26
Jerry Falwell &mdash Distorter of truth, spreader or ignorance, hate, lies.
Voldemort &mdash Self-explanatory.
Bowser &mdash Super Mario 64 DS Still same asshole from 64, but smaller and easier to handle with DS keyboard.
2009, age 30
Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh &mdash See: Falwell.
Warner Brothers &mdash Keep dicking around with Half-Blood Prince release date.
Bowser &mdash Mario Kart Wii Impossible to share tunnel/track/desert with. Perscribes to theory of: do not need road manners if ten ton truck. Growls and shoves me into abyss every. single. time. on Wario's Gold Mine. Bastard.
Do you see what I mean? That's how I know I'm a superhero. Also, the cape. (I lied about the costume not mattering.)
Two months ago, I transferred to a different company within my company (...yeah) and started a new job. Getting a new job meant that, in addition to no longer wanting to stab myself in the eye daily, I have more money to pay bills and buy important things like food, water, and shiny new digital cameras. Unfortunately, switching jobs ALSO meant I don't have enough vacation built up to take off a week for a fabulous Mexican getaway with Heidi and Tamara. Le sigh. 
Posts
